Texting is awesome, especially in the early stages of dating. It’s nonchalant, it’s breezy. Since it doesn’t require instantaneous response, it allows for thoughtfully crafted replies to lure your potential interest, as opposed to awkwardly babbling voicemails that make them rethink calling you back (maybe that’s just me?)
This time buffer allows for strategic communications decisions to be made - perhaps a little sass or wit is the right plan of attack, maybe something a little more direct is needed to really get your point across. Or maybe you decide that the text you just received deserves no response at all. Fair enough.
But one of my favorite parts of text message courtship is the end result - an analyzable transcript to provide insight into where things might be headed. Here are some main factors to keep in mind when deciding whether a guy is worth pursuing:
• Any major red flags or high creepy factor levels that immediately rise to the surface during the make-it or break-it communication directly after your initial interaction. Let’s say, for example, you meet someone at a bar for a short period of time and he gets your number. You thought he was cute but don’t know much about him. You have a vague recollection of thinking he might have been kind of lame/a womanizer/not your type/etc. but you can’t remember because you were drunk. So in order to overcome the poor first impression you associate with him, these texts are the deciding factor. Most people get weeded out here.
• His apparent interest in you based on how frequently he texts, if he initiates specific plans, his average length of response time to your texts, what time of day/night he texts you, etc. There are often plenty of clues to know if it’s worth your time to keep liking someone, but most girls (me included) tend to overlook these glaring factors. The original FH took on average 36 hours to respond to texts. Uh, hello, red flag?!
• The caliber of the banter based on his repartee skills, the level of sass you feel comfortable using, the development of a few small personal jokes or inclusion of follow ups to previous conversations. You need someone thoughtful and willing enough to flirt via SMS in order to vie for your attention. I personally need someone who thinks I’m funny. If he doesn’t appreciate my text humor, he probably won’t get the real life version either.
A brief analysis of these three categories will offer a basic idea about whether or not this guy is worth your time. Although following the suggested advice is often easier said than done...believe me.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Monday, July 27, 2009
Oh Yeah
I remember why I had no guys to date - dating requires meeting people. Which requires leaving your apartment. Dating also requires being nice to someone for more than 30 minutes.
Too many deterrents.
Too many deterrents.
Always Have Someone on the Bench
I have been boy crazy since 5th grade. Since I can remember, I’ve always typically had at least one person to be interested in, you know, just as a side project or something. Liking boys is a hobby. A sport.
As long as things are casual there is no problem pursuing a variety of crushes until one pans out that way you’re never too focused on one person, which leads you down that detrimental path to CGSville. Pretty good game plan, I think.
I live in the ups and downs of new crush excitement, the balancing act of who you like more, the possibilities. Then one moves ahead in the race and the others just fall by the way side. You're looking for the winning horse, but that doesn’t mean you should necessarily put all your money on it right away. Spread out the bet a little and see your options at least.
When I moved to New York, I knew I needed to get a few interests to occupy my time. Luckily I found myself meeting guys left and right (mostly due to poor discretion and strong dating ambition.)
I ended up developing a fairly sufficient rotating lineup of interests - a mixed group of guys that ranged from legitimate options, hopeful interests, and let’s be honest, a few warm bodies to bulk up the lineup - the guys that I knew I would never be interested in for a variety of reasons, but kept on friendly terms with JIC.
However, eventually as the weather started to cool off after the summer, for whatever reason my dating life began to cool off too. My lineup began to dwindle: one of the guys got a serious girlfriend, one I realized was in fact not that awesome and actually kind of terrible, one could not overcome my preconceived opinion that a) he looked like a British monkey, b) he was shorter than me, and c) his roommate was The World’s Biggest Douchebag. Dealbreaker.
The season was over and all my free agents had left.
As long as things are casual there is no problem pursuing a variety of crushes until one pans out that way you’re never too focused on one person, which leads you down that detrimental path to CGSville. Pretty good game plan, I think.
I live in the ups and downs of new crush excitement, the balancing act of who you like more, the possibilities. Then one moves ahead in the race and the others just fall by the way side. You're looking for the winning horse, but that doesn’t mean you should necessarily put all your money on it right away. Spread out the bet a little and see your options at least.
When I moved to New York, I knew I needed to get a few interests to occupy my time. Luckily I found myself meeting guys left and right (mostly due to poor discretion and strong dating ambition.)
I ended up developing a fairly sufficient rotating lineup of interests - a mixed group of guys that ranged from legitimate options, hopeful interests, and let’s be honest, a few warm bodies to bulk up the lineup - the guys that I knew I would never be interested in for a variety of reasons, but kept on friendly terms with JIC.
However, eventually as the weather started to cool off after the summer, for whatever reason my dating life began to cool off too. My lineup began to dwindle: one of the guys got a serious girlfriend, one I realized was in fact not that awesome and actually kind of terrible, one could not overcome my preconceived opinion that a) he looked like a British monkey, b) he was shorter than me, and c) his roommate was The World’s Biggest Douchebag. Dealbreaker.
The season was over and all my free agents had left.
Friday, July 24, 2009
Foreigners: Stage-Five Clingers or Womanizers
Foreigners* - avoid at all cost
*I'm referring to men who are visiting or who have lived in the states for less than three years, it's science.
So there was the incident with the Brazilian soccer PLAYER.
Clearly he's not alone. There are tons of good looking foreigners roaming the streets, seducing women with their suave non-American accents. Let me warn you right now, if you meet this type, he is probably a womanizer too. Enjoy the foreign fantasy while you can, but don't let yourself have high expectations of a long romance.
However, you can also run into the opposite end of the spectrum, something I have had to learn the hard way.
One night the BFF and I went to a neighborhood bar where we met two Israeli soldiers visiting the U.S. for the first time. It became apparent that one of them was quite captured by the BFF and her quasi-middle eastern look, while the other one chatted with me. He told me he had a girlfriend back in Israel and even showed me a picture.
Seeing as how they seemed nice enough, we obliged at the end of the night when they asked for our phone numbers, and it turned out, my email address as well. My new friend had a GF so I didn't think he would actually contact me again.
Wrong.
The following day we had already received three calls each from these guys, with the number of missed calls exponentially increasing with each day that passed. Eventually after a solid two weeks of stalker-like phone calls, voicemails and broken-English emails, our soldier friends finally took the hint.
A few months after that, I made the mistake of making out with a seemingly sweet South American at a bar, mostly due to boredom. Again, at the time it seemed like a fine idea to give him my number even though inside I knew I would never want to see him again. Unfortunately I just felt too bad telling him that in person, and I paid for it for weeks. There is nothing more annoying than being excited by the alert of a text message only to find it's ANOTHER ONE from someone you never want to hear from again.
After those eye-opening experiences, I made a promise to myself to be slightly more discerning...it is sort of working.
*I'm referring to men who are visiting or who have lived in the states for less than three years, it's science.
So there was the incident with the Brazilian soccer PLAYER.
Clearly he's not alone. There are tons of good looking foreigners roaming the streets, seducing women with their suave non-American accents. Let me warn you right now, if you meet this type, he is probably a womanizer too. Enjoy the foreign fantasy while you can, but don't let yourself have high expectations of a long romance.
However, you can also run into the opposite end of the spectrum, something I have had to learn the hard way.
One night the BFF and I went to a neighborhood bar where we met two Israeli soldiers visiting the U.S. for the first time. It became apparent that one of them was quite captured by the BFF and her quasi-middle eastern look, while the other one chatted with me. He told me he had a girlfriend back in Israel and even showed me a picture.
Seeing as how they seemed nice enough, we obliged at the end of the night when they asked for our phone numbers, and it turned out, my email address as well. My new friend had a GF so I didn't think he would actually contact me again.
Wrong.
The following day we had already received three calls each from these guys, with the number of missed calls exponentially increasing with each day that passed. Eventually after a solid two weeks of stalker-like phone calls, voicemails and broken-English emails, our soldier friends finally took the hint.
A few months after that, I made the mistake of making out with a seemingly sweet South American at a bar, mostly due to boredom. Again, at the time it seemed like a fine idea to give him my number even though inside I knew I would never want to see him again. Unfortunately I just felt too bad telling him that in person, and I paid for it for weeks. There is nothing more annoying than being excited by the alert of a text message only to find it's ANOTHER ONE from someone you never want to hear from again.
After those eye-opening experiences, I made a promise to myself to be slightly more discerning...it is sort of working.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Crazy Girl Syndrome (CGS)
Unfortunately due to my completely inaccurate thought-process regarding dating, not long after I moved I developed a full-fledged case of Crazy Girl Syndrome (CGS).
CGS is the condition where outwardly great females - beautiful, smart, funny, seemingly confident - turn into neurotic, psycho bitches who shamelessly obsess and go after typically unworthy guys far longer than they should. You know the type or maybe you are the type.
Now, CGS can manifest in specific situations and eventually be overcome without (hopefully) causing too much permanent damage. For example, you like a guy, maybe you go out a few times, you text him. Either a) he doesn't respond, b) he responds a lengthy amount of time later, c) his response is half-assed and non-committal. You text again. Maybe you're bolder and you call. Uh oh, he doesn't respond.
Now you're starting to look desperate and you know it. Mental mantra (or friend's wisdom) repeatedly says, "Keep dignity intact! Self-control! Back away from the phone!" Of course this is all far easier said than done... this is a blog about learning things the hard way after all...
Eventually oxygen returns to your brain and you realize he probably sucks anyway. Maybe you never talk again, and that's fine. Then you meet someone who obsesses over you, and you think, "Wow this guy is desperate." Maybe you also make the connection that in the last relationship YOU were that guy... It starts to make sense. You live and you learn.
Unfortunately, some girls just naturally suffer from CGS all their lives, and well, that sucks for them. I know more than a few ladies who are downright amazing but their inner insecurities fuel outwardly crazy behavior and will always remain a roadblock to healthy relationships. "OMG WHY ISN'T HE TEXTING ME!?" Maybe chill the F out and he will...
I am convinced, though, that CGS is a problem that you can overcome no matter how severe the case may be. Like anything else, self-control and understanding your problem and practicing self-control can usually do the trick.
CGS is the condition where outwardly great females - beautiful, smart, funny, seemingly confident - turn into neurotic, psycho bitches who shamelessly obsess and go after typically unworthy guys far longer than they should. You know the type or maybe you are the type.
Now, CGS can manifest in specific situations and eventually be overcome without (hopefully) causing too much permanent damage. For example, you like a guy, maybe you go out a few times, you text him. Either a) he doesn't respond, b) he responds a lengthy amount of time later, c) his response is half-assed and non-committal. You text again. Maybe you're bolder and you call. Uh oh, he doesn't respond.
Now you're starting to look desperate and you know it. Mental mantra (or friend's wisdom) repeatedly says, "Keep dignity intact! Self-control! Back away from the phone!" Of course this is all far easier said than done... this is a blog about learning things the hard way after all...
Eventually oxygen returns to your brain and you realize he probably sucks anyway. Maybe you never talk again, and that's fine. Then you meet someone who obsesses over you, and you think, "Wow this guy is desperate." Maybe you also make the connection that in the last relationship YOU were that guy... It starts to make sense. You live and you learn.
Unfortunately, some girls just naturally suffer from CGS all their lives, and well, that sucks for them. I know more than a few ladies who are downright amazing but their inner insecurities fuel outwardly crazy behavior and will always remain a roadblock to healthy relationships. "OMG WHY ISN'T HE TEXTING ME!?" Maybe chill the F out and he will...
I am convinced, though, that CGS is a problem that you can overcome no matter how severe the case may be. Like anything else, self-control and understanding your problem and practicing self-control can usually do the trick.
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