Toastergate 2009

Toast is one of my fav things ever. That smell, that crunch - it's bliss. They just unpacked the toaster in my new office (the entire office just moved), and I can't wait to make use of it. The BFF and I don't have many appliances in our apartment because we have negative amounts of counter/storage space in the kitchen so I'm clearly more pumped than the average person about this discovery. Yes, it is in fact the little things in life that make you happy...

Anyway, my toaster excitement is even more built up after a certain run in with a certain Psychoface roommate a few months ago wherein I was forbidden from using the one that took up space on our counter.

The incident, which began with annoyance and ended with a too-early-on-a-hungover-Saturday morning screaming match showdown, was one of the final straws in my ability to be nice to Brandi.

It started with me and a package of English muffins, which are just soooo much better with a little crunch on 'em. I used the toaster a few times, thinking nothing of it.

Then one day I came home to find a handwritten note with "Brandi" scrawled on it taped to the appliance. Errr, excuse me, what? A) What the eff? Am I going to start labeling all my stuff? The sautee pan, the Brita?... B) The label didn't technically say "Do not use."

So I continued to use it, obv. I mean, c'mon.

Then, after she had figured out I was still using it, she upgraded her threat level and added a full-size notebook sheet (covering the slots, I might add) with the warning: "Brandi's, DO NOT USE!!!!"

(This note was not nearly as hilarious as the "Brandi's - FOR SPECIAL DIET - DO NOT USE!!!" label she adorned on her maple syrup jug...)

Anyway, later in the week I woke up on Saturday not feeling awesome and wanting some freakin' toast. Since clearly I am a child (a constant threat served up by Brandi when she wasn't berrating us about how "We're not her mother"..confusing, right?), I tried to start the broiler. The fun with using the broiler on our gas oven, though, was that it was very finicky and clicked about 1,000 times before it would light.

Well this heinous noise interrupted Princess Brandi's slumber wherein she stormed out of her room in a huff. Normally I'm not a confrontational person, but Brandi had the ability to make my blood boil.

"WHY can't I use the toaster?" I demanded.

"Because you got it dirty," she replied. I told her I was sorry if I got some crumbs in it, but that's sort of expected since it is a device that works exclusively with bread...

That wasn't her issue, she claimed. Allegedly I had gotten it super greasy. Err, what? You're an idoit.

"Well then you left it plugged in one time. Toasters are the number one cause of house fires."

False. While the number one reason might be due to kitchen fires, it's not blamed on the propensity of plugged-in toasters spontaneously catching on fire...

She finally realized she was wrong and agreed to let me use it.

The next time I wanted some toast, though, IT WAS NOWHERE TO BE FOUND.

The bitch hid it from me.

Ahhhhh, just another reminder about how beautiful life is now that I'm not forced to endure that pain...freedom.

Happy toasting everyone!