Miracle Above Allen

Exhibit A

More updates about my second annual Memorial Day Staycation later, but to tide you over, I figured I should share with you the most embarrassing story ever. Because you might be fighting the post-vacay blues and need something to cheer up your spirits, and obviously I love to help others.

So there I was at one point this weekend, in the bathroom, a line of unruly patrons banging on the door behind me, handcuffed to my underwear.

Okay, maybe it would help the story for me to set the stage.

Last weekend while Cabs was here (ha, just like Pauldy D's "cabs ah' here!"), we were shopping uptown, and I decided to treat myself to a cute new bracelet from Bendel's. Since then, I've been wearing it quite a bit, including on Saturday night when I went to dinner with Keaton and two of her high school friends. Following our meal [Random aside: Our waitress was all, "I have a mermaid tattoo because I love nautical things!" and of course I was intrigued cause I too am a fan of the sea, but wow was I disappointed when she turned around to show us that she literally had a tattoo of "M-E-R-M-A-I-D" on her shoulder - yes, really - and no I'm not sure if that was a misunderstanding with her tat artist], we headed to Above Allen to enjoy the view. And some dranks.

Per usual, I had to pee. Cut to me in the bathroom, a solo venue, and all of a sudden - like a magician - I find my bracelet completely hooked onto my underwear. I know what you're thinking, please don't tell me any more about this predicament. This isn't Bridesmaids, stop pandering to your (very small) male audience by incorporating bathroom humor. But I can't help it! Like I said, it was magic. And it's scientifically proven that both sexes like magic!

Okay where was I? Literally, for the life of me, I could not get myself unhooked. (Motor skills not functioning at peak performance aside, the clasp is really tricky!)

Thought process: Hmm, what to do what to do? Unclasp, unclasp, unclasp! One hundred thousandth times a charm, right? Wrong! Oh so very wrong! What is wrong with me? I mean, not as a person, we can deal with that later, but in this situation, what kind of girl finds herself handcuffed to her underpants?! A moron! An idiot! You'll never amount to anything! Stop self-loathing, save that for another day. How can you get yourself out of this? Well, I could take off my underwear, but then they would be attached to my wrist. But maybe once I'm holding my underwear, I can unhook it! 

Attempt to unhook bracelet while holding underwear. Fail miserably. Start to panic.


Well crap. Maybe underwear corsages are the new thing? I mean, luckily I'm wearing a pair that sort of goes with my dress? It's prom season!? No one will think twice about it!

Bang. Bang. Bang. 

Hurry up, Rachel, you idiot. Give up the dream. Hanky Panky Corsages are never going to fool people. Stop trying to make 'fetch' happen! What other options do I have? People might start to think you died in here! But I don't want to die in here! Get off the bracelet. Take it off. Now. If it breaks, it'll be equal to the money you wasted on Match.com! God, that was the worst. Why do I always waste money on the dumbest things? Except this bracelet. Crap, I love this bracelet. 

Bang. Bang. Bang. 

And so I did what I had to do. I channeled some 'skinny wrist' thoughts as I contorted my hand and slipped it off. The bracelet didn't break. It was a miracle.

And that, friends, is what we call a successful night out. 


So, how was your Memorial Day?