"Long Distance is the Wrong Distance. That's a Deal Breaker."

I will be honest, for the most part, I think that long-distance relationships are crap.

My biggest issue with the arrangement is that you waste so much effort wishing for time to speed up so you can only spend, typically, an all-too-brief weekend together. The emotional attachment to the future, which causes resentment of the present, has just never seemed appealing.

Another concern is that you date someone long-distance with the dream of eventually being together. But what happens if when the opportunity arises, realization sets in that maybe the two of you just aren’t compatible anymore? That just seems like the ultimate let down, not to mention a giant time waster, a personal pet peeve.

Anyway, this anti-long-distance belief has affected most of my decisions when it comes to potential long-distance scenarios.

But now it has come to my attention that the men in New York are undatable. Or at least all the ones who I would normally go after. I'm not in the mood to deal with Peter Pans with commitment issues, players playing the game, or tiny Guatamalan window washers who drunkenly tell you that you're a beautiful flower.

So now I'm wondering, can I outsource my dating needs? Somewhere where the labor is cheap and the men are attentive? Just someone to text me sweet and/or funny things would be nice.