Happy New Year's Eve!

Hope everyone has a fun "2nd Biggest Letdown Night of the Year!" (first, of course, being Valentine's Day). Look at me, good thing being in a relationship hasn't changed me (and my capacity for cynicism).

Today is also my parents' anniversary! Mazel Tov. Approximately 27(?) years ago they got married on New Year's Eve and allegedly had a pretty rockin' party for their reception. Thanks for the invite, mom and dad.

As far as anniversary dates go, NYE is a pretty easy for my dad to remember, but since it's also one of the busiest nights of the year, it can be a pain to make plans to go out (especially for someone who doesn't love busy restaurants and prefers to fall asleep in the living room watching PBS...yes my family is wild). This year, though, I served as a witness to my dad attempting to secure reservations, yet my mom - the woman who loves to complain about his lack of effort in situations such as these - was being indecisive about it all. 

So I don't know what they'll end up doing, but if they don't do anything, he is off the hook! He tried!!! I vouch for his effort! Love y'all.

Guest Post: Match.Mom – A Success Story

Editor's Note: After receiving a complaint about my lack of posts, I suggested my friend Lauren write her own. Lauren has been mentioned before - she was the one who said every new friend was just a dollar sign (my new favorite quote), and she was also with me the night of stalking Chuck Bass outside the Gramercy Park Hotel. Clearly she is amazing. Enjoy.

Match.Mom – A Success Story
By Lauren

No, my mom isn’t crazy, she doesn’t have a Facebook account or stalking tendencies, and she has certainly never introduced me to potential FH. But recently she introduced me to someone far, far better: a potential FMiL (future mother-in-law).

I was at an engagement party this past summer for my BFF, when my mom introduced me to a sweet neighbor of ours who I had never met. After some friendly chatting, the following conversation took place:

FMiL: Lauren, do you have a boyfriend?

Me: Nope, I certainly do not.

FMiL: Well, I am shopping for my son, and I really hope you get to meet him.

[Note - if any lady with FMiL potential asks you if you have a bf, you should always say no. You never know when you’ve been blessed with an opportunity to trade up.]

That was it. The rest of the night, IT WAS ON. I turbo-charged my charm, casually highlighted some of my strengths and accomplishments, brought out my best dance moves, and even invited her and Mr. FMiL to join my family’s dinner table. So when I got home that night, like any discriminating girl with a brain, I stalked her son via facebook…

JESUS, MARY, AND JOSEPH… JACKPOT! He was hot, he was tall, he had a nice smile, and we had like 30 legit friends in common. I immediately began planning our future together.

The rest is history. We’re in love, and I know that our relationship wouldn’t be what it is had I not been recruited by his mom. There truly are a lot of benefits to meeting someone through your family that I have experienced first hand. You know from the beginning, rather than months into a relationship, whether or not they have a family you could stand to be a part of. Also, when your parents are involved you can’t go very long without being forced to define the relationship. And lastly, you both generally are on your best behavior, because you’re held accountable for your actions by people who know your parents.

All the benefits I just described pretty much depict the way high school relationships work, which I ultimately feel is a good thing. There was so much less bullshit back then.

I like you + you like me = we’re dating.

Lately, the equations have been much more complicated.

[(I like you + you like me) – (you work 100 hours a week) - you're applying to grad school + (you spend a lot of money taking me out / you’ve introduced me to your friends)] – you wear man jewelry^2 + your adorable dog already loves me – you live on the other side of town = who the hell knows.

The point is, in times when searching for a FH seems like a futile waste of time, embrace Match.Mom… maybe she really does know best? It's like taking dating into your own hands, but then passing it off into the hands of someone just like you, but older and crazier. Plus, it will make for some adorable stories at your rehearsal dinner.

Thanks, Lauren. You might be a genius.

I Suck

Sorry for my lack of posts, I've been very lazy (well, really just too busy eating non-stop, but, hey, that's what the holidays are for, right?) and traveling. I journeyed to Austin to see the fam and to be harassed about when I will be moving back. Now that I've returned to the frigid north, I'm thinking tomorrow. Just kidding, Mom.

Also, on my flight home, I sat next to a nice girl (lady? woman?) who is also from Austin and has lived in NYC for almost 15 years. She is my new role model. Kidding, sort of. Also her name is Mimosa. Badass.

Who knows how long I'll stay in Manhattan, but I will be here for at least another year now that The BFF and I have officially started our apartment hunt. One month to find something. Moving in the city is quite possibly the most stressful undertaking imaginable, but hopefully we will a) find something perfect, b) not kill each other, c) not be homeless.

Cross your fingers! And now that I'm back, I promise I will entertain you with tons of really great stories, or something.

Speaking of Weddings

A fellow Vows reading friend, who has had a slow day at work (duh, week of Christmas!) made me laugh out loud earlier with this gchat convo:

L: so because my boss got engaged and because i have nothing to do and because i have CGS
i just made a wedding invite list

me: HAHHAHAHA
how many people?

L: and with just the people i HAVE to invite
its like 100
just me, no groom's side
i never thought i'd have a big wedding
ooops
looks like i was wrong

time elapsed...

L: just remembered some people now im up to 120
and thats not including dates

me: ugh

L: like i need to be careful about making friends in the future
everyone i meet is just a dollar sign

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA.

Also, she would like for me to mention she is not engaged. Every girl ever really is crazy. Even the cool ones like L and me aren't exceptions. Sigh.

My Secret Sunday Ritual

I have a secret confession. Well, apparently I have a lot of secret confessions. Like how I just admitted to having eaten an entire plate of cookies solo. In one day. Fml.

This other secret confession might be more embarrassing, though, but I find comfort that I'm not alone. I have gotten confirmation from at least a few other friends who do it too.

What is it we're doing? Reading the New York Times' Vows section. Every week.

Each Sunday I look forward to finding out how the feature story couple met and how their relationship turned into The One. As I've mentioned before, marriage as far as I'm concerned is still a fairly foreign concept.  These stories - modern day romances, most without the fairy tale trimmings - help me have a more realistic understanding about finding love. Especially in the city.

The majority of the feature stories present the obstacles, the extended timelines and the exhausting effort necessary to make these relationships work. While the couple has finally reached the destination together, most stories document the real-world work needed for this conclusion. This week's was no exception.

In addition to the feature story, sometimes you'll find celebrity nuptials, hilariously self-important fodder for Gawker's Altarcations - a face-off to score the Sunday Nuptial winner - as well as occasional stories that just make you say "Awwww."

Or be jealous, in the case of a couple from this week's edition, who are both Production Assistants working in New York and had Will Ferrell make a cameo in their photo. And in their video.

So next Sunday, when you're dreading going to work on Monday and feeling sorry about your own love life, check out the Vows section. I promise I won't tell anyone.

Some Holiday Relationship Insight a la Kelly Kapoor

The Office's Kelly Kapoor is more boy-crazy than me. She's also funnier. Here's a cute essay Mindy Kaling (who is also an exec. producer of the show!) wrote for the New York Times about 'tricking' people into thinking she's adult enough to be a wife and mother.

Scripting a Fantasy of a Family Sign in to Recommend
By Mindy Kaling

Last year, toward the end of December, I was meeting my writing partner at the hotel lobby in Santa Monica where we always work. On the way out, there was a short wait while the valet got my car.

“Big plans for the holidays?” the parking attendant asked me.

“Not too much,” I replied. “Just spending time with the family.”

“Husband and kids will keep you busy,” he said.

“Yep,” I smiled, getting into my Mini Cooper.

Driving off, I felt nervous and giddy, as if I had gotten away with something. I don’t have a family where I have a husband and children. I had meant my family of my parents and older brother. It made me feel a tinge of excitement that someone would actually think of me as a grown-up like that. Even though I was the right age for it, I still felt like what I imagine the protagonist does in one of those “Big” or “13 Going on 30” body-swapping movies.

Who were these people in my parking attendant’s mind? This family wherein I, Mindy Kaling, was the mother and wife? I wanted to turn around and ask him more about what he saw, as if he were a fortuneteller. Who was he picturing as my husband? Was it my boyfriend at the time? Or someone else?

Of course, since I was little, I’ve pictured countless different versions of that family. The weirdest things will make me dream up an entirely new version. When I’m watching television and I see an ad for a hotel chain where “kids eat free.” Photo frames that have a fake picture of a family inside them already. Driving by Sizzler.

This time, the family that I assumed the parking attendant was referring to included a dark-haired agnostic architect husband named Alex who liked ethnic food and zombie movies. (For the record, Alex is a product of my imagination. I realize that no real people are actually architects, and that it is a profession that exists entirely in movies, like art gallery owner or children’s bookshop proprietor.)

Anyway, back to Alex. He was ethereal and dressed terribly because he didn’t care about clothes, but I kind of liked that about him. He did little things that drove me crazy like leaving his suitcase in the middle of the room when he returned from a business trip, an idiosyncrasy I once heard Michelle Obama attribute to her husband.

Alex and I lived in Hancock Park — a hip Los Angeles neighborhood — and I loved him so much that I was in a perpetual state of grinning. The kids were, I don’t know, kids. Really cute, etc. I have less experience with cute kids than I do with cute guys, so I’m not able to describe them as well, but trust me — super cute.

The problem with being a writer of romance and romantic situations is that my capacity for creating and believing in fantasy is huge. Nothing can ever be as amazing as Harry & Sally or, in my book, Joe Fox & Kathleen Kelly from the movie “You’ve Got Mail.”

When I started remembering that this fake family was fake, I started missing them. By the Centinela exit on I-10, I had depressed myself, and nothing had even really happened. Oldie Christmas music was playing on the radio, which made me feel even sadder, and I started to cry. While crying and driving, I consoled myself by thinking that this was probably pretty damn cinematic. I felt certain I must look like a cool underdog from a romantic comedy whom everyone wants to see succeed, which then, actually, inadvertently cheered me up.

The other thing that cheered me up is that the family I was thinking of when I said “Yep” is a pretty awesome family. My mom is a surgeon with an Indian accent who thinks she’s Jerry Seinfeld. My dad wakes us up at 8 a.m. on vacations and plans hikes that sound tiring but turn out to be really fun (and he also thinks my mom is Jerry Seinfeld). My brother is a business school student who takes the time to teach us to do things like video chat.

I have fun adventures with them. We went to Buenos Aires and Iguaçú Falls together last year, and it was one of my favorite experiences. They come to visit me in Los Angeles and we drive down Sunset all the way to the beach so my dad can look at mansions. I love the family that I’ve always had. It is cozy, warm, safe, corny; a PG movie I love, like “Elf.”

So I wondered why I didn’t correct him. Well, one reason, obviously, is that this busy parking attendant is a random polite guy making small talk. And another is that what he proposed was exciting, and sent my mind in a direction I wanted to live in for a while.

Do I want to be the child in my current family, or the parent/wife/grown-up of some other one? The first seems real and comfortable. The second seemed like a silly bit of mischief, a game of pretend, even though I have a sense it might be just around the corner.

I hope my future family always feels like this. Like I got away with a little lie, but with accomplices. “Oh, this is just the cute boy I married and the crazy kids I have, can you believe it? I can’t.”

Is it just me, or is this totally relatable? We're both on the fence about being adults, about growing and transitioning into actual people. I can't picture it either.

Also, for some great entertainment, here's an Office webisode gem featuring Kelly & Erin's faux-girl group Subtle Sexuality:

The Best Gift (And 10 Extra Lbs Gained) Ever

On Seinfeld, everyone knows the "code" to Elaine's vault of secrets is Schnapps. Just like everyone knows the way to my heart is food. And also puppies.

Anyway, this weekend J and I exchanged presents, a little Chrismukkah celebration if you will.

In the tradition of me giving him semi-selfish gifts (last year I got him Netflix, which he deemed "the best gift ever" seeing as how he loves movies...it was really more of just a gift that just made perfect sense) I got the two of us massages - no not couples massages - we can just go at the same time if we want. I also got him a super cute knitted hat with faux fur lining and ear flaps - at least accessories like this make winter seem more tolerable - an "old man" cardigan, and a lobster bottle-opener (duh).

What did he get me?

A box full of my FAVORITE Texas barbecue - Salt Lick - that "feeds 8." The same bbq I made my guy BFF slash Fake Husband venture with me to gorge on while I was home for Labor Day and mentioned here.

The bbq really has been the gift that keeps on giving. We shared it on Friday, I had some on Saturday [Note: A plate of sausage does not make for a good pre-workout snack, FYI], then we shared it with some equally-bbq-fanatical friends that night.

After meal #5 just now, J might have officially set the "Food is Love" bar so high it's impossible to beat.

So if you want to earn my love, go with puppies. Just throwing that out there.

Okay now please excuse me while I go pass out in a food coma again.

How to Know if He's Taken: Dog Edition

There are approximately one billion men in this city, but how do you know if the hottie you're staring down is single? Wedding ring, duh. But NOT fail-proof. What if he's wearing gloves?? What if he's engaged - there's no male engagement bling equivalent to ward you off. Or what if he's just plain ol' IAR? No way to tell. Or is there?

When you don't have an obvious indicator, it's hard to know for sure if he's actually checking you out, or - if you're the one checking him out - if it's worth your time.

So I've developed a few theories, one of which is:

How to tell a guy's relationship status by his dog

• Miniature anything, especially of the white and/or fluffy variety: Don't waste your time. He is either: a) in a relationship with a girl who made him buy a dainty ball of fluff; b) he broke up with a girl who made him buy a dainty ball of fluff and, let's be honest, now probably has some emotional baggage in addition to the physical baggage in the form of the aforementioned dainty ball of fluff; c) he's gay.

• Big, rugged dog: Maybe. I love, love, love big dogs, but would not, under almost any circumstance, have one in the city. Why? Because dogs are very stubborn! I can't tell you how many times I've hilariously laughed at someone prodding their dog whose unrelenting obstinate nature has decided he’s over walking and would prefer to nap on the sidewalk. So funny (since it's not my problem)! If I can't pick up a dog to move it, then I can't have it. But obviously most guys wouldn't necessarily think of that being an issue. They'd say, OMG I LOVE LABS, THAT'S WHAT I'M GETTING! But a guy with a GF would probably "decide" to get a smaller dog... so guy with big dog, maybe single! But maybe not the best when it comes to thinking ahead...

• Dog wearing any article of clothing: See the first bullet.

Okay obviously I really only have one actual observation that has any credibility, e.g. guys walking totally girly dogs aren't worth your time, so the truth is I just wanted to attach a ton of doggie pictures. Because I love to torture myself with things I can't have. Wah wah.

Also, in case Santa is curious, any of the following are acceptable Christmas gifts:

The Lobster Failed

Dear loyal readers -

I have let (all four of) you down. I've been to focused on my own life and the lives of celebrities that I forgot one of my most important journalistic duties: Reporting on sea creature current events. And it seems some important news has transpired. Fail.

According to reputable animal news source National Geographic, global warming might be "supersizing" CRUSTACEANS. Seriously. According to a new study, more acidic oceans - a consequence of rising atmospheric carbon dioxide (CO2) levels - can produce jumbo-size shelled marine species, including lobsters, crabs, and shrimp." However, it's unknown whether the "animals' body mass also gets beefier along with their shells." Fingers.crossed.

I'm not sure if this is totally awesome, or kind of frightening, but either way, it makes me a little hungry. RL, anyone?

And to prove I'm serious about lobsters, I leave you with this awkward solo shot. And, yes, that is a lobster puppet I was gifted. Perfect.

My friend Lauren's FB comment on this pic, regarding my lobster bday paraphernalia:

"Rachel is like that person who used to like unicorns when she was a child, and as a grown-up adult still continues to get uniform themed gifts every holiday... only her obsession flourished way after childhood."

Just (Don't) Do It

Tiger drama hasn't gone away since I wrote about it here, and now it looks like Elin is done.

I'll be honest, I'm over it too. We get it - everyone is a big slut. Men, women, celebrities, regular people.

But the question that seems to be coming to light from all this is -

WHY DID HE GET MARRIED IN THE FIRST PLACE???

Marriage is a commitment AND - due to politics - A PRIVILEGE.

(Now, I'm not going to get all raged up about our society again (once is enough this week, I think), and I have plenty of thoughts regarding the same-sex marriage debate, but I will say one thing: When celebrities are allowed to get married on a whim (hello, Khloe Kardashian and her one month courtship/race to the alter with bball player Lamar Odom) and then later divorced (pretty much every celeb couple ever), IMO that pretty much destroys the sanctity of marriage we're allegedly preserving by not letting gay couples get married. So unless Cali and New York want to ban that too, we're all just a bunch of hypocrites.)

Back to Tiger...J sent me an article earlier from the WashPo quoting Redskins RB Clinton Portis who made a similar point to what The BFF and I discussed last night - if the "perks of your celebrity status" aren't out of your system - if you're not going to be content being faithful - then Just (don't) Do It! No one put a gun to your head to MAKE you marry a smokin' hot Swedish model.

Yes, there will always be temptations, and had this been a one-off incident, maybe Elin would be more willing to forgive his indiscretions. But 14+ *alleged* temptations you just couldn't turn down, Tiger? I mean, I get that when you have a rare opportunity to hook-up with a more-plastic-than-real reality star contestant turned hooker, you just can't turn that down...

Oh wait, no I don't get that...you're just a man-whore.

End point: Don't get married. Spare the Future-Mrs.-Cheated-On. Spare your children. Spare your bank account that's going to be hit hard by your lost endorsement deals and how much you owe her.

And please, for the love of God, don't pull an A-Rod and run post-divorce into the crazy-scary arms of Madonna.

MOJB

Discussing my new "IAR" (in a relationship) status with a friend, she asked whether or not the blog was going to change too. The answer, who knows. I've always loved to talk about "boys" - I guess they're "guys" now? - whether or not I'm single. Plus perhaps now I will divulge less awkward/embarrassing stuff about my own personal life?

Doubtful.

Anyway, she also said I needed a codename for J. I explained that Pinch Hitter or any other lobster-related names got a little old after typing them more than a few times, so I was going with "J".

Clearly not clever enough for her, she suggested MOJB.

MOJB?

My older, Jewish boyfriend.

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA.

I Told You 500 Days of Summer Was Great!!

Ol' Golden Globe (the other GG) nominations were released yesterday, and the adorable cupcake Joseph Gordon-Levitt was nominated for one of my fav movies this year (as was the film itself)!

If you haven't seen it, you should. I heart it.

Also, The BFF and I had a WTF moment when we learned Sandra Bullock was nominated for The Proposal. Now, I didn't see the movie - and I don't hate her (she's got an Austin restaurant "Bess") - and I think Ryan Reynolds is great (read: hot). But seriously?? From what I heard from my cinematic snob of a grandmother - the most awesome kind of grandma who owns Wedding Crashers and took me to see Bad Santa - The Proposal "wasn't horrible" and Sandra "wasn't that annoying."

But does "wasn't horrible and that annoying" warrant a major award? Hmmm... in'neresting call, Hollywood Foreign Press Association...

P dot S, speaking of Dolo (my grandma, yes we call her by her first name, I don't know why, it's just what we do), she sees all the major Oscar award nominated movies. So if 500 Days is nominated (as GG's are usually the precursor), you're welcome, Dolo, for me making you see it the last time I was in Austin - there's one thing you can cross off your list.

Hooray for being home this time next week!!

playing dress up with her YSL lipstick because I'm seven.

Seriously, Tiger!?

Dear Tiger,

Up until last week, your reputation has been spotless. Now you have fallen to the level of other mortals due to your indiscretions. Nobody is perfect, so the fact that your squeaky-clean image has been tarnished is not the issue. Cheating is to professional athletes as being a giant dbag is to John Mayer. It is (sadly) common and expected.

But the two "WTF were you thinking??" points I want to make are:

1) Have you seen your wife? Not that I condone cheating if your wife is fugly, but OMG!?!? She might be one of the hottest women ever. You cannot do better than her. I get that people cheat for a lot of reasons, but I really don't think any of the reasons could possibly measure up to the hottness of your wife. Especially the ones you picked up in Vegas. You are a fool. But, you seem to have realized that and are willing to pay up (monetarily and emotionally) to make it work. Good for you.

2) One of the skanks who has come out with allegations (and texts, voicemails and detailed accounts) is referred to as "a former contestant on Tool Academy." YOU ARE BETTER THAN THAT.

Note to all celebrities committing adultery: TRY AND CHOOSE SOMEONE WHOSE MOST NOTABLE RESUME REFERENCE IS NOT A TRASHY VH1 RELATY SHOW WITH TOOL IN THE TITLE.

So what should Tiger do now? According to Gawker, he should play some golf.

"Your job is simple. Just be Tiger Woods. That means, continue being the most robotic, uninteresting sports megastar of our time. You, sir, are a cipher. Fans and sponsors love you for it, because they can project whatever image they want upon you, and your inscrutable, uninteresting being simply swallows it up.

Golf is the most uninteresting spectator sport in the world. Golf fans are not moralists. They are people who believe that golf shirts in various shades of coral are acceptable outerwear. They are the bland upper crust of Middle America. That, and rich assholes who love to cheat on their wives. Neither of these groups of golf fans cares one bit about your marital infidelity, Tiger. Nor do your sponsors. What they do care about is being forced to think about something other than golf."



Update: Too good not to share. My mom's opinion on Tiger:

Do you find it ironic that golf is a game where integrity of not moving the ball and cheating is sooooooooooooo important?? and the fact he is such a competitor, but slutting around with cocktail waitresses...how hard are THEY to pick up? He could at least try for a nun or something if he wanted to challenge himself!!