[Editor's note: The following comes from a close guy friend of S - she dominates in the guy friend category - proving that: a) So many people want her to be happy (not just me), and b) These other people involved suuuuuck and don't deserve her friendship. Read my advice for her from yesterday if you haven't yet. Also, the author of this post thought I was "goth" in high school, which could not have been farther from the truth even though I like to dye my hair darker brown (when I can't afford being blonde). That's not relevant, but I would just like to throw that connection out there. Update: S just reminded me that in the scrapbook I made for her of our joint Sweet 16th Bday, I put a pic of this guest post writer sitting on the mailbox with the caption, "I think your mailbox just got hotter." Haa haa, no I did not remember that, S, but it was a legit statement.]
While I may not be an 'avid' follower of this blog, I do read it from time to time. (And always enjoy it when I do). This particular post has a special significance to me because "S" is a very near and dear friend of mine and as such, I have intimate knowledge of this rather frustrating situation.
I love S to death and want to be able to put forth an analysis to help articulate why she should “stop caring.”
So, High School Boyfriend 2.0 or as I have dubbed him, “Douche Mover” (because, well, he has a history of pulling just douche moves) didn’t JUST break up with S for some bogus reason. That’s only the tip of iceberg. Shortly thereafter, he hooked up with a friend of S right in front of her. Douche move. He also had a nice little habit of describing the details of his many dates to S. You know, sometimes after a break-up there’s a period of time when the ex-couple still have lingering feelings towards each other. This usually goes away with time or because of some other less fortunate means. Well, during that “lingering feelings period,” this guy REALLY liked to make all of his escapades with other girls blatantly obvious to her. This was where the majority of the conflict and hurt feelings stemmed from IMHO because frankly, this happened A LOT. I’m not saying he’s wrong for getting out there and dating around but seriously, he should have had a little tact. Douche move. There were also several instances within their “professional relationship”- which I won’t get into due to their sensitive nature- that supported the appropriateness of his “Douche Mover” title. Let’s just say, this guy has no idea about the concept of reciprocity.
And finally, the coup de grace: this whole business with “dumb slut girl.” There are several important features of this story that were overlooked: for one, “dumb slut girl”- or just DSG- was a good friend of S and went to visit S at law school. This visit was the definitive “girl’s weekend;” nothing but good ole’ fun between two girlfriends. Long story short, Douche Mover stayed true to his nature and tried time and time again to hook up with DSG without any regard for S or her feelings. No surprise there. But what REALLY irritated me (and S) was how DSG flew across the country with the intention to spend time with her friend and ended up taking MORE of an interest in Douche Mover. Oh, and it gets worse.
Now imagine you’re in S’ position: you KNOW Douche Mover has a history of just basically being an inconsiderate asshole. You don’t want to fall victim to him hurting you again by blatantly hooking up with one of your friends in front of you. But also, DSG is your friend; you want to look out for her and not see HER get hurt. That’s right, despite how painful it would be to see your friend get involved with the guy you still have feelings for, you’re willing to put that tiny little fact aside and focus instead on making sure she doesn’t get hurt.
DSG is so self-involved that she is completely incapable of seeing the big picture. S, trying to be a good friend, conveyed to DSG her side of the issue: S still had feelings for Douche Mover and it would upset her if he and DSG continued anything; however, even if that WASN’T the case, it would still upset her if he and DSG continued anything because of her fear of DSG going through the same thing she did when she dated Douche Mover. Of course, being stupid and selfish, DSG only focused on how S “didn’t want her to be happy” or some crap. From my point of view, it just seems ridiculous that DSG is willing to sacrifice S’ happiness to get what she wants. Now, I understand one might be tempted to say, “But what if their relationship works out and they end up really happy??” Please. All evidence to the contrary. I’m not saying they don’t deserve a chance to try, I just think it’s completely and utterly wrong to do so at the expense of a friend’s happiness.
Remember how I said it gets worse? I wasn’t lying. The real shit-bomb occurred when S found out Douche Mover went ahead and bought a plane ticket to fly halfway across the country to visit DSG for Spring Break. That’s right. After all the drama between the two girls in which S repeatedly told DSG that this whole situation was really hurting her feelings, DSG has no problem with him visiting her- in fact, she encouraged it. And when I say, “DSG has no problem” it’s more that she just doesn’t see their actions AS a problem. Again, she’s selfish… and dumb-- like, really dumb.
This situation is made all the worse because DSG has a deep history of doing crappy things like this-- similar to the history of Douche Mover’s douche moves. I’m not joking; this girl has ruined friendships, ruined relationships, caused more than her fair share of drama, and created or exacerbated conflict upon conflict. What’s the WORST part about it, though? She does all this without the slightest acknowledgement that any of her actions are wrong. She honestly believes that instead of her altering her hurtful behavior, others just shouldn’t view her behavior as hurtful. Think of your own personal quintessential definition of a ditz… Then multiply it by, I don’t know, a hundred?
The truth is, S is too nice. And that’s terribly unfortunate. Several times throughout our discussions over this issue she asked me, “Why am I so nice?” Upon further reflection it doesn’t matter why she’s so nice; what matters (to me, at least) is why someone who is so nice has been pushed to the brink of regretting being the decent, caring individual she is by others who- to borrow the phrase- don’t deserve to breathe the same oxygen as her? Honestly, it really pisses me off that two people who are both well-educated, perfectly rational human beings can have such a blatant disregard for someone as sweet and likeable as her. They just flat-out don’t care.
I really don’t want her to ever question herself like that again; not for the sake of people like that. She has told me several times before that she’s looking for a relationship. (Whether or not she’d want me to touch on this I can’t say for sure, but doing so helps me make a valid point). I understand that people tend to reach a period in their mid to late 20’s where they start looking for something more meaningful, long-term, permanent- whatever you want to call it. It’s certainly a mature decision, but I always find myself giving her the same advice: don’t be in a rush. And it’s true, she shouldn’t settle. Hell, no one should. I’m certainly not one to give relationship/dating advice, I’ll leave that to Rachel. But, to S, my point is pretty much the same as hers: you can’t let yourself care about this - about people who clearly don’t care about you.
Thanks for the great analysis! I'm all for holding on to old friends, but weed out the crappy ones that only bring baby mama drama. Life's too short.
No comments:
Post a Comment