I have a real problem setting myself up for emotional failure. Blame it on high personal expectations. Blame it on the fact that even though I know what I want, I'm still willing to overlook glaring, obvious issues (unemployed in California!) because maybe if the timing was better we could have had something. Or, more realistically, blame it on too many episodes of poetic soul-mate waxing on Dawson's Creek at a young, influential age. My father loved to lecture me and my brothers about how drinking/smoking when you're a teenager would stunt your growth, and I'm fairly certain that this principle precisely illustrates how Pacey left me with the emotional maturity of a freshman in high school. Just say no, kids.
Anyway, the reason for my disappointment doesn't matter, it's the result of it: Whatever I thought we might have fizzles, caustically eroding away my faith I have in finding someone special. (I know, I am such a drama queen.) I won't totally blame New York because guys are letting women down across each of the 50 states, but I will blame the city for making it so freaking difficult. New York is notoriously competitive.
Jobs are hard to come by, acceptances into schools are a struggle, finding a serious, healthy relationship is next to impossible. Navigating the levels between "talking", "dating", "seeing someone" all the way to "being in a relationship" requires perseverance, a dictionary, a game plan, and pure luck. Aka you might as well spend your effort going to med school. "Oh I'm in my fourth year of residency at Beth Israel." "Oh, I'm in my fourth year of dating that guy I can't refer to as my boyfriend because it makes him nervous." It'll totally be worth it in the long run, honey.
This is not to say that I am above any of this. There is no mistaking the fact that I have not been in touch with reality for the past three years. I mean, I only feel comfortable actually liking someone if I also have someone else around to balance out my CGS. Because heaven forbid I come off too available. WHY CAN'T I BE AVAILABLE TO THE PERSON I AM DATING? See what I mean? I'm disgusted with myself. (But at the same time, kind of proud, because I've come a long way from being so bad at dating! I AM COMPETITIVE TOO!) I tried explaining the idea of all this to some friends in Berlin, and they looked at me like I was insane. "So, you don't just get a boyfriend?" YOU DO SPEAK ENGLISH, RIGHT?
Clearly this whole post has gotten completely out of hand, but it was just a long way of building up to my point: It gets better. I am not trying to be an jackass by repurposing the teen-gay motto, I am simply re-instilling the message that it doesn't have to be like this. There is happiness out there. Just the other day I was eye-rolling-up-a-storm watching a couple on the subway being really cutesy together. And then it dawned on me. I have sort of become that person.
Last week I had three perfectly wonderful dates with The German. Two home-cooked meals (one at my place, one at his) and a night of live bluesy jazz at a swanky underground cocktail bar. (Blues is my favorite music genre so this earned major points, he didn't even know.) There was laughing. There was hand-holding. There was him helping me with my jacket. They were the kinds of nights that remind you how fun dating can be.
And the big takeaway is that I can say without shame that I like him and he likes me. I'm not sure where things will go but just knowing that and saying that makes it miles ahead of places I've been in the past. To think, we've only known each other a month. After dating someone a month in New York, I might change his name in my phone from whatever nickname I've been referring to him as to his real name. Maybe.
The German (don't worry, he is in my phone with his real name) is on holiday in Florida (USA! USA!) with his family for two weeks. We'll see how that bodes for everything. But at least, if nothing else, I have a little of my faith back in the practice of dating. And that's no easy task, unless of course Joshua Jackson has something to do with it.
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