Market Research

I feel like my life is a continuous loop of online feedback requests. Whether it’s the annoying pop up surveys when you visit a website, or a follow-up email asking for your comments after a dinner you reserved through Open Table, interactive communication is changing the dynamic of our world. Whether or not you take the time to fill it out is your prerogative, but if you have something to share or recommend about improving the experience, you can. While I’m sometimes skeptical about how much my opinion will make a difference, I still appreciate being proactively presented with the option.



Unfortunately this candid, quick and easy two-way communication has not yet been harnessed where I think it could be most helpful - dating – a terrain in serious need of cooperative feedback to help streamline the many complexities plaguing relationship building in our over-stimulated, attention-deficit culture. Casual dating lacks open and honest communication like Times Square lacks things I enjoy.

The perfect example of when the opportunity to solicit feedback would be invaluable: a guy goes radio silent after you think things had been going well. Out of nowhere you never hear from him again. Perhaps you went to his friend’s intimate birthday dinner with his close friends and their serious girlfriends (last Friday). He insists he wants to see you the following night only to not respond to your text. And then you don’t hear from him for awhile. Clearly things are fading out - it’s fine, it’s life, it’s FJO dating - but the nagging question of WHY will inevitably vex me you. [Note: his friends seemed very nice, not like the kind of people to say they hated you, so hoping that is not the reason.]

While I’ve made a personal commitment to maintain fairly low, early-on expectations about guys I meet, the fact that this totally hypothetical situation could occur is irritating. This behavior from most guys wouldn’t really faze me, but seeing as how a certifiable member of MPD has fallen off the radar, I can’t help being a little perplexed…I mean, I WOULD feel this way if I found myself in this situation...

Now, I can be totally guilty of the same bullshit dating faux pas. Sometimes I don’t return calls, maybe it’s because I’m busy and I forget, maybe I don’t see the point since I know it’s not going anywhere. Whatever it is, it's bitchy; maybe he cares, maybe he doesn’t. But if a guy cared enough to straight up ask me why I abruptly ended things, I think I would respond. And maybe guys who blow off girls would too?

This is when a handy email survey, Facebook or iPhone app would be perf. A “So How Come You Just Weren’t That into Her/Him” quick questionnaire would save a lot of wondering.

The post-dining survey would be a great one to mimic:

We would appreciate your feedback about your experience at Mercer Kitchen hanging out with Rachel on August 29, 2009. Please take a moment to fill out our Dining Dating Feedback Form:

Food?
Service?
Ambiance?
Noise?
Overall experience?

Ok, well maybe I’ll have to change a few of the categories, but you know what I mean.

Not that I’m suggesting public reviews of my dating or anything – this blog is clearly more than enough overshare to go around - but it would be nice to be able to discreetly solicit feedback after things end with a guy.

An outside third party could provide you with the closure – and valuable dating insight – that would help you go on with life without having to spend the next two weeks obsessing over WHY.

Yeah maybe he might make up an excuse, but at least it’s SOMETHING. Or maybe he will admit the reason he stopped talking to you is, in fact, the hidden insecurity you feared it to be, and you’re heart broken. But you will get over it. Because at least you know - at least the uncertainty is gone. Plus then you will learn that all those bullshit excuses you feed yourself (and your friends considerately feed you) are crap. Man up.

Although, since girls are crazy, this genius idea has a fairly high chance of back-firing. If his reasons aren’t deemed as acceptable excuses, a girl could send a million texts in retaliation. But I figure those girls are probably the same ones who would send a million text messages to inquire why he wasn’t calling them back in the first place.

Maybe this isn’t the worst idea?

Guy-Hot vs. Girl-Hot

A few friends and I recently got on the subject of male and female’s differing opinions of attractiveness. You know, you have a friend who you think is super cute, but then you make the comment to a guy only for him to give you a “Are you serious?” look. And then he goes and hits on some but-her-face girl. BUT WHY? It’s so weird!

Girl-hot appreciates a level of distinct beauty that can go misunderstood by some guys. On the Beauty Appreciation Spectrum, girls seem to recognize a wider range of looks while guys tend to lean one way or another – exotic, classic, somewhere in the middle – so maybe whoever you point out just isn’t his type, or maybe he’s just a blind idiot.

One thing guys seem to have a universal appreciation for: bimbos. Shocking.

In addition to physical characteristics, outfits are another sticking point for clash of the sexes. It seems plenty of girls are wasting there time trying to impress guys with their outfits - for nothing.


The majority of those fashion-forward items you have in your ensemble? Leggings? Weird pant-substitutes in general, especially jumpsuits? Fingerless gloves? All guy repellent. Unless the trend involves showing as much leg or cleavage as possible, guys probably hate it.

Do not channel your inner Lady GaGa if you want to get a (straight) guy’s attention. There is a reason that you can go out and get 20 compliments from random girls and yet not a single phone number.

Reject the romper.

Foreigners: Stage-Five Clingers or Womanizers

Foreigners* - avoid at all cost

*I'm referring to men who are visiting or who have lived in the states for less than three years, it's science.

So there was the incident with the Brazilian soccer PLAYER.

Clearly he's not alone. There are tons of good looking foreigners roaming the streets, seducing women with their suave non-American accents. Let me warn you right now, if you meet this type, he is probably a womanizer too. Enjoy the foreign fantasy while you can, but don't let yourself have high expectations of a long romance.

However, you can also run into the opposite end of the spectrum, something I have had to learn the hard way.

One night the BFF and I went to a neighborhood bar where we met two Israeli soldiers visiting the U.S. for the first time. It became apparent that one of them was quite captured by the BFF and her quasi-middle eastern look, while the other one chatted with me. He told me he had a girlfriend back in Israel and even showed me a picture.

Seeing as how they seemed nice enough, we obliged at the end of the night when they asked for our phone numbers, and it turned out, my email address as well. My new friend had a GF so I didn't think he would actually contact me again.

Wrong.

The following day we had already received three calls each from these guys, with the number of missed calls exponentially increasing with each day that passed. Eventually after a solid two weeks of stalker-like phone calls, voicemails and broken-English emails, our soldier friends finally took the hint.

A few months after that, I made the mistake of making out with a seemingly sweet South American at a bar, mostly due to boredom. Again, at the time it seemed like a fine idea to give him my number even though inside I knew I would never want to see him again. Unfortunately I just felt too bad telling him that in person, and I paid for it for weeks. There is nothing more annoying than being excited by the alert of a text message only to find it's ANOTHER ONE from someone you never want to hear from again.

After those eye-opening experiences, I made a promise to myself to be slightly more discerning...it is sort of working.

Crazy Girl Syndrome (CGS)

Unfortunately due to my completely inaccurate thought-process regarding dating, not long after I moved I developed a full-fledged case of Crazy Girl Syndrome (CGS).

CGS is the condition where outwardly great females - beautiful, smart, funny, seemingly confident - turn into neurotic, psycho bitches who shamelessly obsess and go after typically unworthy guys far longer than they should. You know the type or maybe you are the type.

Now, CGS can manifest in specific situations and eventually be overcome without (hopefully) causing too much permanent damage. For example, you like a guy, maybe you go out a few times, you text him. Either a) he doesn't respond, b) he responds a lengthy amount of time later, c) his response is half-assed and non-committal. You text again. Maybe you're bolder and you call. Uh oh, he doesn't respond.

Now you're starting to look desperate and you know it. Mental mantra (or friend's wisdom) repeatedly says, "Keep dignity intact! Self-control! Back away from the phone!" Of course this is all far easier said than done... this is a blog about learning things the hard way after all...

Eventually oxygen returns to your brain and you realize he probably sucks anyway. Maybe you never talk again, and that's fine. Then you meet someone who obsesses over you, and you think, "Wow this guy is desperate." Maybe you also make the connection that in the last relationship YOU were that guy... It starts to make sense. You live and you learn.

Unfortunately, some girls just naturally suffer from CGS all their lives, and well, that sucks for them. I know more than a few ladies who are downright amazing but their inner insecurities fuel outwardly crazy behavior and will always remain a roadblock to healthy relationships. "OMG WHY ISN'T HE TEXTING ME!?" Maybe chill the F out and he will...

I am convinced, though, that CGS is a problem that you can overcome no matter how severe the case may be. Like anything else, self-control and understanding your problem and practicing self-control can usually do the trick.