Happy New Year's Eve!

Hope everyone has a fun "2nd Biggest Letdown Night of the Year!" (first, of course, being Valentine's Day). Look at me, good thing being in a relationship hasn't changed me (and my capacity for cynicism).

Today is also my parents' anniversary! Mazel Tov. Approximately 27(?) years ago they got married on New Year's Eve and allegedly had a pretty rockin' party for their reception. Thanks for the invite, mom and dad.

As far as anniversary dates go, NYE is a pretty easy for my dad to remember, but since it's also one of the busiest nights of the year, it can be a pain to make plans to go out (especially for someone who doesn't love busy restaurants and prefers to fall asleep in the living room watching PBS...yes my family is wild). This year, though, I served as a witness to my dad attempting to secure reservations, yet my mom - the woman who loves to complain about his lack of effort in situations such as these - was being indecisive about it all. 

So I don't know what they'll end up doing, but if they don't do anything, he is off the hook! He tried!!! I vouch for his effort! Love y'all.

Guest Post: Match.Mom – A Success Story

Editor's Note: After receiving a complaint about my lack of posts, I suggested my friend Lauren write her own. Lauren has been mentioned before - she was the one who said every new friend was just a dollar sign (my new favorite quote), and she was also with me the night of stalking Chuck Bass outside the Gramercy Park Hotel. Clearly she is amazing. Enjoy.

Match.Mom – A Success Story
By Lauren

No, my mom isn’t crazy, she doesn’t have a Facebook account or stalking tendencies, and she has certainly never introduced me to potential FH. But recently she introduced me to someone far, far better: a potential FMiL (future mother-in-law).

I was at an engagement party this past summer for my BFF, when my mom introduced me to a sweet neighbor of ours who I had never met. After some friendly chatting, the following conversation took place:

FMiL: Lauren, do you have a boyfriend?

Me: Nope, I certainly do not.

FMiL: Well, I am shopping for my son, and I really hope you get to meet him.

[Note - if any lady with FMiL potential asks you if you have a bf, you should always say no. You never know when you’ve been blessed with an opportunity to trade up.]

That was it. The rest of the night, IT WAS ON. I turbo-charged my charm, casually highlighted some of my strengths and accomplishments, brought out my best dance moves, and even invited her and Mr. FMiL to join my family’s dinner table. So when I got home that night, like any discriminating girl with a brain, I stalked her son via facebook…

JESUS, MARY, AND JOSEPH… JACKPOT! He was hot, he was tall, he had a nice smile, and we had like 30 legit friends in common. I immediately began planning our future together.

The rest is history. We’re in love, and I know that our relationship wouldn’t be what it is had I not been recruited by his mom. There truly are a lot of benefits to meeting someone through your family that I have experienced first hand. You know from the beginning, rather than months into a relationship, whether or not they have a family you could stand to be a part of. Also, when your parents are involved you can’t go very long without being forced to define the relationship. And lastly, you both generally are on your best behavior, because you’re held accountable for your actions by people who know your parents.

All the benefits I just described pretty much depict the way high school relationships work, which I ultimately feel is a good thing. There was so much less bullshit back then.

I like you + you like me = we’re dating.

Lately, the equations have been much more complicated.

[(I like you + you like me) – (you work 100 hours a week) - you're applying to grad school + (you spend a lot of money taking me out / you’ve introduced me to your friends)] – you wear man jewelry^2 + your adorable dog already loves me – you live on the other side of town = who the hell knows.

The point is, in times when searching for a FH seems like a futile waste of time, embrace Match.Mom… maybe she really does know best? It's like taking dating into your own hands, but then passing it off into the hands of someone just like you, but older and crazier. Plus, it will make for some adorable stories at your rehearsal dinner.

Thanks, Lauren. You might be a genius.

I Suck

Sorry for my lack of posts, I've been very lazy (well, really just too busy eating non-stop, but, hey, that's what the holidays are for, right?) and traveling. I journeyed to Austin to see the fam and to be harassed about when I will be moving back. Now that I've returned to the frigid north, I'm thinking tomorrow. Just kidding, Mom.

Also, on my flight home, I sat next to a nice girl (lady? woman?) who is also from Austin and has lived in NYC for almost 15 years. She is my new role model. Kidding, sort of. Also her name is Mimosa. Badass.

Who knows how long I'll stay in Manhattan, but I will be here for at least another year now that The BFF and I have officially started our apartment hunt. One month to find something. Moving in the city is quite possibly the most stressful undertaking imaginable, but hopefully we will a) find something perfect, b) not kill each other, c) not be homeless.

Cross your fingers! And now that I'm back, I promise I will entertain you with tons of really great stories, or something.

Speaking of Weddings

A fellow Vows reading friend, who has had a slow day at work (duh, week of Christmas!) made me laugh out loud earlier with this gchat convo:

L: so because my boss got engaged and because i have nothing to do and because i have CGS
i just made a wedding invite list

me: HAHHAHAHA
how many people?

L: and with just the people i HAVE to invite
its like 100
just me, no groom's side
i never thought i'd have a big wedding
ooops
looks like i was wrong

time elapsed...

L: just remembered some people now im up to 120
and thats not including dates

me: ugh

L: like i need to be careful about making friends in the future
everyone i meet is just a dollar sign

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA.

Also, she would like for me to mention she is not engaged. Every girl ever really is crazy. Even the cool ones like L and me aren't exceptions. Sigh.

My Secret Sunday Ritual

I have a secret confession. Well, apparently I have a lot of secret confessions. Like how I just admitted to having eaten an entire plate of cookies solo. In one day. Fml.

This other secret confession might be more embarrassing, though, but I find comfort that I'm not alone. I have gotten confirmation from at least a few other friends who do it too.

What is it we're doing? Reading the New York Times' Vows section. Every week.

Each Sunday I look forward to finding out how the feature story couple met and how their relationship turned into The One. As I've mentioned before, marriage as far as I'm concerned is still a fairly foreign concept.  These stories - modern day romances, most without the fairy tale trimmings - help me have a more realistic understanding about finding love. Especially in the city.

The majority of the feature stories present the obstacles, the extended timelines and the exhausting effort necessary to make these relationships work. While the couple has finally reached the destination together, most stories document the real-world work needed for this conclusion. This week's was no exception.

In addition to the feature story, sometimes you'll find celebrity nuptials, hilariously self-important fodder for Gawker's Altarcations - a face-off to score the Sunday Nuptial winner - as well as occasional stories that just make you say "Awwww."

Or be jealous, in the case of a couple from this week's edition, who are both Production Assistants working in New York and had Will Ferrell make a cameo in their photo. And in their video.

So next Sunday, when you're dreading going to work on Monday and feeling sorry about your own love life, check out the Vows section. I promise I won't tell anyone.

Some Holiday Relationship Insight a la Kelly Kapoor

The Office's Kelly Kapoor is more boy-crazy than me. She's also funnier. Here's a cute essay Mindy Kaling (who is also an exec. producer of the show!) wrote for the New York Times about 'tricking' people into thinking she's adult enough to be a wife and mother.

Scripting a Fantasy of a Family Sign in to Recommend
By Mindy Kaling

Last year, toward the end of December, I was meeting my writing partner at the hotel lobby in Santa Monica where we always work. On the way out, there was a short wait while the valet got my car.

“Big plans for the holidays?” the parking attendant asked me.

“Not too much,” I replied. “Just spending time with the family.”

“Husband and kids will keep you busy,” he said.

“Yep,” I smiled, getting into my Mini Cooper.

Driving off, I felt nervous and giddy, as if I had gotten away with something. I don’t have a family where I have a husband and children. I had meant my family of my parents and older brother. It made me feel a tinge of excitement that someone would actually think of me as a grown-up like that. Even though I was the right age for it, I still felt like what I imagine the protagonist does in one of those “Big” or “13 Going on 30” body-swapping movies.

Who were these people in my parking attendant’s mind? This family wherein I, Mindy Kaling, was the mother and wife? I wanted to turn around and ask him more about what he saw, as if he were a fortuneteller. Who was he picturing as my husband? Was it my boyfriend at the time? Or someone else?

Of course, since I was little, I’ve pictured countless different versions of that family. The weirdest things will make me dream up an entirely new version. When I’m watching television and I see an ad for a hotel chain where “kids eat free.” Photo frames that have a fake picture of a family inside them already. Driving by Sizzler.

This time, the family that I assumed the parking attendant was referring to included a dark-haired agnostic architect husband named Alex who liked ethnic food and zombie movies. (For the record, Alex is a product of my imagination. I realize that no real people are actually architects, and that it is a profession that exists entirely in movies, like art gallery owner or children’s bookshop proprietor.)

Anyway, back to Alex. He was ethereal and dressed terribly because he didn’t care about clothes, but I kind of liked that about him. He did little things that drove me crazy like leaving his suitcase in the middle of the room when he returned from a business trip, an idiosyncrasy I once heard Michelle Obama attribute to her husband.

Alex and I lived in Hancock Park — a hip Los Angeles neighborhood — and I loved him so much that I was in a perpetual state of grinning. The kids were, I don’t know, kids. Really cute, etc. I have less experience with cute kids than I do with cute guys, so I’m not able to describe them as well, but trust me — super cute.

The problem with being a writer of romance and romantic situations is that my capacity for creating and believing in fantasy is huge. Nothing can ever be as amazing as Harry & Sally or, in my book, Joe Fox & Kathleen Kelly from the movie “You’ve Got Mail.”

When I started remembering that this fake family was fake, I started missing them. By the Centinela exit on I-10, I had depressed myself, and nothing had even really happened. Oldie Christmas music was playing on the radio, which made me feel even sadder, and I started to cry. While crying and driving, I consoled myself by thinking that this was probably pretty damn cinematic. I felt certain I must look like a cool underdog from a romantic comedy whom everyone wants to see succeed, which then, actually, inadvertently cheered me up.

The other thing that cheered me up is that the family I was thinking of when I said “Yep” is a pretty awesome family. My mom is a surgeon with an Indian accent who thinks she’s Jerry Seinfeld. My dad wakes us up at 8 a.m. on vacations and plans hikes that sound tiring but turn out to be really fun (and he also thinks my mom is Jerry Seinfeld). My brother is a business school student who takes the time to teach us to do things like video chat.

I have fun adventures with them. We went to Buenos Aires and Iguaçú Falls together last year, and it was one of my favorite experiences. They come to visit me in Los Angeles and we drive down Sunset all the way to the beach so my dad can look at mansions. I love the family that I’ve always had. It is cozy, warm, safe, corny; a PG movie I love, like “Elf.”

So I wondered why I didn’t correct him. Well, one reason, obviously, is that this busy parking attendant is a random polite guy making small talk. And another is that what he proposed was exciting, and sent my mind in a direction I wanted to live in for a while.

Do I want to be the child in my current family, or the parent/wife/grown-up of some other one? The first seems real and comfortable. The second seemed like a silly bit of mischief, a game of pretend, even though I have a sense it might be just around the corner.

I hope my future family always feels like this. Like I got away with a little lie, but with accomplices. “Oh, this is just the cute boy I married and the crazy kids I have, can you believe it? I can’t.”

Is it just me, or is this totally relatable? We're both on the fence about being adults, about growing and transitioning into actual people. I can't picture it either.

Also, for some great entertainment, here's an Office webisode gem featuring Kelly & Erin's faux-girl group Subtle Sexuality:

The Best Gift (And 10 Extra Lbs Gained) Ever

On Seinfeld, everyone knows the "code" to Elaine's vault of secrets is Schnapps. Just like everyone knows the way to my heart is food. And also puppies.

Anyway, this weekend J and I exchanged presents, a little Chrismukkah celebration if you will.

In the tradition of me giving him semi-selfish gifts (last year I got him Netflix, which he deemed "the best gift ever" seeing as how he loves movies...it was really more of just a gift that just made perfect sense) I got the two of us massages - no not couples massages - we can just go at the same time if we want. I also got him a super cute knitted hat with faux fur lining and ear flaps - at least accessories like this make winter seem more tolerable - an "old man" cardigan, and a lobster bottle-opener (duh).

What did he get me?

A box full of my FAVORITE Texas barbecue - Salt Lick - that "feeds 8." The same bbq I made my guy BFF slash Fake Husband venture with me to gorge on while I was home for Labor Day and mentioned here.

The bbq really has been the gift that keeps on giving. We shared it on Friday, I had some on Saturday [Note: A plate of sausage does not make for a good pre-workout snack, FYI], then we shared it with some equally-bbq-fanatical friends that night.

After meal #5 just now, J might have officially set the "Food is Love" bar so high it's impossible to beat.

So if you want to earn my love, go with puppies. Just throwing that out there.

Okay now please excuse me while I go pass out in a food coma again.