How Will This Carnival Turn Out?

The idea of celebrating the start of Carnival Season on November 11, or 11.11.11, was first brought to my attention six months ago at an outdoor wine bar in Murray Hill. The client who had championed my onsite work in Germany was visiting New York and over drinks, she brought up the possibility of us having a meeting in Cologne, home of German Carnival, in order to be in town for the festivities.

That was the only time the two of us discussed making the trip, but a few months later the idea would come up with someone else. The German had worked in Cologne before moving to Berlin, and Carnival became one of many "We should do that's".

Once I realized it would fall on the same week as my Texas excursion I knew it would never happen, but then the suggestion of taking part in the Berlin parties was thrown out there too. "We should do that."

The German was the king of "we." "We should go to Hamburg." "We should eat at that restaurant." "We can go to the aquarium." (Tip: Do NOT get my hopes up about sea creatures!)

And now all these unresolved "we"s continues to bug me. Not just that they didn't happen, but his motivation for saying them in the first place. Did he ever have any intention of following through? Or is he just one of those guys who is reckless with the "we"?

I also can't help but wonder why he did anything at all. All of the well-documented niceties, his apparent interest in making me happy. If he didn't have strong feelings for me then, what was the motivation for creating scenarios where they might grow? If he could walk away at any point, why did he make it so much harder for me when he did?

These are the questions that I can't shake. Well those, and wondering if maybe his decision had anything to do with the fact I've gained five pounds, or perhaps it's that I was too cavalier about being fresh faced in front of him? Would exercise and makeup have made the difference?

Now I know I'm headed in a bad (CGS) direction, drunk from a self-debilitating cocktail of lingering jetlag, PMS pity, and an unshakable headache.

But I am too proud to ask any of these questions. The additional rejection would sting more than its worth. What would be the point?

Luckily, though, there is a little silver lining. Today is Friday and there is still a chance I might make it to a few Carnival parties after all. I have a month left, might as well make the most of it right?