Celebrating the Fourth of July Like Real Americans

In order to be as patriotic as possible while celebrating our freedom this Fourth, five Texas girls headed to the most American place on the Eastern Seaboad:

Atlantic City.

You're right, that does sound like a recipe for disaster. Luckily we kept it in check (for the most part). Here's what I learned:

• If you want to feel good about yourself, go to AC. IAAB, but we were surrounded by nothing but obese people. Oh, regular America, it felt good to be back.
• I love the slots. That jingling noise they make is music to my ears. And oh the themes. Lobster Mania! Lone Wolf! How can you choose just one?! Much like wanting the story of how you met your future husband to be awesome, you want the story about what slot machine made you rich to be too. "I made my fortune off a Russian Princess." Next time.
• Getting kicked out of a VIP section of da club is totally worth it if it means the diminutively-statured (not quite legal midget) creepo stops trying to make out with your neck. And stops calling you a red head. Bitch, my hair is brown.
• I am old! The BFF and I both have dancing injuries. Apparently when you're approaching the quarter century mark (August!) and breakin' it down in 4" stilettos, you turn into a cripple the next day. My sweet dance skillz are a gift, though, and since I'm a giver, I wouldn't want to rob the world of that. Can't stop, won't stop.
• If you flirt with the waiter, you can get a boat of cocktail sauce. Wooo.
• Speaking of wooo, AC totally brings out the Woo Girl in me (How I Met Your Mother reference). Not a shocker. Here's proof thanks to The BFF's new iPhone video cam. Spoiler Alert: Long Islands and patriotism make an awesome, not awkward combination.
• Perez Hilton was not as friendly and/or awesome as College Rachel would have hoped. Like learning Santa Claus isn't real or something. Oh well, at least we got something to draw on.

Happy birthday, America. Thanks for the memories, AC.