Fun Times!

Just warning you, that headline is just a trick to lure you in. This post will be the opposite, so please stop reading if you are in a particularly good mood. We don't all need to feel like crap.

Okay, so let's start, shall we? I debated writing about this topic, mostly because it's sad and awkward and embarassing, but then I figured those are things I always write about so hey why not.

The other night, The German came over. In hindsight, there were little warning signs that something might be up, but it's always after the fact that they seem so glaring. Once inside, we went to my living room and sat down on the couch. "We need to talk. We're at the point of our relationship where I should feel love, but I don't. It's been great hanging out with you, but..."

This is when I stopped listening. This is when I started feeling really stupid. It is an incredibly difficult thing to hear that someone does not love you as much as you love you. Granted, I happen to have a fairly healthy self-esteem so not just any random person will most likely appreciate me as much as I happen to, but I really thought in this case it might have been different.

Anyway, there were a lot of emotions. (Obviously these all came to light after he left a few minutes later because hell to the no was he going to see anything but stone faced enlightenment.) A recap:

Sadness: There is no denying I'm devastated. It has been a long time since I've been this much of my self with someone. The goofy, silly me who doesn't play games and genuinely tries to be happy and pleasant. I think that's what hurts the most. My "real self" was rejected. I was the person I want someone to love, and now that person has been told "oh sorry, I don't think I could ever love you." Let that sting register.

It also sucks because he had every quality I am looking for in a guy. Now I have to start the search all over again. The time it will take for me to build up that emotional capacity again. Ugh. It is exhausting; I don't know if I have it in me. Oh, and since he's a guy, and with the glorious way the universe works, he will no doubt fall head over heals in love with the next girl he meets. Or maybe he already has. That's always the case. I have a track record to prove it. And then let's not forget that I still have six weeks left in Berlin. Although I have other friends, he was the person I looked forward to spending time with most.

In the end, I realize, though, that this relationship was doomed from the start. There were too many logistical issues, language barriers, oceans (okay, one ocean, but it is really big) and cultural differences standing in the way of anything long term. I am grateful he didn't string me along until I left, with me secretly plotting how we could "make it work." Sorry, Tim Gunn, not this time.

But still, it hurts not to be loved. There is nothing fun about rejection. And now, I am forced to go back to hating every happy person holding hands on the subway for the rest of my life. Because, while I will never find love, I will continue to love public transportation, which is a notorious hotbed for PDA. And, thus, jealously-inflicted depression.

Jaded: Of course this was going to happen. Why wouldn't it? Nothing lasts. I will never find love. Just stop. Stop trying to make fetch happen. Stop trying to make love happen. Just get a cat. Cats are the worst. The German was a cat person. That should have been a tip-off that this would never work. Of course it was never going to work. I am an idiot every time I think it will. Just stop. Stop for good. 

Bitch: Seriously, what are you still doing here? You've said what you had to say. Lingering on my couch these few extra minutes is doing no one any good. Phew you're getting up. Oh God, seriously, please take longer to put on your shoes. I get that it is the German custom to remove your footwear when you come over, but honestly if your plan is to stomp on my heart, you might as well not worry about tracking in dirt. Now we will have to continue standing here in silence while I wish you dead. Not really, but sort of. Seriously, tie your laces in the hall. Just leave. Now.

Nostalgia: Breakups are a bitch, but they're sort of a universal bitch. Enough so that my soulmate Jason Segel wrote a whole awesome movie about them. Then at some point the "fade out" came into fashion and we no longer had to end things, we just sat around as they dissolved. But this good ol' ain't-nothin'-but-the-real-thing-baby retro throwback reminded me of the past. Specifically when my junior year of high school boyfriend dumped me at his parents' house mere minutes after I had been dropped off by my mother. At least The German had the decency to make it convenient for me. Calling for a Ride of Shame is the worst.

Relief: I am not cut out for long distance relationships. Plane tickets are expensive. The time difference sucks. Actually learning German was going to be a huge pain in the ass.

And so, there you have it. Another one bites the dust. The silver lining? He didn't mention the blog as part of the reason to end things. Maybe it was a factor, but I am going to pretend like it wasn't. So there's that. And the fact I'm headed to Austin today. Where it will be 70 degrees. That goes a long way to making me happy.