The R.A.C.H.E.L. Method of Dating

Dating is not that hard, I promise. If I can do it, anyone can. The most difficult thing is meeting someone worthy enough to want to be in a relationship with. But the problem with dating is that it’s just really exhausting. I’m exhausted just typing this. Or maybe that's because I went to the gym earlier. Either way.

But once you get into a rhythm, it gets easier. I figured I should share a few tips to get you started. Inspired by It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia's (season premiere is tomorrow!!) D.E.N.N.I.S.’ system to dating, I give you:

The R.A.C.H.E.L. System:

R = Reel him in with your charm, wit, and sass. If being a tad awkward is part of your charm (cough cough me), then by all means go with it. This will make him think you’re a quirky girl next door. Guys love quirky girl next door types, I swear. It is the new bread and butter dating demographic. Also, big important note, once you reel him in, don’t switch over to being over-aggressive, insecure, obsessive. CGS is no bueno.

A = Accentuate your natural assets. For some of us it might be the junk in the trunk. For you, it might be your ears. I don’t know. Whatever. Look your best is the point. Dress in something you look good and feel comfortable in. Wait to let yourself go till later on. Your sweatpants will understand.

C = Continually bring up topics that make you sound awesome, e.g. your great taste in music, sports, draft beer, movies, that are guy-relatable topics of interest. Chances are he does not care what happened on this week's episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians. Save that for an email to me! The worst crime, though, is being boring and/or lame. Even guys who are boring and/or lame prefer girls who are at least kind of interesting. Write some topics on your hand if you have (Sarah Palin stole that patented move from The BFF. No joke, in college she would write stuff on her hand, and once it included "weather." I'm being totally serious.)

H = Hang out with his friends, make sure to incorporate “C” into this step. Also, do not make out with any of his friends. I repeat do not make out with any of them. It's also important to endear yourself to his friends’ girlfriends. Friends’ girlfriends can be your greatest ally. Or your worst enemy. Be smart. Strategize. Impress. Conquer.

E = Engage in serial activities. Whether you start watching weekly football games together, attending concert series, or participating in your local bar's trivia night, become a part of his routine. Then he’ll be like, oh it’s Wednesday, I have plans with my lady friend. See, you just sneakily become his girlfriend without him even realizing it. Sucker.

L = Look elsewhere because this relationship is totes over, even though you would obv have had adorable children together and your initials would have made the perf monogram. But c’mon he lives in the Upper West Side, and this long distance relationship is just very exhausting. What are you supposed to do? Other fish in the sea, my fickle friend, other fish...

You're welcome. Now go watch It's Always Sunny and prepare to be wildly, gloriously offended.