Pen Pals

For the first ten or so years of our friendship, The BFF and I would spend our summers emailing long correspondences back and forth...and sometimes AIM conversations if one of us was willing to mess up our sleep schedule a little for the eight hour time difference. So I'm cool with having a pen pal. It's even the typical friendship status I now have with most of my close friends who live in other cities and I don't get to see very often, but I still like to know what’s going on in their lives. Gotta love gchat pen pals.


But, you know who I’m really not that into being pen pals with? Guys I’ve dated. Although last year I had a handful of guys who I would email (or FB message or text) back and forth with although there was no real expectation that we’d actually hang out, it was nice to have someone on the bench.

Now, not so much. I just don’t have the patience for it. Like, that’s great we’re communicating and all, but if it’s pretty clear this isn’t going anywhere, then I am not really in the mood to chit chat on the phone or receive random check-in texts. I’m talking to you, Native New Yorker. While he gets cut some slack for being out of the city most of the week due to his typical consultant schedule, he doesn’t tend to make plans in his regular de-brief sessions. So what is the point? You like me enough to complain about your crappy travel schedule, send funny things about your cat or generally be inquisitive about my life, yet you don’t want to give up a Friday night to hang out with me?

Sorry, I have too many other pen pals to keep up with. See ya.

Round Deux? Trois?

The BFF has one, steadfast dating rule: Don’t Ever Date the Same Person Twice.

This was learned the hard way in college by her falling for the same undeserving fool on two separate occasions. It is fine, though, because she now has the upper hand. Victory.


Anyway, she loves to remind me of this whenever I reconsider giving a guy a second chance. She also loves to educate me on the other wisdom she garnered while I was off busy being lame and faux-married in college. Let’s be honest, we’ve basically reversed roles. Now is her chance to pay me back for having to tolerate her woe is me behavior from freshman year.

So her advice rests on the fairly sound principle that if it didn’t work out the first time then it wasn’t meant to be. However, I’m starting to rethink this logic.

Especially in New York where people are groomed to hide behind strategically crafted dating personas, rarely do you get a real glimpse of someone’s true colors right off the bat. I’ve met guys who I thought were great, but turns out they weren’t. I’ve also met guys who I took longer to realize their greatness.

The same can also be said for chemistry. For me, a deeper connection – an honest, revealing friendship – is necessary for long-term commitment. However, I am the queen of putting walls up. Apparently. The version of me that you get to know while having dinner every week or two is not the version you will get to know day in and day out. It’s the Cliffsnote’s guide to me at my best. Unless I’ve had a few too many cocktails and then it might just might turn out to be a classic episode of Awkward Rachel Goes on a Date.

Change of heart is another reason to reconsider giving someone a second chance. A friend recently mentioned that a guy she had gone out with a few months ago texted her out of the blue. Going into the evening with a We’re Just Friends mentality led her to be fairly surprised when he straight up asked her if she was dating anyone else and made it clear that he wanted to pursue a relationship with her. This was coming from a guy she had totally written off for his inability to commit.

So who knows what the best advice is. I clearly don’t have a sweet clue. I don’t know what I want tomorrow, much less a month or two down the road.

But if someone is willing to pursue a second chance with enough effort and motivation that it seems genuine, then who the hell knows. Maybe it’s worth giving it a shot.

Best case scenario you’re both ready this time around to make it work.

Worst case scenario, you too can be a subscriber to The BFF’s #1 rule and warn your friends when they open that door a second (or third or fourth) time.

Wah Wah

So let’s be honest, I’m in a rut. I’m sorry, did you not get the Evite to my pity party? It’s themed (duh I love theme parties) - Debbie Downer.

I won't get into most of my lame issues, but basically trying to determine what will make me happy when the universe – or really the recession - is making it borderline impossible is throwing my life out of whack. But I am in no mood to wax poetic about depressing recession trends. That’s what The New York Times is for.

Anyway, as I attempt to determine What I Want to be When I Grow Up, dating and interviewing are getting to be a little too competitive in their demand for my patience. Let’s be honest, patience is not a virtue I am known for.

Here is my basic thought process for figuring out my next career move:

1) Determine what I’m looking for and what will make me happy – do I go after good job that I’m more attracted to the salary/status, or the job that will leave me even poorer but will fulfill a deeper satisfaction?

2) Throw away list from #1 and realize there are no F-ing jobs. Peruse Craigslist for ANYTHING that MIGHT be a potential option.

3) Stumble upon an Aladdin post (diamond in the rough, this is a good reference I promise) and tweak my resume to fit my new target.

4) Pray that they give me the time of day. Get an email scheduling interview!!

5) Schedule interview for next week. Get so excited that other job searches get put on hold.

6) Have interview, hold breath that they love me. This is it!!

7) Wait to hear back. I thought they liked me? I thought we connected?!

8) Back to square one.

See, fairly exhausting – both physically and mentally.

Now compare to dating:

1) Determine what I’m looking for – do I go for the hot guy whose personality I’m not really feeling, or the cute guy who I connect with on a deeper level?

2) Realize this is New York, and beggers can't be choosers. Accept date from any decent guy interested - but not the weird cab driver who told me I’d be alone for a long time and offered for me to spend the night. Ew.

3) Do my best to act slightly charming around potential dates and give out my phone number.

4) OMG he called me!

5) Schedule date for next week. Over-analyze and plan potential perfect match.

6) Go on date, he could be The One! Had a great time!

7) Seemed interested but no specific next date plans. Or maybe another date or two. But eventually it falls off the radar.

8) Back to square one.

My patience is stretched too thin to follow the same agonizingly tedious pattern in both areas of my life, and my professional life needs to be the main focus. Also the dating roster is bleak, and I’m too lazy to go scouting. Wah wah.

Mixed Signals

I love walking. I walk for speed. I don’t like to slow down unless I have to. Walk signals are suggestions rather than steadfast rules. But with that mindset, you have to pay attention.

Are you going to hit me, cabbie? Maybe. Don’t ever think no, just to be safe. It’s a little like a game of chicken. Both sides bluffing to see who will give way.

It’s fine – it’s a give and take relationship. Sometimes I may dart in front of your car if the red hand has just finished blinking (a few seconds ago); sometimes I’ll cut you some slack if I see the light turning yellow, and you’re determined to make it through the intersection.

The thing that really pisses me off though? Mixed signals.

Some drivers put on their blinkers pretending to turn and then change their minds while plowing through the intersection. You assume they’re doing one thing, then they make an instantaneous decision midway through and totally change course. Most likely having taken advantage of the opportunity to walk like a good New Yorker, you are now almost roadkill.

The opposite – when cars have on their blinkers, giving you the idea they’re continuing on their path and causing you to pause at the intersection, only to turn at the last second – is also aggravating. Couldn’t have given me a little heads up, buddy? You just wasted three valuable seconds of my life.

You know who else pulls moves like this? Wasting your time, or potentially recklessly risking your life because they didn’t think it was imperative to correctly use their signals?


Guys.

You’re getting one signal – an obvious blinking light signal – and then he goes and does something totally the opposite.

Do you want to date me? Are you turning right?

Make up your mind. Don’t waste my time.

Speaking of Wingman - Match.Mom Update

Since my youngest brother took my car with him to college, I was sans wheels while I was home. Totally fine since I enjoy being chauffeured around by my mommy. Anyway, while running errands one day we stopped by a coffee shop where she had wanted to get a gift certificate for a colleague. There happened to be a fairly attractive guy eating lunch there, who allegedly, according to my mom, was “checking me out.”

Mom: Go talk to him.
Me: What? Who?
Mom: That guy over there.
Me: Uh no? I’m not going to try and pick up some stranger with my mom.
Mom: I dare you.
Me: Seriously?
Mom: Double dare you.
Me: You’re not my wingman!!!
Mom: What if he’s your soulmate??
Me: Well clearly I am dying alone then.

This is my life.

Wanted: The Perfect Wing(wo)man

Okay before I even get started, I get it, we’re women. But I don’t love the phrase ‘wingwoman’ - I like wingman, and I don’t really consider it gender specific. So yeah, we’re sticking with wingman.

I think it’s safe to say only a select few people can pull off the random solo pick-ups, especially out at night. To do it well, a person needs to have a certain amount of charismatic chemistry and air of not really giving a shit. I am not one of those people.

I’m totally independent and self-sufficient in most areas of my life, but when it comes to going out to meet guys, I’m sorry I’m not doing that alone. Unfortunately, I don’t have enough go-to wingmen on the roster. And it is really stifling my social life.

Awhile ago I talked about the importance of building a strong dating roster. The same is true for wingmen. Unfortunately for me, most of my close friends in the city have boyfriends. Yes I know how incredibly selfish that is to say, but let's just be honest - having a boyfriend makes you lame (except, when you’re the one with the boyfriend, you’re not lame, you’re happy). I’m allowed to say it, though, because in college, when I had a bevy of great single friends to go out with, I was the one with the boyfriend. And I was la-me.

FML.

It’s not that I mind staying in sometimes – I am the queen of lazy. But when a night comes around that I would love to get all dolled up and flirt with some boys - and I can’t find one friend to go with – that’s sad.

The BFF, when she’s not with her BFJO (FJO boyfriend) or acting like a super lame grandma (this is meant as no offense to my actually very awesome grandma!), can make a pretty good wingman. Except that she is automatically judgmental of all guys I meet. Whenever I (hopefully) get proposed to someday, the guy better be smart enough to ask my parents AND The BFF for permission.

My other friends in the city do a good job serving the position when they can. But I need a go-to, single wingman with similar dating interests. And no, I’m definitely not going to do anything as creepy as this guy (I just have to say I do not understand the concept of a guy with a girl wingman. Why would a girl hit on a guy if he was with a girl? The logic doesn’t really register with me).

Unfortunately it’s pretty hard to make girl friends in the city. The only thing harder is meeting platonic guy friends – I have long since given up on that. Occasionally I will see girls at the gym, shopping or even on the subway and I think to myself, “She is cute, I love that [insert object I might like]! I bet we could be friends!” But how do you follow through?

So here is my plea:

Wanted: Wingman
Qualifications: Dating objectives align with MPD, enjoys getting dressed up to go out in MPD, thinks I’m funny, not totally wild/crazy but likes to have a good time, not socially awkward but enough awkward that we get along
Start date: Immediately
Compensation: I will provide the pre-game drinks

Please send cover letter and resume in the body of an email. No attachments!

You Went to Harvard, You Should Know Better

I am not against online dating. I actually think I would be better at it, maybe? I’m more articulate written than I am in person because I am able to self-edit. “OMG this is her edited? Dear Lord she must be so awkward in real life,” is what I imagine those of you who don’t know me are probably saying to yourselves right now... So true.

In addition to how I am able to present myself, I also like the fact that you can basically choose exactly what you’re looking for. You immediately know if a guy has sucky taste in music, is not photogenic, has no sense of humor, etc. Time saver. I like. Although between my skepticism of who I would meet and my crippling laziness I still have yet to actually try it.

But this isn't really about online dating.

This is about how Facebook is not a dating tool! In my opinion (IMO) it is socially unacceptable to “friend” someone you do not know because you think he/she is good looking.

Normally if some Random friends me – for example:

Some guy who lives in OKLAHOMA (the mortal enemy state of Longhorns – what time is it?? OU still sucks … and will in two weeks!), who is MARRIED and ultra-conservative.

Decline.

There is no reason we need to be friends.

Or, off topic, I don't need to be friends with a guy from high school’s baby who has a profile and has asked me to be his friend approximately 100 times. No, baby, I don’t want some toddler I have not or will not ever meet to be my friend. I am sorry. I think it’s weird for babies to be on Facebook.

Anyway, unfortunately one Random has recently slipped by my screening process. He was from New York, we had a friend in common and his generic name looked familiar. Accept.

Now I’ve received two messages in two days:

“Hey there where in the city are you! Can o text you?”

“Hey there sexy, thanks for the add! Great profile. Where in the city arey ou?”

As much as I appreciate his geographic curiosity as it is clearly of high importance to me, Scott, “Brand New to Face Book!” as his personal tagline boasts, is going to need to learn a thing or two about FB social guidelines.

His behavior is not acceptable. Nor is the fact that of his 270 friends, 90% of them are attractive females from across the country.

Facebook friending is not like collecting baseball cards. You can’t just go around creating an anthology of pretty girls. That is muy creepy.

Ugh Facebook just became the new MySpace.

And he went to Harvard. Seriously? Did Zuckerberg not teach him anything?