Seriously, Tiger!?

Dear Tiger,

Up until last week, your reputation has been spotless. Now you have fallen to the level of other mortals due to your indiscretions. Nobody is perfect, so the fact that your squeaky-clean image has been tarnished is not the issue. Cheating is to professional athletes as being a giant dbag is to John Mayer. It is (sadly) common and expected.

But the two "WTF were you thinking??" points I want to make are:

1) Have you seen your wife? Not that I condone cheating if your wife is fugly, but OMG!?!? She might be one of the hottest women ever. You cannot do better than her. I get that people cheat for a lot of reasons, but I really don't think any of the reasons could possibly measure up to the hottness of your wife. Especially the ones you picked up in Vegas. You are a fool. But, you seem to have realized that and are willing to pay up (monetarily and emotionally) to make it work. Good for you.

2) One of the skanks who has come out with allegations (and texts, voicemails and detailed accounts) is referred to as "a former contestant on Tool Academy." YOU ARE BETTER THAN THAT.

Note to all celebrities committing adultery: TRY AND CHOOSE SOMEONE WHOSE MOST NOTABLE RESUME REFERENCE IS NOT A TRASHY VH1 RELATY SHOW WITH TOOL IN THE TITLE.

So what should Tiger do now? According to Gawker, he should play some golf.

"Your job is simple. Just be Tiger Woods. That means, continue being the most robotic, uninteresting sports megastar of our time. You, sir, are a cipher. Fans and sponsors love you for it, because they can project whatever image they want upon you, and your inscrutable, uninteresting being simply swallows it up.

Golf is the most uninteresting spectator sport in the world. Golf fans are not moralists. They are people who believe that golf shirts in various shades of coral are acceptable outerwear. They are the bland upper crust of Middle America. That, and rich assholes who love to cheat on their wives. Neither of these groups of golf fans cares one bit about your marital infidelity, Tiger. Nor do your sponsors. What they do care about is being forced to think about something other than golf."



Update: Too good not to share. My mom's opinion on Tiger:

Do you find it ironic that golf is a game where integrity of not moving the ball and cheating is sooooooooooooo important?? and the fact he is such a competitor, but slutting around with cocktail waitresses...how hard are THEY to pick up? He could at least try for a nun or something if he wanted to challenge himself!!

Match.Mom Part II

So after years of proactively trying to find me some good catches, my mom has finally found the key to fixing me up – Facebook photos and long-lost friends.

Way more interactive than her showing me friends’ sons’ pictures on Christmas cards like she used to ...“Wow, so and so’s son got really cute this year”...What a good family holiday tradition.

At first I was wary of a bunch of middle-aged parents allowed to have access to such stalker-enabling technology but I’ve changed my mind thanks to this little FB message sent to me the other day:

“See below [a message sent from a woman she hasn't seen in 40 years mentioning her son could be a potential love match for me], her son is an orthopedic surgeon! Finishing up his residency :) match.mom! want me to download his pic to send you?”

Of course before I had a chance to respond she had already sent me a picture, stolen from his mother’s photos. [Note: Stalking is genetic – is it any surprise I am the way I am?]

With this service it’s like I don’t even need to TRY and date in person anymore! And, unlike the actual match.com, I don’t have to pay a subscription fee - I asked! Best of both worlds seeing as how I’m fairly lazy and cheap.

Unfortunately aforementioned doctor has a few more years in Houston, and well, you know, I live in New York… We’ll put this one on the back burner (his picture was fairly cute).

Match.Mom – Why There’s a Chance I Could End Up with an Arranged Marriage

A recap of my life growing up:
Mom: Rachel, that guy over there is really cute, let’s go talk to him.
Me: No, Mom, I don’t want you to be my wingman.

Fast forward to present day:

My parents just came to visit me in New York, and we had a fantastic time. One of my mom’s favorite activities while she was here was playing a little game called, “Hey Rachel, that guy is checking you out.”

Being slightly oblivious/ambivalent, I don’t typically pick up on that all the time on my own - but luckily Mom was here to do it for me! Awkward.

Now that she’s back in Austin, I guess we can continue with our typical guy-related conversations that go a little something exactly like this:

Me: I met a cute guy last night.
Mom: How tall is he?
Mom: How does he feel about moving to Austin?
Me: I don't even know his last name, so somehow his height and future living preferences didn't come up...

or

Mom: Hey my friend has a cute, tall son.
Me: Does he live in Texas?
Mom: Yes
Me: That does me no good...but thanks?
Mom: I'm just letting you know.

Are we starting to sense a pattern here?

Thinking that maybe it was just her, a new gem was added to the mix when one of HER friends PUBLICLY stated on Facebook that she would fix me up with her son after looking at our NYC photos.

My mom's response? “Send his info to Match.MOM.”

This is my life.