You Went to Harvard, You Should Know Better

I am not against online dating. I actually think I would be better at it, maybe? I’m more articulate written than I am in person because I am able to self-edit. “OMG this is her edited? Dear Lord she must be so awkward in real life,” is what I imagine those of you who don’t know me are probably saying to yourselves right now... So true.

In addition to how I am able to present myself, I also like the fact that you can basically choose exactly what you’re looking for. You immediately know if a guy has sucky taste in music, is not photogenic, has no sense of humor, etc. Time saver. I like. Although between my skepticism of who I would meet and my crippling laziness I still have yet to actually try it.

But this isn't really about online dating.

This is about how Facebook is not a dating tool! In my opinion (IMO) it is socially unacceptable to “friend” someone you do not know because you think he/she is good looking.

Normally if some Random friends me – for example:

Some guy who lives in OKLAHOMA (the mortal enemy state of Longhorns – what time is it?? OU still sucks … and will in two weeks!), who is MARRIED and ultra-conservative.

Decline.

There is no reason we need to be friends.

Or, off topic, I don't need to be friends with a guy from high school’s baby who has a profile and has asked me to be his friend approximately 100 times. No, baby, I don’t want some toddler I have not or will not ever meet to be my friend. I am sorry. I think it’s weird for babies to be on Facebook.

Anyway, unfortunately one Random has recently slipped by my screening process. He was from New York, we had a friend in common and his generic name looked familiar. Accept.

Now I’ve received two messages in two days:

“Hey there where in the city are you! Can o text you?”

“Hey there sexy, thanks for the add! Great profile. Where in the city arey ou?”

As much as I appreciate his geographic curiosity as it is clearly of high importance to me, Scott, “Brand New to Face Book!” as his personal tagline boasts, is going to need to learn a thing or two about FB social guidelines.

His behavior is not acceptable. Nor is the fact that of his 270 friends, 90% of them are attractive females from across the country.

Facebook friending is not like collecting baseball cards. You can’t just go around creating an anthology of pretty girls. That is muy creepy.

Ugh Facebook just became the new MySpace.

And he went to Harvard. Seriously? Did Zuckerberg not teach him anything?

Stereotypical Workplace Differences

So I've only worked in PR, but I am assuming that the workplace culture is very different than, let's say, life in FJO-world.

Like for instance, the chances of this video being repeatedly shown by one guy to other guys in a "Too Big to Fail" office are fairly slim...

But that's just my guess. Who knows?

IAAB Karma

Sometimes there is no guilt related to turning someone down. Like My New Haircut guys at the club reeking of jager bombs who come up to you with some lame line. Or sketchy guys on the street who whisper totally inappropriate come-ons as they walk past you. Like the time my friend Ash was summoned by an official MTA employee - a bus driver on his bus! - to come over so he could hit on her. Ew.

But I am a bitch (IAAB), and occasionally a nice guy will make an effort with me, and for whatever reason I'm not feeling it, I will reject him. Clearly I'm no stranger to rejection, I've been there. It feels terrible.


So what do you do about it? How do you let them down easy? I've been faced with back-to-back situations where a little grace in this department could go a long way.

One instance involved me - hungover and on a shopping mission - and a random, probably very nice human being at Best Buy. As per my usual hungover state of unabashed interest in awkwardly talking to strangers, I started chatting with him. And apparently this guy found Hungover Rachel endearing. As he was from out of town, he asked me if I knew any good lunch spots in the neighborhood. My suggestion was followed by his suggestion that I accompany him. However, having already consumed my body's weight in Chipotle, there was no way. "How about coffee instead?" he asked. Clearly he does not understand booze is always the next option. Otherwise us getting to know each other would be the equivalent of a job interview.

Unfortunately for the potential fairy tale scenario of two strangers locking eyes over cheap netbooks, I was a) not interested and b) not in the mood to play babysitter. Like I said, IAAB.

I shot him down, left immediately after making my purchase, and subsequently destroyed his opinion of New York. Just kidding...

Now, spring forward to today. A very nice acquaintance who I ran into recently sent me an email asking me out this weekend. EITHER Friday dinner or Saturday brunch. Tricky tricky. Although The BFF pointed out that perhaps agreeing to go out with an actual nice human being might be a good change of pace and possibly even lead to an actual healthy relationship - the answer is no, not going to happen. I am just not interested.

So, now how do I defuse this situation? And no, honesty is not a policy I feel comfortable using in this scenario.

Is it wrong to say I'm seeing someone? Maybe I can just send him the link to this blog and say no one in their right mind would want to date me? Maybe I can be out of town and/or busy forever.

Whatever I pull, I will have bad karma. Forever. Because IAAB.

Today We're Getting Deep

Dating is fluid like the tide. It forcefully washes in only to jerk back out again. It knocks you over. It drags you down. It sucks.

You think he likes you, you think you have the upper hand. Then he pulls back drifting into the sea, where you know there are a million F-ing fish, but you’re not an F-ing fisherman. You wanted that one.

Damn All the Fish.

Note: This is the only time I will say something derogatory about sea creatures on this blog unless I happen to get bit by a moray eel or something along those lines.

Match...Dad?

A few months ago I called home to catch up with the ‘rents and, since my mom was out of the house, I had a nice little chat with my father, which included this gem:

Dad: So there’s this really handsome grad student interning at work. (My dad is an engineer).

Me: Uh?

Dad: Yeah he’s really tall, really good looking.

Me: Mom, is that you?

Dad: Yeah he might be a little old for you (he’s 33, so not in NY standards) but he sure is good looking.

Me: Seriously, what?

This coming from the man who has berated my mother for YEARS for meddling/trying to fix me up with any and every guy in the world. And also the guy, who after a few glasses of wine, told my best friends and their parents at our joint college graduation party that he just didn’t understand “why all women aren’t lesbians because women are just so beautiful.” So yeah, it was weird.

Obv when I went home to Austin, I had to follow up and see if I could get a glimpse of this man who had taken my father’s breath away.

My father, who clearly is spending way too much time with my mother, told me that I could come visit him at work, and he would point out said “really handsome” guy and then I could decide whether or not I wanted an introduction. Elaborate stakeouts had always been Mom’s domain, I thought. What is happening to the world?

Sadly, though, my potential future husband wasn’t working that week! Plan foiled! Match.Dad sadly would have to wait…

Talking to my parents recently, though, I did hear that my FH is back in the office, and my mom said she will go “check him out” for me. As her stalking techniques are getting quite technologically advanced, I told her she should pretend to text message while secretly taking a picture.

There is a 100% chance of hilarious failure with this plan. I will keep you updated.

Time to Clean Out Your Facebook Closet

Facebook started when I was a freshman in college, and it ruled. How else would I have been able to remember the names of the gazillion girls who all looked relatively the same in my dorm? Or the guys I met at frat parties?

But as the years go by, I continue to add “friends” that are actually more of not-even-acquaintances - random people who I met one time. Or, in the case of a lot of guys - who I made out with one time. Now, do we have to stay friends forever?

I’m all about major, thorough decluttering of my life. Probably because my mom always made me go through and get rid of my stuff periodically - the reason I no longer have any of my Barbies.

“Bless it and let it go,” her ‘Fung Shui Lady’ taught her. And, yes, that is someone’s career…

While my mothers mantra of, “If you didn’t wear it last season, get rid of it,” is a little harsh criteria, it is a nice excuse to rid yourself of things you’re ready to part with.

The other day a friend announced she had de-friended her ex on Facebook. After an attempt at being friends - years after the initial break-up - had recently gone awry, she felt comfortable being done with him for good.

It got me thinking. If I do not want or plan to come into contact with someone I’ve dated (hooked up with, made out with, had a crush on, etc.) again, why are we still “friends”?



Before the advent of social networking, relationships could totally disappear off the radar with ease. Now you could theoretically never lose contact with someone. Forever. While great for actual friends, family and acquaintances, if you never want to talk to someone again, bless them and let them go. Or, perhaps more accurately, cuss them and de-friend them.

It’s about karma - you’re clearing out your life to make room for others.

I feel like The Fung Shui Lady might be proud of me? Maybe not…


FB sidebar: The Native New Yorker suggested I become a fan of his mom.

HAHAHA. Seriously.

In his defense, she is an author with a newly released book and he sent it to all his friends, most of whom know her. But still.

The request has been unanswered. I feel awkward rejecting it. What if he and I were to date? What if someday I met his mom and I told her I refused to be her fan? I mean small chance of that happening, but still. Thanks, Facebook, for putting me in this awk situation.

Boyfriend Control – The Other B.C.

My mother used to say that all the babysitting I did was the best form of birth control. Boy was she right. I mean, not that I would have gotten knocked up in middle school, but spending countless weekends watching screaming babies, stubborn toddlers and unwieldy pre-schoolers gave me first-hand knowledge of how much trouble kids can be - especially if you’re not ready for ‘em. Before I get to my point, I would just like to congratulate myself for knowing, no matter how I F-up my life, I will never be a pregnant teenager. Wahoo.

Lately, though, I’ve started to get that same “Wow that looks terrible - I want no part of that right now” feeling when I witness some couples. Instead of birth control, it's boyfriend control - used to prevent unwanted relationships.

Yeah of course the sight of two love birds fawning all over each other makes me a little jealous, but so does seeing an adorable, giggling baby. But chances are, in five minutes, that baby will have thrown up on his mom’s shirt and is now in the midst of a giant screaming tantrum.

The same is true with relationships – they’re not all hand-holding and sweet kisses.


The awkward silent treatment at restaurants, where even as a bystander you can tell how miserably annoyed they both are with one another. A girlfriend screaming into her phone while standing in the middle of the sidewalk. Or, worst of all, like what I witnessed at a park with The BFF last night, a couple clearly breaking up. There’s nothing more tormenting. It looked like he was the one to pull the trigger. She looked fairly devastated. I was fairly devastated for her.

Listening to friends wax poetic about their dysfunctional relationships is other B.C. fodder. Not that I mind being a sounding board for friends to vet their problems – that’s what I’m hear for – but just that vivid trip down memory lane of being at a shitty place in your relationship...been there, do not miss that.

While being single can be lonely and full of plenty of its own drama and emotional scarring, it doesn’t involve the potential trauma of being let down by someone you love, being hurt or devastated if it doesn’t work out. You can’t dump yourself - it is the true, “for better or worse, sickness and in health” relationship.

And for the time being, I’m pretty content. It’s up to me to make me happy. And the reminders of the bad parts of dating – like being stuck with a colicky baby for an entire evening – make me think that I might be better off on my own until the time is right and I know I’m ready to fully commit to the responsibility.