Like Every girl ever, I've been sporting my knee-length down coat for the past few months. It's like my little Elie Tahari cocoon. Winter is the Ugly Season. Sure I might still get cat-calls and whistles while I'm walking down the block, but how do you know I'm cute if I'm bundled up in 75 layers, random guy? Are you just assuming...or *gasp* pretending? Wait, do you just do that to every girl that passes? I'm a little upset about this faux enthusiasm for my beauty. Oh well. Soon enough you will see that I am! Like Every girl ever, I am very humble about my cuteness.
Also, like Every girl ever, I cannot wait for Spring! In a few months, I will emerge as a Forever 21-sundress-clad butterfly. You see, like Every girl ever, I know that when it comes to cutesy outfits, it's quantity over quality - I can't be wearing the same thing in every upcoming Facebook pic, now can I? Shh don't tell 'cause I will of course let others assume it was way more 'spensy. I'm not the only girl who plays this game, I assure you. Along with Every girl ever, I will start purchasing the aforementioned warm weather ensembles pronto. Yes, the calendar might still say it's cold cold cold, but retail stores say buy buy buy. And it was just Fashion Week, so it's totally fine - we're inspired. And we love trends! When it comes to trends, my boyfriend is wrong, celebrities are right! Who cares if they're ugly, who cares if in two months I will be ashamed I bought an entire bottle of taupe nail polish or a dress with shoulder pads. Girl Hot is way more important than Guy Hot! Unless you're single, in which case you should just dress like a whore. Just kidding, Every girl ever will judge you, skank!
Like Every girl ever, I will also be entranced by adorable shoes that I know will destroy my feet. While I understand that one second sporting them will equal hours upon hours of uncontrollable pain, I race to buy them as fast as possible. Like Every girl ever, I'm a foot masochist. Beauty is Pain for a reason, duh.
While we try and be oh so cute hobbling around in our sex-ay, open-toed shoes, like Ever girl ever, I still schlep all of my personal belongings in my black Longchamp bag everywhere I go. Every girl ever has one, so who cares if it looks like I'm Mary Poppins. Why do I insist on lugging a purse full of mini-sized non-necessities with me? It doesn't matter, because one time I might need that back-up lip gloss I keep hidden for emergencies. Or the spare gum. Or that tape measure I needed two months ago. But like a boy scout or something, I'm Always Being Prepared. And, no, it doesn't matter that I could just drop into any of the 1,000,000 drugstores on every block to pick up something I need.
After a long day of schlepping and preparing for spring, my favorite snack is Greek yogurt just like Every girl ever! It's so healthy! It's just like icecream! Well, if ice cream were full of protein. And tasted like yogurt. Maybe you could trick yourself into thinking it was ice cream if you squint a lot and punch yourself in the brain while you eat it. The other day I realized I could put frozen fruit and other toppings in my yogurt and then mix it all up. Why has no one ever thought of this? It's so yummy and inventive! Every girl ever should be proud of me. Oh right, they already sell yogurt with fruit in it. It's still awesome, though, and I'm still a genius!
Like Every girl ever, I totally think leggings can be a substitute for regular pants. Every girl ever knows that while they may not be the most flattering choice, they are so comfortable! Every girl ever also knows that what we all really hope for - the opportunity for sweatpants to be fashionably acceptable - is probably never going to happen, so we might as well milk the legging glory for all their elastic worth. Plus you can wear them everywhere - the gym, brunch, work! Multipurpose, my fav!Today it's raining, and like Every girl ever, I'm clonking around in my rainboots. Unlike Every girl ever, I do not own a pair of Hunter boots, so therefore I hate the rain 'cause I feel left out. Instead, like Every other girl ever, I still have the first pair of rainboots I bought when I came to the city, you know, the brightly colored ones with little designs all over them. Like every girl ever, I still love my sorority even though I'm so old, so mine are covered with fleur de lis. Like Every girl ever, I hope that one day a "sister" will approach me about these, and then we'll become best friends! I'm still waiting.
Like Every girl ever, I loved college. Now, though, I realize I'm never going to get to go to another Frat theme party. Of course, like Every girl ever, this makes me sad and also motivated to throw myself a theme party soon. Hmm, what is a unique way to dress slutty?
Like Every girl ever I will write all of my ideas down in my day planner or my Moleskin notebook. Because, obviously organization is super important to Every girl ever! I'm like, so detail-oriented and Type A!!
Oh that reminds me, I gotta run and watch a marathon of Keeping Up With the Kardashians! What carazy stuff is happening with my fav reality fam this week? Oh wait, I've seen all the episodes! And I follow the entire family on Twitter! Like Every girl ever, I love low-brow celebrity entertainment and watching the same crap over and over again! And I'm only mildly ashamed!
Every Girl Ever
No comments:
Post a Comment