WARNING: Men Migrating From Menhattan!

I don't want to alarm you or anything, but I've discovered a rather worrisome trend I felt like I should share. It has come to my attention that some of the best guys I've met in Manhattan are leaving the Big Apple for the greener pastures of Los Angeles, the city of whores. I mean angels.

This is unacceptable.

To help you better understand the dire circumstances we're experiencing, I have developed a color-coded warning system. Just like the Homeland Security alerts that the airport intercom is always rambling on about, it's super non-arbitrary and the distinct warning levels are easily understood.

Today's color is Eggplant Purple.

What does that mean? TERROR. Just kidding, it means moderate terror. How did we get to such a scary state, you may be asking. I will explain.

This terrible trend first came to my attention a few months ago, when J informed me that one of his friends Kenny - along with his awesome Texan wife - were migrating west. Wait, hold on what, you can leave New York and move somewhere other than Austin, Texas? Hmm, interesting concept. As my mother has led me to believe, Austin is the only option if you leave here.

Then soon after I heard this news, my friend Jim, the author of the Girls are like Beer; Girls are like Liquor posts, also announced he was moving to L.A. Since Jim and I are only friends via The Internet, it's not that big of a loss because we can continue to make not-funny Golden Girls references just as easily. I am NOT Stanley. Jaykay, it's still sad, though, because he's far more quality than most of the guys in the city.

And now, for the last straw, another one of J's "top tier" friends is the third (and hopefully final) great guy to depart for Cali. Not that the other trend-qualifying guys I've mentioned aren't wonderful too, but this guy - who we will refer to as The Mulk (J's friends love nicknames... + the body of the Hulk + the first letter of his name is M = The Mulk, please try and keep up) - is the one I've gotten to know the best. Unlike moi and the fact that the better you get to know me, the more IAAB, The Mulk is genuinely one of the nicest human beings ever, and his social presence will be missed.

While it sucks for us since we'll be stuck with an even shallower pool of acceptable men in this city (I have an entire list of nominees I'd be fine with leaving Manhattan...), I guess we should be happy for L.A. since lord knows they could probably use to bulk up their own non-douche quota. And in return, perhaps we could get a little of their warm sunshine.

So, farewell, friends, good luck and don't forget to come visit. Except in the winter because we don't need to hear about how much better it is in California.

H.A.G.S.

[Note: In case you actually wrote meaningful/heartfelt messages in people's yearbook, H.A.G.S. = Have a Great Summer. Aka "I have nothing else to say to you."]