Professionally speaking, I work in communications, and since that is the realm where my alleged expertise resides, it is sad when I am reminded of how shitty I can be at my own personal communications. Anyway, a few things I’ve learned from work can perhaps translate over. Or maybe I’m just recycling bullshit because I can’t think of anything else to blog about. Whatever.
The basic outline of a communications plan is clearly not rocket science, but does contain of a few important factors to keep in mind nonetheless:
• Develop your objects: Think long and hard about what you want. Are you looking for The One? Or are you looking for The One to Take You Out to Dinner Next Thursday?
• Know your target audience: If your objective is to find a boyfriend, then maybe going after a giant womanizing Norwegian is not be your best bet. Look for someone who is giving you signals that he is available and interested in monogamy. From what I’ve seen out there, most guys in the city put finding a relationship fairly low on the priority list so don’t get your feelings hurt if he doesn’t feel the same way. Find an audience that is open to the idea of settling down. I thought I was really smart by going after the early 30s crowd, but have found that I might have actually be targeting the Serial Bachelor crowd. Damn. At least I know what I want, though.
However, if you’re objective is just to find a hot guy to take you to dinner you’re in luck - the city is full of prospects - and you should be able to snag one without too much communications’ effort. Just go to MPD and look pretty.
• Create key messages: Chances are if a guy is hitting on you he already thinks you’re hot. Give him another reason to call you (e.g. that you’re fascinating). There are a million dateable girls in this city – show him you’re special. Think about the things you like most about yourself that you want other people to appreciate too. Maybe you have an interesting hobby (researching giant squid) and you can teach a guy some interesting information about it (like how they have the biggest eyes of any creature!). Or maybe pick something less weird, it’s up to you.
[Note: As you can probably tell, one of my other personal strategies is to be as awkward as humanly possible upfront. While you may think it’s a terrible idea on the first date to tell the story about eating so much at Red Lobster that you vomited on a tree, I think it’s a good plan. After that, you can go nowhere but up.]
• Determine the best channels to reach your target: Figure out the most effective means to keep in contact with your new interest. Texting is standard, but try and open up another line of communication as well. Maybe it’s emailing, Facebook messaging or gchatting. Whatever it is, it will help things progress. Plus if you’re emailing then you can send him a hilarious someecard, one of my fav things ever, as a way to say gracias for taking you out.
• Measure impact: After a few weeks/months reevaluate your methods and see what happened, what worked, what didn’t. Learn from it and tweak your strategy if need be. Eventually things will come together.
Trust me, if Corporate America can manage effective communications plans to reach their goals, you can too.
It’s the business of dating.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Thursday, August 27, 2009
This Is Why You’re Crazy
Have you ever seen the food porn blog This is Why You’re Fat? It’s basically a token to why Americans have serious food issues. Yes, if you deep fry a Big Mac and stuff it with Oreos chances are obesity might come knocking on your door. I will be honest, due to my genetic fatass-ness, I’m not allowed to look at this site because it makes me hungry and curious.
Anyway, in the same vein, I’ve decided I’m going to start a list called “This is Why You’re Crazy.”
I will go ahead and take full responsibility for 50% of my craziness – and general girl craziness – right off the bat. Excuses can range from our personal insecurities getting the best of us (e.g. the time I hysterically/drunkenly/very publicly tried to break up with my college boyfriend because I thought he was hitting on my cute friend - totally my bad - I was out of line) or the guy-hating excuse of hormones (they are real - and they make some girls real crazy). Yes, sometimes we are our own worst enemies.
But there are times when it is totally the guy’s fault, and yet he doesn’t get why you’re pissed. Or why you act THAT way. Or why you’re still pursuing him although he sent you a mental “this is over” memo which apparently got lost in your junk mail.
To paint a better picture, here are a few examples. Please feel free to send me classics for the next edition.
• He tells you he’s not dating anyone else and how much he likes you, only to disappear off the face of the Earth never to be heard from again
• After you purchase him a Valentine’s Day gift, he asks the cashier to hand him the change
• He strings you along for a year telling you he doesn’t want a girlfriend but if he did, it would totally be you, only to go out and jump into a relationship with some grotsky biatch
• He breaks up with you and then asks if you can get him a job at your company, totally oblivious about how that might be an awkward situation for you
• He goes out and finds a new girlfriend a month after your multi-year relationship ends, you know, the one you thought was really mutually meaningful
• He ends things with you the day after he returns from an extended period apart where you had spent the entire time devotedly missing him
• He convinces you you’re his soul mate only for him to dump you a week later
• Any sort of cheating, particularly with someone you know
• He tells you he USED to have a really big thing for you but now he’s over it
If you allow yourself to gorge on heaping piles of saturated fat, you will get fat. If you get treated like shit, you will get crazy.
[I know it's wrong, but these look so appetizing...Must stop looking at site NOW.]
Start to learn who will be the equivalent to that double-decker, deep-fried pizza burrito slathered in queso and resist the urge to indulge.
Anyway, in the same vein, I’ve decided I’m going to start a list called “This is Why You’re Crazy.”
I will go ahead and take full responsibility for 50% of my craziness – and general girl craziness – right off the bat. Excuses can range from our personal insecurities getting the best of us (e.g. the time I hysterically/drunkenly/very publicly tried to break up with my college boyfriend because I thought he was hitting on my cute friend - totally my bad - I was out of line) or the guy-hating excuse of hormones (they are real - and they make some girls real crazy). Yes, sometimes we are our own worst enemies.
But there are times when it is totally the guy’s fault, and yet he doesn’t get why you’re pissed. Or why you act THAT way. Or why you’re still pursuing him although he sent you a mental “this is over” memo which apparently got lost in your junk mail.
To paint a better picture, here are a few examples. Please feel free to send me classics for the next edition.
• He tells you he’s not dating anyone else and how much he likes you, only to disappear off the face of the Earth never to be heard from again
• After you purchase him a Valentine’s Day gift, he asks the cashier to hand him the change
• He strings you along for a year telling you he doesn’t want a girlfriend but if he did, it would totally be you, only to go out and jump into a relationship with some grotsky biatch
• He breaks up with you and then asks if you can get him a job at your company, totally oblivious about how that might be an awkward situation for you
• He goes out and finds a new girlfriend a month after your multi-year relationship ends, you know, the one you thought was really mutually meaningful
• He ends things with you the day after he returns from an extended period apart where you had spent the entire time devotedly missing him
• He convinces you you’re his soul mate only for him to dump you a week later
• Any sort of cheating, particularly with someone you know
• He tells you he USED to have a really big thing for you but now he’s over it
If you allow yourself to gorge on heaping piles of saturated fat, you will get fat. If you get treated like shit, you will get crazy.
[I know it's wrong, but these look so appetizing...Must stop looking at site NOW.]
Start to learn who will be the equivalent to that double-decker, deep-fried pizza burrito slathered in queso and resist the urge to indulge.
'You Are Pretty Funny for 24'
- a patronizing text from FH 2.0, who is quickly headed down the path to Closed Fileville. Tis a shame seeing as how he was the only one left on the roster from MPD (my perfect demographic), who I coincidentally met in MPD (Meatpacking District).
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Knowing When to Close the File [Guest Post by Meg MacDougal]
[Editor's Note: Once upon a time I was Editor-in-Chief of the yearbook. It ruled. Clearly I love to be in charge (because I'm bossy). Anyway, since I have friends who are equally if not more entertaining than (I think) I am, my goal is to incorporate their hilarious dating insight into this blog. Please feel free to email me if you have something to share ... PS I get full editorial approval and you have to call me The Editor.]
Meg MacDougal:
Many times, you know right away that it’s time to close the file. And in some cases, you don’t even have to go through the trouble of creating a file at all.
Case in point: The guy that inappropriately propositioned me via work VM (voice mail) after getting my business card at a semi-work-related event (which is probably a story for another time …).
In other cases, it’s not so cut and dry – if only “he’s just not that into you” was as easy to decipher as the author of that damn book (and Justin Long) would have you believe. As per “Dating on the MTA Timetable,” there are often other factors at play.
So when do you chalk it up to a loss and move on? When do you give up on something that could potentially turn out to be a successful relationship? It’s hard to say, because, as clearly evidenced throughout Rachel’s astute musings, finding a worthy candidate in this zoo of a city often proves near impossible.
So it’s understandable that when a true potential comes along, the desire to hold on for dear life inevitably manifests itself in record time. Watch out, as this enthusiasm (while well-meant, perhaps) generally starts to morph into a full-blown case of CGS pretty quickly.
Next question: so how do you cure (or even avoid) said case of CGS? Learn when to go ahead and wield the “Closed-File” stamp. Easier said than done (sounds like I’m speaking from experience here?).
If lining up initial dates is the equivalent of pulling teeth, maybe that should be taken as foreshadowing for the entire relationship. I may or may not have an open file that’s ripe for closing – If only I could heed my own advice …
Meg MacDougal:
Many times, you know right away that it’s time to close the file. And in some cases, you don’t even have to go through the trouble of creating a file at all.
Case in point: The guy that inappropriately propositioned me via work VM (voice mail) after getting my business card at a semi-work-related event (which is probably a story for another time …).
In other cases, it’s not so cut and dry – if only “he’s just not that into you” was as easy to decipher as the author of that damn book (and Justin Long) would have you believe. As per “Dating on the MTA Timetable,” there are often other factors at play.
So when do you chalk it up to a loss and move on? When do you give up on something that could potentially turn out to be a successful relationship? It’s hard to say, because, as clearly evidenced throughout Rachel’s astute musings, finding a worthy candidate in this zoo of a city often proves near impossible.
So it’s understandable that when a true potential comes along, the desire to hold on for dear life inevitably manifests itself in record time. Watch out, as this enthusiasm (while well-meant, perhaps) generally starts to morph into a full-blown case of CGS pretty quickly.
Next question: so how do you cure (or even avoid) said case of CGS? Learn when to go ahead and wield the “Closed-File” stamp. Easier said than done (sounds like I’m speaking from experience here?).
If lining up initial dates is the equivalent of pulling teeth, maybe that should be taken as foreshadowing for the entire relationship. I may or may not have an open file that’s ripe for closing – If only I could heed my own advice …
Monday, August 24, 2009
Dating on the MTA Time Table
Timing is half the battle. I constantly listen to friends (and myself) complain about meeting great guys only to have both people be consistently booked up so there is no opportune time for schedules to overlap.
The end of the summer is busy for everyone. Money is tight. You’re lazy. You have better things to do. You have different priorities. Things keep getting pushed back.
Dates get relegated to weeks in advance only to get re-scheduled further into the future. Even if things do work out to meet up occasionally, it’s so sporadic that nothing ever really gels. There is no forward momentum.
Eventually it turns into a hassle. Negotiations stall. Things between you either get relegated to the Closed file, or maybe in the queue of random off-hand texting with no expectation that any plans will ever materialize.
I am a planner so this purgatory.
Does this sound familiar? It’s a little like reading about the long-suffering problems of the MTA. For those of you who are not familiar with the bureaucratic agony that is the Metropolitan Transit Authority, it is the most poorly and inefficiently run organization in the history of the world.
It has plenty of problems, just like dating in the city.
So I ask - what is a harder task to accomplish in Manhattan - completing a new subway line or finding a boyfriend?
It’s a toss up.
I’m pretty sure I’m on track to find a serious relationship about the time the long-awaited 2nd Avenue subway line opens up.
The line, which was first mentioned in 1920, is promised soon!
2015. Excellent news indeed...
The end of the summer is busy for everyone. Money is tight. You’re lazy. You have better things to do. You have different priorities. Things keep getting pushed back.
Dates get relegated to weeks in advance only to get re-scheduled further into the future. Even if things do work out to meet up occasionally, it’s so sporadic that nothing ever really gels. There is no forward momentum.
Eventually it turns into a hassle. Negotiations stall. Things between you either get relegated to the Closed file, or maybe in the queue of random off-hand texting with no expectation that any plans will ever materialize.
I am a planner so this purgatory.
Does this sound familiar? It’s a little like reading about the long-suffering problems of the MTA. For those of you who are not familiar with the bureaucratic agony that is the Metropolitan Transit Authority, it is the most poorly and inefficiently run organization in the history of the world.
It has plenty of problems, just like dating in the city.
So I ask - what is a harder task to accomplish in Manhattan - completing a new subway line or finding a boyfriend?
It’s a toss up.
I’m pretty sure I’m on track to find a serious relationship about the time the long-awaited 2nd Avenue subway line opens up.
The line, which was first mentioned in 1920, is promised soon!
2015. Excellent news indeed...
Friday, August 21, 2009
401(cougar) – Planning for My Future
I’ve really embraced the cougar trend for awhile now. I mean, look at the long accepted tendency for successful, older men to find companionship with hot, young wives/girlfriends. There’s something to it.
So I’ve decided that if I end up single and middle-aged, hell yes I’m going to be a cougar.
Since I’ve made this commitment to my future, I want to be ready for it. I’m officially a Cougar-in-Training. Might as well explore the terrain a little, see how it goes, get a leg up on my cougar competition - it is fairly trendy after all - the market’s going to be saturated by the time my age group is in our cougar prime.
While people may give me a hard time for attempting this training at the premature-cougar age of 24, I think it’s a fine idea. Obviously you have to take into account that the typical 10+ years cougar ratio won’t be kosher, but if we’re just judging by younger men, I have a plenty of eligible guys, cougar bait if you will, out there waiting for me. NYU is just a few blocks away. Roar.
It’s not just about practice, though. Quality cougar bait does not come cheap. Do you think Madonna landed that hot young Brazilian boy-toy because of her weird faux-British personality and scary arm muscles? No. It is in fact all about the Benjamins.
So since I most likely will not be an international pop icon in my 50s, I think I should probably set up my cougar fund soon, something with a good interest rate. I learned in by business foundations finance class that it’s all about the compound interest built over many years. Good thing I’m putting my college degree to work.
A 401(k)? No. A 401(cougar) is what I need. I wonder if I could get a corporate match?
PS My middle school mascot was the cougar, how fortuitous.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Match.Mom Part II
So after years of proactively trying to find me some good catches, my mom has finally found the key to fixing me up – Facebook photos and long-lost friends.
Way more interactive than her showing me friends’ sons’ pictures on Christmas cards like she used to ...“Wow, so and so’s son got really cute this year”...What a good family holiday tradition.
At first I was wary of a bunch of middle-aged parents allowed to have access to such stalker-enabling technology but I’ve changed my mind thanks to this little FB message sent to me the other day:
“See below [a message sent from a woman she hasn't seen in 40 years mentioning her son could be a potential love match for me], her son is an orthopedic surgeon! Finishing up his residency :) match.mom! want me to download his pic to send you?”
Of course before I had a chance to respond she had already sent me a picture, stolen from his mother’s photos. [Note: Stalking is genetic – is it any surprise I am the way I am?]
With this service it’s like I don’t even need to TRY and date in person anymore! And, unlike the actual match.com, I don’t have to pay a subscription fee - I asked! Best of both worlds seeing as how I’m fairly lazy and cheap.
Unfortunately aforementioned doctor has a few more years in Houston, and well, you know, I live in New York… We’ll put this one on the back burner (his picture was fairly cute).
Way more interactive than her showing me friends’ sons’ pictures on Christmas cards like she used to ...“Wow, so and so’s son got really cute this year”...What a good family holiday tradition.
At first I was wary of a bunch of middle-aged parents allowed to have access to such stalker-enabling technology but I’ve changed my mind thanks to this little FB message sent to me the other day:
“See below [a message sent from a woman she hasn't seen in 40 years mentioning her son could be a potential love match for me], her son is an orthopedic surgeon! Finishing up his residency :) match.mom! want me to download his pic to send you?”
Of course before I had a chance to respond she had already sent me a picture, stolen from his mother’s photos. [Note: Stalking is genetic – is it any surprise I am the way I am?]
With this service it’s like I don’t even need to TRY and date in person anymore! And, unlike the actual match.com, I don’t have to pay a subscription fee - I asked! Best of both worlds seeing as how I’m fairly lazy and cheap.
Unfortunately aforementioned doctor has a few more years in Houston, and well, you know, I live in New York… We’ll put this one on the back burner (his picture was fairly cute).
Happy Birthday to the BFF
Ahhh seems just like yesterday we were in middle school obsessing over 8th grade boys that did not know we were alive. Really glad we've outgrown those awkward stages...err...anyway, happy birthday! xoxo
Update: ForeignJO
Ding ding ding! We have a womanizer. Although he has been in the states longer than three years, he definitely fits the classic foreign womanizer mold.
But you know, there was really no way he could not be since he’s a 6’4” Abercrombie model-built, former MIT football player (apparently that exists), smart/successful, Mercedes SL500 convertible-driving FJO. It’s just not his fault.
But you know, there was really no way he could not be since he’s a 6’4” Abercrombie model-built, former MIT football player (apparently that exists), smart/successful, Mercedes SL500 convertible-driving FJO. It’s just not his fault.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Guy-Hot vs. Girl-Hot
A few friends and I recently got on the subject of male and female’s differing opinions of attractiveness. You know, you have a friend who you think is super cute, but then you make the comment to a guy only for him to give you a “Are you serious?” look. And then he goes and hits on some but-her-face girl. BUT WHY? It’s so weird!
Girl-hot appreciates a level of distinct beauty that can go misunderstood by some guys. On the Beauty Appreciation Spectrum, girls seem to recognize a wider range of looks while guys tend to lean one way or another – exotic, classic, somewhere in the middle – so maybe whoever you point out just isn’t his type, or maybe he’s just a blind idiot.
One thing guys seem to have a universal appreciation for: bimbos. Shocking.
In addition to physical characteristics, outfits are another sticking point for clash of the sexes. It seems plenty of girls are wasting there time trying to impress guys with their outfits - for nothing.
The majority of those fashion-forward items you have in your ensemble? Leggings? Weird pant-substitutes in general, especially jumpsuits? Fingerless gloves? All guy repellent. Unless the trend involves showing as much leg or cleavage as possible, guys probably hate it.
Do not channel your inner Lady GaGa if you want to get a (straight) guy’s attention. There is a reason that you can go out and get 20 compliments from random girls and yet not a single phone number.
Reject the romper.
Girl-hot appreciates a level of distinct beauty that can go misunderstood by some guys. On the Beauty Appreciation Spectrum, girls seem to recognize a wider range of looks while guys tend to lean one way or another – exotic, classic, somewhere in the middle – so maybe whoever you point out just isn’t his type, or maybe he’s just a blind idiot.
One thing guys seem to have a universal appreciation for: bimbos. Shocking.
In addition to physical characteristics, outfits are another sticking point for clash of the sexes. It seems plenty of girls are wasting there time trying to impress guys with their outfits - for nothing.
The majority of those fashion-forward items you have in your ensemble? Leggings? Weird pant-substitutes in general, especially jumpsuits? Fingerless gloves? All guy repellent. Unless the trend involves showing as much leg or cleavage as possible, guys probably hate it.
Do not channel your inner Lady GaGa if you want to get a (straight) guy’s attention. There is a reason that you can go out and get 20 compliments from random girls and yet not a single phone number.
Reject the romper.
Friday, August 14, 2009
Match.Mom – Why There’s a Chance I Could End Up with an Arranged Marriage
A recap of my life growing up:
Mom: Rachel, that guy over there is really cute, let’s go talk to him.
Me: No, Mom, I don’t want you to be my wingman.
Fast forward to present day:
My parents just came to visit me in New York, and we had a fantastic time. One of my mom’s favorite activities while she was here was playing a little game called, “Hey Rachel, that guy is checking you out.”
Being slightly oblivious/ambivalent, I don’t typically pick up on that all the time on my own - but luckily Mom was here to do it for me! Awkward.
Now that she’s back in Austin, I guess we can continue with our typical guy-related conversations that go a little something exactly like this:
Me: I met a cute guy last night.
Mom: How tall is he?
Mom: How does he feel about moving to Austin?
Me: I don't even know his last name, so somehow his height and future living preferences didn't come up...
or
Mom: Hey my friend has a cute, tall son.
Me: Does he live in Texas?
Mom: Yes
Me: That does me no good...but thanks?
Mom: I'm just letting you know.
Are we starting to sense a pattern here?
Thinking that maybe it was just her, a new gem was added to the mix when one of HER friends PUBLICLY stated on Facebook that she would fix me up with her son after looking at our NYC photos.
My mom's response? “Send his info to Match.MOM.”
This is my life.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
A Major Reason Why I Probably Can’t be in a Relationship
At the moment I can’t commit to anything. I want a dog more than anything, but I know there is no way I can handle that sort of responsibility. Instead I will be resigned to lurking creepily outside of dog parks. Awkward.
I haven’t been able to commit to a co-ed beer league sports team. Once a week (or more!)? Ha. Do you want me to go ahead and change my name and open a joint checking account while I’m at it? I did recently get recruited for a team, though, but thank goodness I’m an alternate. Baby steps.
At the beginning of the summer, my sweet grandma generously sent me money to get my hair highlighted. After attempting to make a salon appointment, I started to freak out about the inconvenient maintenance schedule – too much required commitment! So instead I used the money toward a new Tory Burch purse – a good purch. so I don’t feel like it was given in vain. Sorry, Dolo, but it’s really cute.
I’m hoping this is just a stage.
I haven’t been able to commit to a co-ed beer league sports team. Once a week (or more!)? Ha. Do you want me to go ahead and change my name and open a joint checking account while I’m at it? I did recently get recruited for a team, though, but thank goodness I’m an alternate. Baby steps.
At the beginning of the summer, my sweet grandma generously sent me money to get my hair highlighted. After attempting to make a salon appointment, I started to freak out about the inconvenient maintenance schedule – too much required commitment! So instead I used the money toward a new Tory Burch purse – a good purch. so I don’t feel like it was given in vain. Sorry, Dolo, but it’s really cute.
I’m hoping this is just a stage.
I Don’t Want to Spend the Rest of My Life Saying We Met at ‘Da Club
I’ve always appreciated the story of a good ‘meet cute’ as they say in Hollywood – a couple’s first encounter. Something about the kismet from a unique story has always seemed so romantic.
With the last few guys I’ve dated, I have had fairly good answers to the too-be-expected, “How did you too meet” inquiry. Before the classic Lure of the Lobster Halloween incident there was the college boyfriend who I got to know during a first-semester workout class at the U.T. gym. “We met in P.E.” always sufficed as a good story since he clearly had to really like me for me since I was dripping with sweat, and not in a sexy way.
I can’t help it now, though, when quasi searching for a serious relationship, to insist on wanting to date someone I meet in an exceptional way. I would much prefer a, "He stuck his hand through the closing subway doors to give me his business card,” to a, “I met him at Tenjune,” not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Unfortunately I spend substantially more time gussying up for a night in Meatpacking than I do for any of my trips on the subway. Such is life...I will probably die alone.
With the last few guys I’ve dated, I have had fairly good answers to the too-be-expected, “How did you too meet” inquiry. Before the classic Lure of the Lobster Halloween incident there was the college boyfriend who I got to know during a first-semester workout class at the U.T. gym. “We met in P.E.” always sufficed as a good story since he clearly had to really like me for me since I was dripping with sweat, and not in a sexy way.
I can’t help it now, though, when quasi searching for a serious relationship, to insist on wanting to date someone I meet in an exceptional way. I would much prefer a, "He stuck his hand through the closing subway doors to give me his business card,” to a, “I met him at Tenjune,” not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Unfortunately I spend substantially more time gussying up for a night in Meatpacking than I do for any of my trips on the subway. Such is life...I will probably die alone.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Texting Case Study: Creepsters
I get some text messages that are the virtual equivalent of cat-calls from sketchy guys loitering around Kips Bay. Like, no way, “Oh hey there luscious I wanna get wit that,” is ever going to work, buddy. Anyway, sometimes I give out my number to ok-seeming guys to regret it after just one text.
For example:
2:30 am: “Why am I still thinking about you?”
3:15 am: “Still remembering the white dress???”
2:00 pm: “Hi sorry to keep bothering you but I can’t stop thinking about you.”
4:45 pm: “Not fair, I like you and want to get to know you.”
We met at 1 am for 15 minutes, we are not soulmates.
For example:
2:30 am: “Why am I still thinking about you?”
3:15 am: “Still remembering the white dress???”
2:00 pm: “Hi sorry to keep bothering you but I can’t stop thinking about you.”
4:45 pm: “Not fair, I like you and want to get to know you.”
We met at 1 am for 15 minutes, we are not soulmates.
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