After recently becoming single, I (like an idiot) decided that I would give my shot at the so called ‘Dating Scene.’ Dear God, I should have stayed home. When you live in a city like NY where you have a million options, sometimes the best option is just to say NO to all your options.
I wouldn’t be so compelled to contribute to “the Guide” but after waking up in the middle of the night to discover some Random I met this past weekend had left me a voicemail after I had already ignored a text message that was my final straw…
MEN LISTEN UP: You want to go out with a nice and interesting girl, right? You think there’s a possibility that love is out there for you? Well if you don’t want to be labeled as the ‘ultimate creepster’ or a ‘total loser,’ just sit back and soak up my wisdom.
The three most important times in the beginning of a relationship are: First Contact after Meeting, the First Date, and Contact After the First Date. I will dissect each of these precious moments and tell you exactly what to do and more importantly WHEN TO STOP DOING. So let’s begin:
Lesson One: First Contact after Meeting:
So you’ve just met a cool girl. Yes, you were both slightly intoxicated at the time but she seemed normal (well, she was breathing) and you get her number.
[Side note: GUYS, IF SHE GIVES YOU HER EMAIL, SHE’S NOT INTERESTED. IF SHE GIVES YOU HER BUSINESS CARD, SHE’S REALLY, REALLY NOT INTERESTED. A phone number is the only way you have any chance of speaking to this person again. (And even if you get it, don’t count that that’s the Golden Ticket.)]
So you got the number. The next day you want to catch up with this special lady. What do you do next?
Now back in the day you would have called. You didn’t really have any other options. It would have been awkward. You would have said something like “OMG I’m sooo hungover.” She would have said “Omg me too!” then there would a long silence after one of you fake laughed too hard.
Okay. I’m getting uncomfortable just thinking about phone calls.
Guys, don’t call! Save the awkward conversation for the first date (if you get one).
Send a text message.
Some of the greatest relationships have begun (and ended) with a text message.
In your text message do this: refresh the girl of your name (because she probably met like a 100 guys that night if she’s super good looking), say where you met (because she was probably bar hopping from 10-4), and ask her if she wants to get together sometime. Let me explain this a little clearer so there are no questions:
Here’s a fun game I like to call, “Which text is the most promising?”
A: “Hey! It’s David from Greenhouse! I was just hanging out in my Soho loft when I thought that we should do Bagatelle sometime!”
B: “hi beautiful, it’s rico from kiss and fly my boys are getting a bottle tonight you should come and bring your girlfriends.”
C: “hey it’s matt! I told you, you were smoking hot at that bar with all of the weird lamps. I’m pretty busy this week but we should get together soon!”
D: “It’s Paul from Alice’s rooftop party. I can’t stop thinking about you. Call me, I need to talk”
So we have David the asshole whose friends are probably all married but he hasn’t tied the knot yet because he’s too busy hanging out with Soho whores. I might respond since I haven’t brunched at Bagatelle yet, but I wouldn’t call him back after the first date and I don’t think he would either when he realized I am not some idiot Soho groupie.
Rico is most likely a closeted gay with one of his ‘boys’. I may stop by Kiss and Fly for a little pre-game action, but after one cranberry vodka I’m out. He would probably send me texts each day for the next 2 weeks about meeting again at the club. I would ignore these attempts.
Paul. Oh Paul. He’s either a total psycho, a total romantic (i.e. total psycho) or a total player. Please just hope you never run into this person again and please pray to God that in your drunken haze you didn’t tell him where you lived.
Matt is the winner because a) he doesn’t drop stupid club names b) he’s busy and therefore not desperate and c) he states the obvious: that you are ridiculously good looking. He’s the perfect blend of asshole and nice guy. There’s a certain mystery with him which was what was missing from David, Rico, and Paul (all of whom I superbly summed up with just a few insights.)
Now guys if you come up with a good text you may actually hear from this girl again!!! If you do hear back, congrats! There’s a 99.9% chance it won’t work out in the long run, but you are getting somewhere, right?!
If you don’t hear back soon after pressing ‘Send’ then your head might start to create some scenarios. “Oh I think she said she had brunch with her parents. She must be too busy to respond, but I’m sure I’ll hear from her in next couple of days. If not, I’ll just call her later this week.”
NO, STOP RIGHT THERE.
Here are some important things to know about women:
WOMEN ARE ALWAYS BY THEIR PHONES AND ARE ALWAYS READY TO INTERRUPT ANYTHING ‘IMPORTANT’ FOR A GUY SHE’S INTERESTED IN. THERE’S NO REASON A NICE GIRL THAT YOU WOULD WANT TO DATE WOULD TAKE MORE THAN 2 HOURS TO RESPOND TO YOUR TEXT. If she does respond after 2 hours, she’s either a game player (aka was at her boyfriends when she got the text) or she thinks you are a loser but she’s sort of a loser too so maybe she’ll meet you for a drink (aka not worth your time).
Therefore, if you do not hear from the girl within 2 hours of sending your text, MOVE ON! DO NOT CALL AND LEAVE VOICEMAILS AT 11PM ON A WEEKNIGHT. DAMNIT! THERE ARE SO MANY WOMEN ON THIS STUPID ISLAND (MANY MORE HOT GIRLS THAN HOT GUYS TOO BTW). DON’T WASTE ALLYOUR TIME ONE SOMEONE WHO’S CLEARLY NOT INTERESTED!
I hope you will deeply consider what I have said…in the next segment I will cover…
THE FIRST (AND MOST LIKELY LAST) DATE
- The BFF
wow, you two are an invicible dating analysis team! Sports networks should pick you up. Scary, how much communication happens between the lines,like animals, almost nonverbal....oh wait, dating is mating, and mating is animal instincts, but without the drinks:)
ReplyDeleteTell your BFF good post.
ReplyDeleteI've been reasoning with a friend who hasn't been getting lucky lately
but not getting through to him.
Sent this along.