True Life: I Dated an Idiot on True Life

[Ed. note: Yesterday my friend Lauren sent out one of the funniest/most random emails ever about how she was watching MTV's True Life: I Relocated For Love and the guy on the show not only turned out to be a huge dbag, but a dbag she had gone out with (and if you do the math, they had their date while he was semi-dating the girl who eventually relocated for him)! Too good not to share. Thanks, Lauren. P dot S: Coincidentally, Lauren (who wrote about her boyfriend in the Match.Mom Success Story) will also be relocating for love. Good thing he's genuinely not a tool! Mazel tov!]

Last March I met a guy named Jay who asked me out for a drink. We went, and he was nice enough. I didn’t really think he was my type, but I was painfully single so I was willing to give him another chance. I could look past the freakishly large nose, cargo pants, and the fact that he lived with his parents.

He was an amateur/professional golfer on a tournament tour, was previously on a reality golf show on the Golf Channel, and was close personal friends with my all time favorite musician (who I hope to have play at my wedding reception). So he had his selling points.

We went on a second date about a week later after exchanging a lot of texts, phone calls, etc.. On the second date, it becomes painfully clear that this guy is just not that cool. It was as if he was home-schooled or something: just not fun, not a lot of personality, not properly socialized, couldn’t really keep up with my humor, had no understanding for irony… At one point he told me this five minute story that had like no punch line whatsoever. It involved irrelevant name dropping and concluded with "And then I said..." He obviously thought it was funny (it was definitely not), so I told him, out loud, “You probably shouldn’t ever tell that story again. Seriously.” Anyway, I get through the second date, it’s clear I never want to see him again, he tries to kiss me goodnight, I dodge, and jump in my car.

Literally, less than 48 hours later he is in a relationship on facebook. At first I thought, “Oh shit! I hope he doesn’t think I'm his girlfriend!” No, no, no, my friends. His facebook updates, and he is in a relationship with this girl named Bailey. Not only are they dating, but like five photo albums of them together pop up, too. And it is clear from the pictures that they span over months of time. And to make things more annoying, within a day they had a website and a twitter name together.

I am thinking wtf!? I text-confronted him about it, just because, despite my lack of feelings for him, I didn’t like that some douchebag with a girlfriend asked me out twice and tried to kiss me. He gave me some predictable story about how he was dating this girl before, and they decided to get back together, blah blah blah… It’s always very annoying when someone you have decided you don’t like beats you to the opportunity for formal rejection, when you're plan was to be polite and let it slowly phase out. Oh well.

FAST FORWARD 1 YEAR

Last night, I am sitting on my couch, and I see a teaser for the night’s new episode of True Life: I’m Relocating for Love. SAME GUY. SAME EFFING GIRL. SAME FUGLY HOODED SWEATSHIRT. Thank god I didn’t delete him from my facebook, because I got to watch all the douchery unravel not only on television, but also on his wall. At first, when I looked at his facebook, he was “in a relationship” when it previously had said “in a relationship with Bailey”. Which led me to believe she ended the facebook relationship, and he hadn’t fixed his yet. 10 minutess later I check again, and he has no relationship status. So they broke up yesterday or very close by, I’m guessing. I can't imagine there was any secrecy clause put forth by MTV to keep the outcome of their relationship private until the show aired.

I watch the show. It starts with Bailey graduating from ASU, with a masters degree in journalism. People at her graduation are asking her what her plans are. She says that her boyfriend, Jay, wants her to move to Austin but she doesn’t really want to. She also mentions that they’ve been together for 15 months (we went out 12 months ago). Then, they’re in a restaurant while she is visiting Austin, and he says he doesn’t "want a once-a-month relationship,” and she gets emotional, and nothing is resolved. She badmouths Austin some, which I don’t appreciate, but in general, this girl seems out of his league, JUST LIKE ME.

So finally, after lots of whining and soul-searching, she does move into an apartment in Austin with him, and within the first day he reveals to her that he is in very severe credit card debt. As he is explaining it, he sounds like a total idiot (keep in mind he is like 27 and should understand how credit cards, debt, and not living with your parents is supposed to work). [In my version of a dumb guy voice] “Ummmm derrrrr I meannnn I dunnooooo???? I was making the minimum payments??? I guess I didn’t realize how severe it was???? Guhhhhh ummmmm yeahhhhhh….? And ps – we have to move in with my parents now.”

Bailey of course freaks out, said she didn’t move all the way to Texas to live in his parents’ house, how could he not have told her that before, etc.. She goes away on a weekend trip, and when she comes home, he has leased out their apartment without asking/telling her. She refuses to move to his parents’ house with him, and says she is going to go back home during this transition, and plans to continue to work on their relationship.

True Life displays an update that three months later, she broke up with Jay and is now working as a journalist in Arizona. Anyway, this guy comes across on the show as a huge loser, and kind of a prick. HA. I WIN.

Just a normal Monday night for me…