Thanksgiving-inspired Dating Memories

I just had a flashback to the start of my relationship during my junior year of high school, which began with a date the night before Thanksgiving.

We will refer to this guy as Baby Gums, because that's what The BFF still calls him. I'm not totally sure why? I guess he might have large gums and small teeth? Either way, he's actually pretty cute. But, that's neither here nor there.

Anyway, Baby Gums and I met through a shared journalism/yearbook class...obviously I'm so cool that I dated TWO guys I met through yearbook...

He finally asked me out right before the holidays, and he took me to a UT basketball game for our first date, which I assumed would also include eating.

Wrong.

When he picked me up around dinner time, he proceeded to excitedly tell me that he was in fact "fasting for Thanksgiving," his favorite holiday.

Fantastic.

Now, let's be honest, eating is one of my all-time favorite activities/interests and I'm not one to skip meals, but I tried to conform to his Thanksgiving-mindset. I too could bypass dinner in anticipation. I was fine.

Until the second quarter when I excused myself to go to the restroom, and by restroom, I mean the snack bar where I purchased and subsequently scarfed down a giant pretzel before returning to my seat. Because otherwise I might have died of starvation. Sometimes you have to censor your image a little at the beginning of a relationship, it's fine.

We went on to date for a few months until he broke up with me. At his house. Directly after my mom had just dropped me off.

Double fantastic.

Coincidentally we watched another UT basketball game on TV before he drove me home. Fact: not having a car or access to public transportation to escape post-getting dumped scenarios SUCKS.

In the end, though, I will say I won that relationship. Based on the fact that I made out with two of his friends (only partially out of spite), and went to prom with another one.

And this post would not be complete without me telling The Prom Story.

So when Baby Gums ended things with me I had a fairly strong suspicion it might have had to do with another girl. It did. Shocking. They started dating soon after and obviously planned on going to prom together as it was quickly approaching. Being fairly opportunistic, I realized that one of Baby Gum's best friends (who I had become friends with) was my best potential date option. Since he was fairly shy (read: afraid of girls, especially me and my powers of manipulation), I schemed my way into the role of his date...which included being part of Baby Gums' & Mrs. Baby Gums' group.

Suckers.

My date and I arrived at Baby Gums' house for group pictures.

My look for the evening: long red dress, curly dark brown hair half up, black shoes/accessories

Mrs. Baby Gums' look for the evening: long red dress, curly dark brown hair half up, black shoes/accessories

Update: My mom read this post and then scanned and sent me her fav prom photo - solo shot obv. Thanks, mommy!

We looked SO similar (although, let's be honest and humble, I looked better) that my other BFF from HS Shawn TRIED TO DANCE WITH HER thinking she was me.

Hahahhahaha. Awk-ward.

And that's the saga of Baby Gums. Maybe it would have turned out better  (i.e. I wouldn't have had to upstage his new GF at prom - IAAB) had he fed me dinner during that first date.

Food is the way to my heart.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!! Hook 'em Horns :)

And since no post would be complete without an available animals-in-costume photo, here you go:

Halloween was a Success

Halloween was great because:

a) I did not cry

b) In addition to a number of other props I had with me, I carried around a mini potato masher - which is just hilarious

c) The vast majority of my close NYC friends were all on hand to celebrate - in a city with one bajillion things to do and places to go it worked out so well!

d) Some guy - dressed as a giraffe a la Jeffrey from Toys R Us - gave me a non-business card with his name & email!! OMG just like my idea! Sadly FB photodocumentation warns me he's not that cute. IAAB.

And here's a little taste of Sexy Julia because I know everyone is DYING to see how it turned out:

You Don't Let Prime Real-Estate Sit on the Market

I'll be honest, finding an apartment when The BFF and I first moved to the city was one of the hardest things we've ever had to struggle with. Yes, we've had pretty easy lives, but seriously, the experience was SO painful. I won't bore you with the details (mostly because I'm too lazy right now to adequately describe the horror), but for two weeks, three amazingly generous girls allowed us Texan vagabonds to share the living room futon in their spatially-challenged Greenwich Village apartment.

For fourteen straight days we endlessly scoured Craigslist for anything that would work. After having two almost-signing-the-contract situations fall through, we were desperate to find something suitable. We had a checklist of required apartment specifications and had narrowed down our scope to a few, particular neighborhoods, but other than that, we were pretty open to whatever came our way.

We saw a lot of apartments. I mean a lot. Most were terrible. Like "a ply-wood 'wall' with a hole cut out for the front 'door' separating us from an annoying 18-year-old guy" horrible; like "a creepy stay-at-home chain-smoking creepster roommate" horrible; like "legitimate Craigslist 'wire us some money through MoneyGram' scam" horrible.

So once we found The One, we did not let it out of our sight. It had everything we wanted - good location, beautifully remodeled features, A DISHWASHER! It was love at first freaking sight. Yes, there were a few things that could have been better, but it didn't matter - we wanted it.


When you find something you've been searching for and realize it's everything you need - maybe even surprising you with hidden charms like courtyards visible from both sides of the apartment! - you lock it down. We knew that we couldn't let this one get away; we couldn't bear to live without it.

So after meeting a guy and dating for long enough to get a good sense of one another (the initial "getting to know each other" stage of dating obviously requires more time than judging an apartment - think a couple of months not days) and, if nothing has moved forward in terms of commitment (e.g. more frequent communication/hanging out/inclusion in activities/The Talk), I begin to realize that I'm not what they're looking for.

The longer a piece of property (i.e. a potential relationship) sits on the market without so much as a contract negotiation, the more likely it will decline in value. My mother is a realtor so I know what I'm talking about.

If you're really interested and truly wanted it, you wouldn't risk losing it. You sign the lease (or you buy it! Although I'm clearly nowhere near THAT kind of commitment, metaphorically or otherwise).

You're not willing to commit to me? To jump through some hoops to get me off the market? Sorry ... Snooze = lose.

How Much Does a Polar Bear Weigh?

The inspiration for my latest date-meeting scheme started this summer with one decent looking guy who I would pass on the street each morning – him just getting off the subway, me hopping on to head uptown to work. We started seeing each other so regularly and catching eye contact that we both began to give slight acknowledgements to one another. I saw him recently for the first time in awhile. Minor look of familiarity. All is not lost, but doubtful anything will ever come from it.

I hadn’t seen him for awhile because I had to tweak my work schedule, leaving a little earlier than before. My Park Ave friend was replaced by a couple of interchangeable, cute guys in suits who all ride in the same car I specifically wait for each morning. For those of you have never experienced commuting via subway, you should know that it is a great day when autopilot takes over and you instinctively begin to line up to wait for the subway car that will let you off directly in front of your final destination’s exit.

Almost every day – depending on the time I left – I began to recognize the same guys, all of whom could potentially be The One. Okay, maybe that is a tad dramatic, but based solely on shallow first impressions, they all look like guys I would go out with. I mean, yeah sure it’s a long-shot to meet a guy on the street – or in this case underground – but so is meeting someone at a bar. But much like my Park Ave friend, there has never been an opportunity to break the ice.

This is when it hit me. I just need a purse full of cards to pass out to hot guys. Kind of like business cards, but not. While some people do hand out their business cards to strangers (e.g. FH 2.0), I know the IT guys at work, and I would rather not have "hey random girl on the street, thanks for picking me up" emails stored on the server. Plus, if my recipients are taken or are not interested, having my full name and place of employment makes things muy awkward, in my opinion.

What I need is an icebreaker card – a card with my name and email address. Just like an online dating profile. And maybe a funny joke or something. You know, to break the ice.

It’s like guerrilla marketing meets matchmaking – two strangers connecting. What would be the harm in that? I live in a city of millions of eligible bachelors, yet how come it seems like I never meet any of them? I need to expand my dating pool.

And, in the case with my subway boyfriends, I already know we have similar schedules. Dating convenience is something I hold in high regard. We could even be that annoying couple who commutes together ... although for the sake of those around me, I promise to limit my early-morning PDA.

So if society embraces this trend, or if I get ballsy enough to go rogue and print up a batch of these bad boys on my own, maybe the next time I see Park Ave I can casually slip him a card as he walks past ... and we'll see where things go from there.

Who could resist calling me after receiving this?

(front)

(back)

Poker Face

Casual dating in New York is like playing high stakes poker. If you want to play at the big table, you better have some game. And you won’t be able to stay at the table if you don’t have at least a few cards to play.

You have to have equal if not better hands than the guys you’re dating. They’re professionals. You can’t expect them to go down without a fight, and you better be able to raise the stakes when necessary. If you aren’t seeing anyone else, you will become too available because, let's be honest, he probably is. You will blow your cool and he will know you’re bluffing.

Even though he might be your Ace, if you don't have anything else to compete with, it won’t do you any good. It's hard to win with just one card. You have to have a few other interests to spread out your time. Even if it’s just a couple of twos, keep them in your hand.

The thing is, though, eventually the game gets old after awhile. Unless you’re on the World Series of Poker tour, you realize there is more to life than playing games and trying to have the best hand.

Most of the guys I’ve dated recently seem to be more focused on their game than seeing where things are going with me. They’re players.

And I'm not the kind of girl who can keep up her poker face after awhile. I just get fed up with the games.

Market Research

I feel like my life is a continuous loop of online feedback requests. Whether it’s the annoying pop up surveys when you visit a website, or a follow-up email asking for your comments after a dinner you reserved through Open Table, interactive communication is changing the dynamic of our world. Whether or not you take the time to fill it out is your prerogative, but if you have something to share or recommend about improving the experience, you can. While I’m sometimes skeptical about how much my opinion will make a difference, I still appreciate being proactively presented with the option.



Unfortunately this candid, quick and easy two-way communication has not yet been harnessed where I think it could be most helpful - dating – a terrain in serious need of cooperative feedback to help streamline the many complexities plaguing relationship building in our over-stimulated, attention-deficit culture. Casual dating lacks open and honest communication like Times Square lacks things I enjoy.

The perfect example of when the opportunity to solicit feedback would be invaluable: a guy goes radio silent after you think things had been going well. Out of nowhere you never hear from him again. Perhaps you went to his friend’s intimate birthday dinner with his close friends and their serious girlfriends (last Friday). He insists he wants to see you the following night only to not respond to your text. And then you don’t hear from him for awhile. Clearly things are fading out - it’s fine, it’s life, it’s FJO dating - but the nagging question of WHY will inevitably vex me you. [Note: his friends seemed very nice, not like the kind of people to say they hated you, so hoping that is not the reason.]

While I’ve made a personal commitment to maintain fairly low, early-on expectations about guys I meet, the fact that this totally hypothetical situation could occur is irritating. This behavior from most guys wouldn’t really faze me, but seeing as how a certifiable member of MPD has fallen off the radar, I can’t help being a little perplexed…I mean, I WOULD feel this way if I found myself in this situation...

Now, I can be totally guilty of the same bullshit dating faux pas. Sometimes I don’t return calls, maybe it’s because I’m busy and I forget, maybe I don’t see the point since I know it’s not going anywhere. Whatever it is, it's bitchy; maybe he cares, maybe he doesn’t. But if a guy cared enough to straight up ask me why I abruptly ended things, I think I would respond. And maybe guys who blow off girls would too?

This is when a handy email survey, Facebook or iPhone app would be perf. A “So How Come You Just Weren’t That into Her/Him” quick questionnaire would save a lot of wondering.

The post-dining survey would be a great one to mimic:

We would appreciate your feedback about your experience at Mercer Kitchen hanging out with Rachel on August 29, 2009. Please take a moment to fill out our Dining Dating Feedback Form:

Food?
Service?
Ambiance?
Noise?
Overall experience?

Ok, well maybe I’ll have to change a few of the categories, but you know what I mean.

Not that I’m suggesting public reviews of my dating or anything – this blog is clearly more than enough overshare to go around - but it would be nice to be able to discreetly solicit feedback after things end with a guy.

An outside third party could provide you with the closure – and valuable dating insight – that would help you go on with life without having to spend the next two weeks obsessing over WHY.

Yeah maybe he might make up an excuse, but at least it’s SOMETHING. Or maybe he will admit the reason he stopped talking to you is, in fact, the hidden insecurity you feared it to be, and you’re heart broken. But you will get over it. Because at least you know - at least the uncertainty is gone. Plus then you will learn that all those bullshit excuses you feed yourself (and your friends considerately feed you) are crap. Man up.

Although, since girls are crazy, this genius idea has a fairly high chance of back-firing. If his reasons aren’t deemed as acceptable excuses, a girl could send a million texts in retaliation. But I figure those girls are probably the same ones who would send a million text messages to inquire why he wasn’t calling them back in the first place.

Maybe this isn’t the worst idea?

'You Are Pretty Funny for 24'

- a patronizing text from FH 2.0, who is quickly headed down the path to Closed Fileville. Tis a shame seeing as how he was the only one left on the roster from MPD (my perfect demographic), who I coincidentally met in MPD (Meatpacking District).

Knowing When to Close the File [Guest Post by Meg MacDougal]

[Editor's Note: Once upon a time I was Editor-in-Chief of the yearbook. It ruled. Clearly I love to be in charge (because I'm bossy). Anyway, since I have friends who are equally if not more entertaining than (I think) I am, my goal is to incorporate their hilarious dating insight into this blog. Please feel free to email me if you have something to share ... PS I get full editorial approval and you have to call me The Editor.]

Meg MacDougal:

Many times, you know right away that it’s time to close the file. And in some cases, you don’t even have to go through the trouble of creating a file at all.

Case in point: The guy that inappropriately propositioned me via work VM (voice mail) after getting my business card at a semi-work-related event (which is probably a story for another time …).

In other cases, it’s not so cut and dry – if only “he’s just not that into you” was as easy to decipher as the author of that damn book (and Justin Long) would have you believe. As per “Dating on the MTA Timetable,” there are often other factors at play.

So when do you chalk it up to a loss and move on? When do you give up on something that could potentially turn out to be a successful relationship? It’s hard to say, because, as clearly evidenced throughout Rachel’s astute musings, finding a worthy candidate in this zoo of a city often proves near impossible.

So it’s understandable that when a true potential comes along, the desire to hold on for dear life inevitably manifests itself in record time. Watch out, as this enthusiasm (while well-meant, perhaps) generally starts to morph into a full-blown case of CGS pretty quickly.

Next question: so how do you cure (or even avoid) said case of CGS? Learn when to go ahead and wield the “Closed-File” stamp. Easier said than done (sounds like I’m speaking from experience here?). If lining up initial dates is the equivalent of pulling teeth, maybe that should be taken as foreshadowing for the entire relationship. I may or may not have an open file that’s ripe for closing – If only I could heed my own advice …

Dating on the MTA Time Table

Timing is half the battle. I constantly listen to friends (and myself) complain about meeting great guys only to have both people be consistently booked up so there is no opportune time for schedules to overlap.

The end of the summer is busy for everyone. Money is tight. You’re lazy. You have better things to do. You have different priorities. Things keep getting pushed back.

Dates get relegated to weeks in advance only to get re-scheduled further into the future. Even if things do work out to meet up occasionally, it’s so sporadic that nothing ever really gels. There is no forward momentum.

Eventually it turns into a hassle. Negotiations stall. Things between you either get relegated to the Closed file, or maybe in the queue of random off-hand texting with no expectation that any plans will ever materialize.

I am a planner so this purgatory.


Does this sound familiar? It’s a little like reading about the long-suffering problems of the MTA. For those of you who are not familiar with the bureaucratic agony that is the Metropolitan Transit Authority, it is the most poorly and inefficiently run organization in the history of the world.

It has plenty of problems, just like dating in the city.

So I ask - what is a harder task to accomplish in Manhattan - completing a new subway line or finding a boyfriend?

It’s a toss up.

I’m pretty sure I’m on track to find a serious relationship about the time the long-awaited 2nd Avenue subway line opens up.

The line, which was first mentioned in 1920, is promised soon!



2015. Excellent news indeed...

Guy-Hot vs. Girl-Hot

A few friends and I recently got on the subject of male and female’s differing opinions of attractiveness. You know, you have a friend who you think is super cute, but then you make the comment to a guy only for him to give you a “Are you serious?” look. And then he goes and hits on some but-her-face girl. BUT WHY? It’s so weird!

Girl-hot appreciates a level of distinct beauty that can go misunderstood by some guys. On the Beauty Appreciation Spectrum, girls seem to recognize a wider range of looks while guys tend to lean one way or another – exotic, classic, somewhere in the middle – so maybe whoever you point out just isn’t his type, or maybe he’s just a blind idiot.

One thing guys seem to have a universal appreciation for: bimbos. Shocking.

In addition to physical characteristics, outfits are another sticking point for clash of the sexes. It seems plenty of girls are wasting there time trying to impress guys with their outfits - for nothing.


The majority of those fashion-forward items you have in your ensemble? Leggings? Weird pant-substitutes in general, especially jumpsuits? Fingerless gloves? All guy repellent. Unless the trend involves showing as much leg or cleavage as possible, guys probably hate it.

Do not channel your inner Lady GaGa if you want to get a (straight) guy’s attention. There is a reason that you can go out and get 20 compliments from random girls and yet not a single phone number.

Reject the romper.

A Major Reason Why I Probably Can’t be in a Relationship

At the moment I can’t commit to anything. I want a dog more than anything, but I know there is no way I can handle that sort of responsibility. Instead I will be resigned to lurking creepily outside of dog parks. Awkward.

I haven’t been able to commit to a co-ed beer league sports team. Once a week (or more!)? Ha. Do you want me to go ahead and change my name and open a joint checking account while I’m at it? I did recently get recruited for a team, though, but thank goodness I’m an alternate. Baby steps.

At the beginning of the summer, my sweet grandma generously sent me money to get my hair highlighted. After attempting to make a salon appointment, I started to freak out about the inconvenient maintenance schedule – too much required commitment! So instead I used the money toward a new Tory Burch purse – a good purch. so I don’t feel like it was given in vain. Sorry, Dolo, but it’s really cute.

I’m hoping this is just a stage.

Texting Case Study: Creepsters

I get some text messages that are the virtual equivalent of cat-calls from sketchy guys loitering around Kips Bay. Like, no way, “Oh hey there luscious I wanna get wit that,” is ever going to work, buddy. Anyway, sometimes I give out my number to ok-seeming guys to regret it after just one text.

For example:

2:30 am: “Why am I still thinking about you?”
3:15 am: “Still remembering the white dress???”

2:00 pm: “Hi sorry to keep bothering you but I can’t stop thinking about you.”

4:45 pm: “Not fair, I like you and want to get to know you.”

We met at 1 am for 15 minutes, we are not soulmates.

Textual Analysis

Texting is awesome, especially in the early stages of dating. It’s nonchalant, it’s breezy. Since it doesn’t require instantaneous response, it allows for thoughtfully crafted replies to lure your potential interest, as opposed to awkwardly babbling voicemails that make them rethink calling you back (maybe that’s just me?)

This time buffer allows for strategic communications decisions to be made - perhaps a little sass or wit is the right plan of attack, maybe something a little more direct is needed to really get your point across. Or maybe you decide that the text you just received deserves no response at all. Fair enough.

But one of my favorite parts of text message courtship is the end result - an analyzable transcript to provide insight into where things might be headed. Here are some main factors to keep in mind when deciding whether a guy is worth pursuing:

• Any major red flags or high creepy factor levels that immediately rise to the surface during the make-it or break-it communication directly after your initial interaction. Let’s say, for example, you meet someone at a bar for a short period of time and he gets your number. You thought he was cute but don’t know much about him. You have a vague recollection of thinking he might have been kind of lame/a womanizer/not your type/etc. but you can’t remember because you were drunk. So in order to overcome the poor first impression you associate with him, these texts are the deciding factor. Most people get weeded out here.

• His apparent interest in you based on how frequently he texts, if he initiates specific plans, his average length of response time to your texts, what time of day/night he texts you, etc. There are often plenty of clues to know if it’s worth your time to keep liking someone, but most girls (me included) tend to overlook these glaring factors. The original FH took on average 36 hours to respond to texts. Uh, hello, red flag?!

• The caliber of the banter based on his repartee skills, the level of sass you feel comfortable using, the development of a few small personal jokes or inclusion of follow ups to previous conversations. You need someone thoughtful and willing enough to flirt via SMS in order to vie for your attention. I personally need someone who thinks I’m funny. If he doesn’t appreciate my text humor, he probably won’t get the real life version either.

A brief analysis of these three categories will offer a basic idea about whether or not this guy is worth your time. Although following the suggested advice is often easier said than done...believe me.

Always Have Someone on the Bench

I have been boy crazy since 5th grade. Since I can remember, I’ve always typically had at least one person to be interested in, you know, just as a side project or something. Liking boys is a hobby. A sport.

As long as things are casual there is no problem pursuing a variety of crushes until one pans out that way you’re never too focused on one person, which leads you down that detrimental path to CGSville. Pretty good game plan, I think.

I live in the ups and downs of new crush excitement, the balancing act of who you like more, the possibilities. Then one moves ahead in the race and the others just fall by the way side. You're looking for the winning horse, but that doesn’t mean you should necessarily put all your money on it right away. Spread out the bet a little and see your options at least.

When I moved to New York, I knew I needed to get a few interests to occupy my time. Luckily I found myself meeting guys left and right (mostly due to poor discretion and strong dating ambition.)

I ended up developing a fairly sufficient rotating lineup of interests - a mixed group of guys that ranged from legitimate options, hopeful interests, and let’s be honest, a few warm bodies to bulk up the lineup - the guys that I knew I would never be interested in for a variety of reasons, but kept on friendly terms with JIC.

However, eventually as the weather started to cool off after the summer, for whatever reason my dating life began to cool off too. My lineup began to dwindle: one of the guys got a serious girlfriend, one I realized was in fact not that awesome and actually kind of terrible, one could not overcome my preconceived opinion that a) he looked like a British monkey, b) he was shorter than me, and c) his roommate was The World’s Biggest Douchebag. Dealbreaker.

The season was over and all my free agents had left.

Crazy Girl Syndrome (CGS)

Unfortunately due to my completely inaccurate thought-process regarding dating, not long after I moved I developed a full-fledged case of Crazy Girl Syndrome (CGS).

CGS is the condition where outwardly great females - beautiful, smart, funny, seemingly confident - turn into neurotic, psycho bitches who shamelessly obsess and go after typically unworthy guys far longer than they should. You know the type or maybe you are the type.

Now, CGS can manifest in specific situations and eventually be overcome without (hopefully) causing too much permanent damage. For example, you like a guy, maybe you go out a few times, you text him. Either a) he doesn't respond, b) he responds a lengthy amount of time later, c) his response is half-assed and non-committal. You text again. Maybe you're bolder and you call. Uh oh, he doesn't respond.

Now you're starting to look desperate and you know it. Mental mantra (or friend's wisdom) repeatedly says, "Keep dignity intact! Self-control! Back away from the phone!" Of course this is all far easier said than done... this is a blog about learning things the hard way after all...

Eventually oxygen returns to your brain and you realize he probably sucks anyway. Maybe you never talk again, and that's fine. Then you meet someone who obsesses over you, and you think, "Wow this guy is desperate." Maybe you also make the connection that in the last relationship YOU were that guy... It starts to make sense. You live and you learn.

Unfortunately, some girls just naturally suffer from CGS all their lives, and well, that sucks for them. I know more than a few ladies who are downright amazing but their inner insecurities fuel outwardly crazy behavior and will always remain a roadblock to healthy relationships. "OMG WHY ISN'T HE TEXTING ME!?" Maybe chill the F out and he will...

I am convinced, though, that CGS is a problem that you can overcome no matter how severe the case may be. Like anything else, self-control and understanding your problem and practicing self-control can usually do the trick.