How to Know If You've Won

Let's be honest, breakups are a competition. Yes, your ex might gain the upper hand in a few rounds, but hopefully you're the one who comes out on top in the end. Whether it's due to your life success, your maintained stunning good looks or his future downgrade, just as long as you can simply say, "I won," whenever his name is mentioned, that's what matters. Not that you have to be super catty, but you're just content with how your life has turned out, and bonus points if it's better than his (especially if he deserves it).

You've won if:

• You dated a guy who broke your heart in the initial breakup (or two), but now he's the one reaching out to you on a semi-regular basis for no apparent reason. He might have been a CGS-enabler a few years ago, but his effort now doesn't so much as make you blink an eye. Especially when it is via incoherent Facebook wall posts. Bonus points: If he lives at home with his parents in a random, not-fun town and you live in New York with your awesome best friend.

• You dated a guy who wrote a song about you post-breakup, when you already had another serious boyfriend. Bonus points: If the lyrics include "I gave you my life, and you gave me a day. I said I love you, you said okay." [Ed. note: It's catchy, right? And we've since become friends again so I'm not the world's biggest bitch.]

• You dated a guy who is now currently dating a formerly fat girl (who also attended your high school) and now flaunts all she has to offer via scandalous FB photos not set to private. Talk about downgrading. Bonus points: If when he calls you to ask clueless questions about his upcoming trip to NYC with said formerly fat girlfriend, you answer, "Sorry I can't hear you very well, I'm at a magazine party." Because even if the party is full of bitchy gay men and heinous, over-priced clothes, you still sound 1000 x cooler than whatever he's up to.

So there you have it, it's not that hard to win. And when you do, it feels good. (And it's also not that hard to be petty. But when you think about it, petty is just like pretty just without the R, and really, what's better than being pretty? So I think it's okay to be petty as long as you're pretty. You're right, this logic is genius.)

Today is Thursday and IAAB.