My favorites:
RULE 1: Zany adventures are the best place to find love.
Are you investigating a madcap crime? Are you stuck on an airplane or ship? Are you members of the same sassy girl band, but he's in drag? Are you members of the same soccer team, but you're in drag? If you answered yes to any of the above, read no further, because you're all set. (Note: If you answered that you're on a ship, then one of you may die. But don't worry - your love story will be even more touching.)
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The Best-Looking Guy is the evil one. Remember that. Whisper it into a tape recorder and play the tape under your pillow while you sleep. The hot guy is only there to distract you from your steadfast roommate/confidant, friend's brother (who is also unusually hot, but in a less prissy way) or the Guy You Knew All Along. Exception: If the hottest guy around is Hugh Grant, then he probably is the right guy for you and you just need to wait for him to realize it, which will result in a car chase and a proposal. Exception to the exception: If your name is Bridget Jones, jump to Rule 4 (Give the Annoying Guy a try (unless it's Hugh Grant).
RULE 12: Cardinal Rule: Kids Are Wise.
When in doubt about your dating life, ask someone under 7 to explain it. These pint-size gurus have great instincts and your reliance on their advice shows that you Will Find Love After All. Unfortunately, Abigail Breslin is now too old to help you. But look for kids with big glasses and spiky blond hair, or, if none are present, get an adorably ill-behaved dog.
[Ed. note to self: Get a dog. Or two.]
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