Every Girl Every Needs to CTFO (Chill The F Out)

Every girl ever is having a great summer. For starters, the sun is shining (as opposed to last year's monsoon season). The calendar is full of awesomeness (including Atlantic City for the Fourth). And the level of male attention is solid with room for growth. (Except in areas such as organized crime and creepos on the street. Those markets are saturated.)

Every girl ever has survived the Dating Recession and is enjoying her momentary bubble of success. (Too bad the Dow doesn't follow the same trends.)

Unfortunately, despite the exterior of awesomeness, every girl ever knows that she is a hop, skip, and a jump away from her own self-inflicted downfall.

How is this possible, you may wonder? Every girl ever has it all. She's cool. She's breezy. She's building an All-Star roster of datable talent.

It's because every girl ever can be her own enemy. It's almost like she has her own little Goldman Sachs inside of her, hedging its bets and rooting for her to fail. "Yes, follow your CGS tendencies and definitely text him back even though he hasn't responded in four days. And, while you're at it, please buy some toxic assets. Great doing business with you."

And do you know why every girl ever follows this horrible advice? Every girl ever wants a man. And she's banking that this one will be The One.

In addition to being concerned with When it will happen, every girl ever is also obsessed with Who it will be.

This infatuation causes every girl ever to vet each potential candidate against the same general standard Future Husband Criteria, which includes but is not limited to:

• Where is he from?
• Where did he go to college?
• What does he do?
• Where does he live? Does he have roommates?
• How will my first name sound with his last name?
• How would our monogram look?
• How adorable would our children be?
• Any additional awesome, super brag-worthy credentials.

You're right, every girl ever is a total nut job. Keep in mind this isn't just a list to use for the guys every girl ever is actually dating. Nope, even Random Guy Who I Met at Bar XYZ on Some Night gets put into the system. (If you're a guy, you should totally be creeped out, but every girl ever figured you should know.)

Every girl ever likes plans. She likes goals. She likes taglines. "So and So from Noteworthy College lives alone in an amazing apartment on Way Better Than Most People Street and has a job Doing Successful Things. Our children would look like baby Polo models."

Duh, based on that, you are totes getting married! Congratulations!

This conclusion is slightly exaggerated due to another secret every girl ever feels compelled to share. Every girl ever has a hidden habit of perusing wedding blogs. You know, for the articles. Pretty much on par with the shadiness of the FTC guys who looked at porn instead of busting Bernie Madoff. We all have our downfalls. We are not proud.

Unfortunately, for some weird reason, it has come to every girl ever's attention that apparently not every guy ever wants to add her initial to his monogram.

"Why the F not?" Every girl ever is a catch.

Yes, in a perfect world, every girl ever would find her Prince Charming and that would be that. But that's not how it works. Every girl ever continues to find the mirage of Prince Charming, the hologram version that disappears after a few sightings. The one that crashes the market and causes catastrophic damage. Damn him.

Every girl every must be diligent, not get discouraged, and - above all - not let CGS get the better of her.

If he isn't dying for you to be a part of his perfect pedigree future, then that's his own problem.

Every girl ever can't let it get her down. It is summer after all.