Friday, October 22, 2010

Guest Post: The BFF's Spooky Halloween Tale

[Ed. note: Beware! More chilling than creepy haunted houses with those guys who jump out with chain saws and more disturbing than obese girls sporting "slutty" costumes, this masterpiece will send a shiver down your spine. Take note, fair reader, this too could be your fate if your number ends up in the hands of a Stage Five Clinging Foreigner! While The BFF gives you a taste of the insanity, it does not even come close to capturing all of the texts, Facebook messages, and VOICEMAILS. Voicemails, oh the horror!]

Twas a late summer Thursday in our fair New York City
When my friend Laurel called to say “Let’s go out and look pretty!”
I put on a dress and looked oh so fine
I was excited to party and sip on free wine.

I entered the W with not a care in the world
After all I was sure we’d be the prettiest girls.
Laughing, chatting, eating and boozing
Is how we became drunk from U.S. Open schmoozing.

Then out of nowhere appeared an older man
With an Australian accent and a golden brown tan.
“My name is HEINZ” he told me ever so sweetly
“Like the ketchup sauce!” I said to myself discretely.

I gave him my number, what harm could it do?
But little did I know that moment I’d rue.
We planned on a date for early that week
Avoiding a second was the goal I'd soon seek.

When he dropped me off home in my head
I already knew that this relationship was dead.
I texted a “Thank you” and hoped that was that
Little did I know one day he’d text me “Alex Let’s chat.”

Minding my business and keeping it real
I continued my life like it was not a big deal
However the texts were coming more and more
Things like “What you up to 2nite?/wkend? Lets meet for a casual drink?”
Oh the horror!

Then he began to get a little deranged
“Whats with the no reply babe? Bit strange.”
I wanted to say chill the eff out dude
But then he came back saying “Wow I didn’t know you were so rude!”

He asked me again “Why would you not reply? Bit weird or sketchy”
Could I tell him a part of it had to do with his bad breath-y?
Time went by I prayed he had moved on
But like so many things I was very wrong.

“Seriously you went M.I.A. Did you get married in Vegas or something”
Go ahead, I thought, and think I accepted a ring!
One week passed and then a second
I was ecstatic to believe Heinz’s love for me had lessened.

My indifference to the situation grew and grew
And then I receive “Friendly dinner or a drink this week Alex? I want to talk to u”
Listen, buddy, it’s been over 2 months
And if you don’t get it by now, I think you are nuts.

I’m sure in the Outback things work differently
But here in the States we know things more quickly.
If we are interested or not we’ll know off the bat
And you are just going to have to get used to that.

-- The BFF

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