Ahhh Christmas Comes Early

So I was super excited to learn (per my ultimate source of stop-working-and-look-at-this fodder, Ashley, thank you) Time Out New York has given us a little present today: 52 single, straight ELIGIBLE bachelors in New York.

The list includes photo, age, where they live and what they do. Clearly my mother was not in charge of making this list because it’s missing her two, most pertinent questions: their height and how they feel about moving to Austin.

Unfortunately, this present is a little like the Christmas when I was in third grade and all I wanted in the whole world was to get my ears pierced. And my mom gave me those stupid magnetic earrings, which I immediately mistook for real earrings and a gesture that I could get them pierced. Psych. I was devastated. Anyway, luckily soon after she and my dad went snow skiing, leaving us at home with the grandparents, and as an incentive to be on good behavior, she let me get them done then. Ahhh bribery, the foundation of good parenting.

I digress. Anyway, so this list was not as awesome as I had hoped it would be.

Its main flaws:

1. I am lazy. I’m only interested in convenience dating - geographic proximity is key. As Liz Lemon wisely advised on 30 Rock, "Long distance is the wrong distance. Dealbreaker!" The majority of these guys do not live on the isle of Manhattan. Yeah I understand the logic that many places in Brooklyn might actually be closer to me than other neighborhoods in Manhattan, but I cannot get past the mental roadblock of there being a river in between us.

2. A lot of them are not attractive or are hipsters. Is that redundant?

3. Allegedly all of these men are straight. I am having a hard time buying that.

So, I’ve weeded out all the total rejects, and in case anyone cares about my taste in men, here are the few that caught my eye. Unfortunately most of them have a few qualities that, well, seal their dealbreaker fate.

#9 is maybe the most my type, but oh Brooklyn, oh dealbreaker.

#25 is hot – but performance artist? I know for a fact that people describe standing creepily as the Statue of Liberty outside Central Park as “performance art”… Dealbreaker.

#30 is cute, but my age & Queens? Dealbreaker.

#35 works at Gawker! Lives in LES. Maybe he could get me a job! I think he’s cute, but I also think Seth Rogan is cute. So there.

#42 has pretty eyes…but my age and I don’t even know where the hell Yorkville is, so dealbreaker.

#46 has pretty hair. But he looks kind of melancholy. And BK dealbreaker.

I think #31 might be the BFF’s soul mate. LOVES ITTTTTTTTTTTTT. HAHAHAHAHA.