The Psycho Roommate Diet

So after my eating mea culpa last week, it's clear I have some real issues with food, but so do a lot of people I know. Whatever. Anyway, I alluded to the fact that I've gained some weight since I'm no longer living with the motivational inspiration of dos Psycho Roommates, and so I might as well share the story, if for nothing else than to make you feel better about your own life.

Without having to get into the lengthy, dramatic back story detailing out the roller coaster living situation that scarred The BFF and me for two years, here is a (sort of brief) synopsis to bring everyone up to speed:

The BFF and I found a sweet apartment after moving here two years ago, and then we found two randos from Craigslist to fill the other bedrooms. While there were a few other roommates transitioned in there for one reason or another, for the bulk of the first year we lived with Kris (named changed to a more hilariously feminine spelling), who was the most disgustingly filthy and lazy roommate ever. The other was Brandi, an "actress with a day job" who had just broken up with her live-in boyfriend of five years. I clearly remember The BFF wondering if she could potentially have some, err, issues. The BFF was right, to put it mildly.

Kris moved out a month before our lease was up, and the three of us decided we wanted to stay (or, more accurately, did not want to hassle with or pay for moving - especially since it was in the smack middle of The World is Ending Financial Apocalypse). While Brandi had proved "difficult" to live with, we hoped that without Kris, things would improve. Ha haa, rose colored glasses FAIL.

Craigslist once again helped us procure a new roommate, this time we happened to find another girl from Texas, moving up north to Live the Dream. I was super excited since that had been us, literally one year before, but unfortunately, I suck at the roommate vetting process. We didn't meet Ruby in person until she arrived, and well, she wasn't exactly what we pictured. First impressions included: Robert Pattinson obsession worse than a 12 year-old girl; inability to keep her stories straight (conversations about one guy led us to believe he had been her boyfriend, turns out he wasn't at all - would be shocked if he were real...) or one night she would pound shots and then the next night she would say she has 'never drank before;' she would endlessly watch and name-drop Meg Ryan circa 1995 movies, believing that was how Manhattan really was; and just a level of overall annoyance that made my brain cry out in pain. Seriously, I know IAAB, but I swear I really did try to make an effort, I just realized sooner rather than later that - for my mental health in particular - I could not be BFFs with her.  

Luckily though, for her sake, she and Brandi randomly did become BFF. Brandi, who had a temperament where she found it acceptable to regularly cuss out every person she interfaced with due to them somehow purposefully doing a poor job/inconveniencing slash ruining her life, was definitely not who I would expect to take Ruby under her wing, but shockingly, she did. This alliance ended up pitting the two groups (me and The BFF) and the Psychofaces against each other for a better part of the 12 months, but I guess it was somehow better than Ruby constantly sulking creepily in the living room (don't worry, there was still plenty of that too).

Okay, that was still a pretty long build-up to the actual purpose of this post, but believe me, I could have gone into way more detail. Painful detail.

Here is my point: during that time, I was in the best shape of my life. I went to the gym almost every day; I'd discovered this crazy diet plan called "Don't eat two dinners every night" - I know, you'd never think of that being a solution, right?!; and I would walk home from the gym/work nightly (an additional 30 minutes of cardio). All in all, I was dominating. Circumstances, etc. have changed since then, unfortunately.

Oh, also being roommates with The BFF is like living with my own personal eating parole officer. Having grown up in a household that did not have an endless supply of crappy packaged snacks, she has always been way healthier (and thinner) than me. She doesn't allow herself to mindlessly graze, and so - as opposed to when I lived in the most amazing sorority house ever with two chefs and friends who also loved snacking, ultimately gaining 10 pounds of memories - I actually lost weight by learning from her tactics.

But even all of those factors combined could not prove as effective as the Psycho Roommate Diet.

The first ultimate incentive to be skinny came from witnessing and listening to Brandi and Ruby (oh God I still have flashbacks to the sound of their voices - worse than nails on a chalkboard  - and so unnecessarily loud)'s laughable discussions about their impending "diets." There is no better diet than listening to two people talk about their diets only to then witness (and judge) them for ordering enough fatty delivery in one night at 11pm that could have fed a small village for a week. Or hearing two "dieters" talk about how much they were going to binge on their "cheat days." This conversation, mind you, would take place before any actual dieting had yet to commence.

When Brandi first moved in, she was fairly thin, but eventually fell into a two-month-long Big Mac Value Meal dinner bender that *shockingly* caused all of her pants to stop fitting. It was sort of like living with Morgan Spurlock. Once Ruby moved in, things only got worse for her. It was like they just wanted to sabotage each other's attempts at healthiness.

One of my favorite stories from the Bad Old Days is when Brandi went on and on about how she was doing the Master Cleanse. Much like with everything, it was very dramatic. Day one: insufferable. Day two: more insufferable. Day three: Outback Steak House. Wait, you didn't know the Day Three tradition of switching from the syrup-cayenne pepper-lemon water to the Bloomin' Onion??

Shockingly, the diet didn't work. Neither did their 10 minute "cardio" walks to Walgreens to purchase rolls of cookie dough diet.

IAAB x 1000.

Just by the shear annoyance level - and, of course, the motivation of superiority - I ate healthier and smaller serving sizes (or I guess you would refer to them as "accurate") if only to be better than them.

The second part of the Psycho Roommate Diet was the physical pain The BFF and I suffered just being in their presence - aka our living room slash kitchen where they always were. It caused us to have to really justify the need to leave our room for nutritional supplies. There were nights when The BFF wouldn't even want to order food just because she would have to leave our sanctuary and face the crazies when the delivery man arrived. The worst, though, was the ear pollution - which primarily came in the form of the acoustic versions of Umbrella. Over and over and over again. Walking into these "jam sessions" made food undesireable. Inedible even.

Times were tough.

But now, there are no longer any obstacles between me and my refrigerator, no more built-in incentives to be healthy without their mockable, eye-roll-inducing "diet" discussions. Now I'm forced to rely on self-control and will power to watch what I eat as opposed to judgment and competitiveness.

Ugh.

Anyway, just to end things on a good note - and to make me realize that no matter how fat I get living in our new, awesome apartment, at least I don't have to dread receiving aggressive condiment emails - I leave you with this gem from Brandi:

"You guys know that I am not working and money is very tight for me. I am on a strict budget and part of this budget is food. I have purchased both hellman's mayonnaise and country crock butter in the past weeks. Hellman's once and country crock 3 times. I have only used my mayo maybe 3 times and the butter about the same.

At first I thought maybe you thought it was communal. So I labeled them with my name. Haven't looked at them in a while but recently did so, and whomever used the mayo (seeing the label and ignoring it) left about 2 tablespoons and the butter-it was empty! I would appreciate 2 things-whomever used nearly all of my stuff-please replace it with the same size/brand etc. And 2: from here on out, if something is labeled, or, if you didn't buy it-don't use it! If you are in a bind or need to use something that is mine-just ask! I just cannot continue to shell out funds for stuff that I haven't even used."

Thanks,

B.

.· ´¨¨)) -:¦:-

¸.·´ .·´¨¨))

((¸¸.·´ ..·´ Brandi
-:¦:- ((¸¸.·´*
 
(P dot S, that was her actually swirley signature line. She's almost 30.)
 
My response: "FYI - I only cook with olive oil and I have my own mayonnaise (whole foods omega). Alex hasnt used either also since she's being a Vegan. I am more than happy to respect labeling, it makes it easier for me to know whats mine and visa versa."
 
That did not satisfy her, however, because she responded:"Then who the hell used it all? I guess it just disappeared on it's own, huh? Who puts an empty container that belongs to someone else back in the fridge??"

The only thing I wanted to write back was, "Neither of us have used them. Perhaps you should check with the scale."
 
But I didn't because I am the bigger person. Well, not literally. Zing.