I'm Already So Over Valentine's Day

Although I won't deny that I enjoy the cutesy, heartsy festivity surrounding Valentine's Day - if for nothing else than to liven up February, an otherwise shitty winter month wedged between Christmas and Spring - everything else about it blows. Except maybe the abundant supply of chocolate. And craft ideas.

But, let's be honest, Valentine's Day as a holiday has pretty much been downhill ever since elementary school. Back then, you just showed up, had a sweet party where you got jacked-up on sugar, decorated shoe boxes with glitter and sparkly stickers, passed around generic cards confirming that you did indeed "rock" or were "totally awesome" (and when you got one from your crush, it was a sign you were most definitely going to get married someday, even though everyone else got an identical one from him too), and then you went home to crash from your sugar high. It ruled.

Now that we're adults, it seems like no matter how low we set our expectations for this holiday, it ends in disappointment. Or guilt. Or loneliness. Or all of the above, and none of which are particularly sweet treats.

And lately it seems that Valentine's Day has grown into something bigger than Barbie cards or Hallmark forcing couples into being lovey-dovey hostages to The Man. It has now turned into every company ever's favorite marketing ploy. If you're in a relationship, wherever you turn you will be bombarded with suggestions of how to celebrate your love. Cause if you don't do anything, then you obviously hate each other. Or if you're a single loser (just kidding), there are thousands of ways to meet someone, who you can hold to extremely high standards for Valentine's perfection next year!

Although I have received approximately 1,000,001 email blasts from various outlets (Time Out New York, I'm looking at you) about what to do this holiday, I still have no motivation to make it special. I have become Valentine's apathetic.

But, if you're less jaded about meeting your soul mate this Valentine's, might I point you in the direction of the potentially most awkward dating set-up ever?

Crunch's Flex Appeal: Speed Dating Yoga

Meet someone special during our night of light-hearted match making. You’ll be paired with a rotating cast of potential Mr. or Mrs. Rights to break the ice over an invigorating partner yoga workout. The match making will continue after class with complimentary drinks at a neighboring bar/restaurant. More details to be announced in class. Non-members are welcome, so bring your single friends along to get in on the action!

"Oh, how did you guys meet?"

He was facing my Downward Dog on Valentine's Day...

Awk-ward.

You Control the Message

This is a lesson it's taken me awhile to learn. Maybe because I'm slow when it comes to dating? I don't know. But I think it's a common problem for people.

Ever get annoyed if your friends don't love your BF?

Ever get annoyed with you friend for dating some guy you don't think is that great?

The thing is, no one but you and your BF really know

It's Not Just the Ladies: PMenS

Ever been accused of acting irrational, moody, overly dramatic or sensitive because of "hormones"? Yeah, me neither.

Ha haaaa just kidding. I will totally own up to the fact that when I'm PMSing, I (can) act like a total crazy person. Or, like, show actual emotions. If I tear up over something (e.g. a commercial featuring babies), a little check of the calendar will most likely conclude that, yes, it is in fact that time of the month.

I'm sorry, I know no one wants to talk about this. But I have an actual point.

After many a discussions with friends, I'd like to share a little-talked-about phenomenon: PMenS. I think it's time we found a term to describe when guys suffer from weird bouts of unexplained irritability and extreme mood changes.

While it's obviously under different circumstances, I promise, it's not just the ladies who act up occasionally.  Like a random episode when a guy - seemingly for no real reason - just flips a switch and takes a total 180 from his usual course of action. I'm not saying he becomes a girl, he just acts with the certain irrationality that - when I act that way - I have an "excuse" to blame it on. 

For example, out of nowhere, he suddenly becomes temperamental and hard to please. Nothing you do helps the situation; you can't seem to get on his good side. You eventually realize that maybe it's not something you did, perhaps it's just the way the Universe is aligning, etc. But soon enough, he gets out of the mood, and things go back to normal. There's nothing to psychoanalyze about the situation, any potential relationship crisis was averted because it didn't happen in the first place (just like last weekend's NYC snowpocalpyse).

So the point is: If your BF is acting weird and there seems to be no reason for it, most likely it's just a mild case of PMenS. Cut him some slack; remember, you always appreciate when he does the same for you.

[Editor's note: I know this post will prob annoy a certain someone. But listen, Carly Simon Warren Betty, it's not you - it's every guy. This syndrome is applicably generic and widespread as assuming all straight guys like the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition. PS Brooklyn Decker is hawt.]

How About We Don't...

Exactly one year ago I met a guy while visiting a friend out of town. We became Facebook friends. The other day - totally out of the blue - he wrote on my wall to "catch up." You know, for no real reason.

At first I was a little weirded out. And then I realized, it was as if someone had suggested he reconnect with me.

No, just no. This long-lost friendship rekindler is possibly my least favorite FB application. Like maybe even worse than those weird games people try and make you sign up for.

Have you ever reconnected with someone because it was on your homepage? Like, someone you don't even actually know?

I hope not.

And, while I'm on the subject, how about it if FB stops suggesting I reconnect with The College BF. Because, yeah, that would be pretty awkward considering we haven't communicated in the better part of two years.

Just wanted to say, "Hi."

Because Facebook suggested it.

Wait, It's Not Spring Yet?

I have reached that point in winter where I'm getting really antsy. Like, oh okay I've been a good* sport for the past few months, where is my reward of an 80 degree day? Austin, you ruined me.

But there's no reprieve in sight. And after complaining about that dumb groundhog's prediction earlier this week, I was reminded that, duh, it's only the beginning of February - obviously we would have six more weeks of winter. Or, if we're cursed with anything like last year, six more months of cold weather, a fate which I refuse to accept.

Credit: REUTERS/Jason Cohn

And retailers aren't making it any easier on me. Everywhere I look beautiful spring window displays taunt me with their floral whimsy. There is no reason I need to be tempted with flirty, romantic sleeveless dresses and sandals I can't wear for months. For heaven's sake, there is a snowpocalypse headed to the North East tonight!

With predictions of more than few inches of snow (much worse in D.C., sorry friends!), hibernation feels like the only acceptable solution for this weekend. And I'm not the only one to think so.

*IMO. I could be much worse. I think bribing myself with the new coat def. helped. Although I lost one of my red gloves approximately 1 day later. And have lost 3 other gloves since then. Cold hands it is.

Relationship Mindcontrol Syndrome

Do you remember in Aladdin when devious Jafar hypnotizes the Sultan with his staph? Oh, you don't? Do you not just sit around randomly thinking about dating comparisons to Disney movies? I don't know what my deal with Disney is lately...

Anyway - as so everyone is on the same page - Jafar uses his evil powers to brainwash the Sultan into doing whatever he wants. Then things get scary! Like giant snake (my most hated/feared animal) scary!

After talking about Social Blinders Syndrome, aka the syndrome that ruined Sammi Sweetheart & Ronnie's star power slash cool factor on Jersey Shore, I wanted to talk about something even worse: Relationship Mindcontrol.

Now, there are some girls out there who just have the desire (and power) to whip a guy into boyfriend submission, wherein he basically packs away his package and gives her utter control of his social life. She dictates who he talks to, she'll check or answer his phone, and she'll coordinate his schedule to her liking - basically Kim Jung Il'ing his life so he is no longer a member of the Free World.

I have never been this girl. While I do enjoy wearing (or thinking I wear) the relationship pants as well as not minding others thinking that I'm the center of the universe, I also have a short attention span and would get sick of perma-control very fast. Anyone I date has to know when to occasionally lay down the law, otherwise I will walk all over him. And then I will walk out the door because, wow, that was boring.

I also learned the hard way that going through a boyfriend's phone (even for good reason) NEVER brings you peace of mind. Even if it's innocent (e.g. he's in the shower and his phone rings, it's not yours to answer/mess with/etc ...obviously if he gives you permission, whatever, but I wouldn't recommend making it a habit). Even though at the time, in high school, I had good reason to (e.g. my "friend" slash yearbook rival slash almost college roommate was trying to steal my bf away from me!), it turned me major crazy. And crazy is not a flattering shade on me! Shocking.

Okay, back to my main point: the inspiration for this post came from a FoF's story about losing his guy friend to his new GF. He no longer has contact with his friend as the new GF is the one who answers his calls, replies to his texts, cancels his plans  (e.g. Dave is "sick tonight"...I am taking care of him so we can't come), etc. Seriously, just hearing about it made me naush.

This is the kind of story that just screams OOC CGS. This CGS is not only unacceptible, it is frightening! It's a dangerous situation because - as a friend - you want to stage an intervention, but you know that all parties involved are so in love that there's a chance you will only make things worse for your friendship. Tread lightly. You can hope that eventually he will open his eyes to the idea of a better life, one where he can make AND keep plans for a boys' night, but in the mean time, it's not your decision to make.

But the point of this all is, girls, I know we like to have control. But do NOT use your powers for evil! Disney villians never prosper! And, guys, don't allow yourself to be that guy. Because no one wants to date the Sultan.

And we all lived happily ever after. With our pet tigers.

Hostesses with the Most-esses

On Saturday, The BFF and I hosted our first party together in years. And it was a huge success. Although I love love love to plan parties, since our previous home was part of Dante's inner circle of hell, we haven't been able to throw a real, full-on part-ay in quite a long time. Ushering guests back to our room past our wardens sprawled out in the living room did not count.

Saturday made up for it, IMO. We even got a shout out from Elle at DYFU.

In addition to the fun of watching all our different groups of friends interact, the jello shots and punch, and the Craigslist-hired bartender who helped raise the level of classiness up a notch or two, The BFF decided to create a little tribute to our former, (more) fun selves with a wall-covered photo montage.

You really accumulate some great memories when you've been friends for a decade plus. Please note there was a polaroid of us taken at a middle school, Millennium-themed dance up there too (although I refused to let her put up any pics from that era..shudder).

Love you, Wifey! Now we get to go home and Swiffer the floor...