Double Wedding Postponed (Indefinitely)

The BFF and I have both been abstaining from FJOs during our recent bouts of singledom. Much like how the markets needed time to recover, so did we.

But recently she met a cute, younger guy who is working his first job in finance. Having only dated older FJOs, the two of us had no idea how bad those at the bottom of the totem pole have it. Seven days a week, considering "midnight" to be an early release, never seeing the light of day.

Then it dawned on me. It's basically hazing. Except with a paycheck.

For example, he was telling us how last week the older guys took them out to a club. The FJOs-in-training were left with their credit cards ("We could spend a few hundred on each, but not thousands" - I guess the recession isn't over?), but after their fun, they were expected to go back to work. Ugh. Hell Week with bottle service.

Anyway, even though his schedule has been an impediment to them hanging out, boy oh boy is this guy super dreamy. Think Young JFK Jr.

And, OMFG, did I mention he has an identical twin brother!?!?!? I literally died. Commence dream sequence of beautiful, preppy, Hamptons Double Wedding of the Century.

But then, after a night of hanging out with them, which included their other roommate dancing up a storm with me (why, again, is it that guys think I just loved to be spun and dipped? DON'T THEY KNOW I HAVE A HEART CONDITION!?), things took an interesting turn.

No, unfortunately that turn of events was not us eloping. Tear.

It turns out The BFF's interest is listed in a relationship on Facebook! If this is the case, why on Earth would he accept her friendship request?

Perhaps it's because he's a child who doesn't know better?

Sigh. There was so much potential there. By, there, of course I mean us marrying gorgeous brothers so we can become real sisters! Not so much in her relationship with him. I mean, he literally works every second. Ew.

Disclaimer: The BFF would like everyone to know that she is still a baller and has plenty of other, non-relationshipped guys on her roster. Just in case anyone was concerned.

Gym'spiration

No, just no.

My gym is full of cute guys. But they all tend to remain in the scary "boy zone" aka weight area so sadly I am not surrounded by them.

Although, sidebar, the other day I went to a different location and had a terrible workout. There was zero motivation there AT ALL, if you know what I mean. Plus, there's a Crumbs cupcake store directly underneath it. Now that's just cruel, right? (For the record, I didn't go there, Judgy McJudgersons.)

Anyway, at the good location, I take a lot of classes that are almost exclusively filled by women, but lately there has been a cute guy joining my Wednesday "ultimate conditioning" session. I've spent weeks trying to determine if he's gay (typically the case if he's put himself in that situation). Then it dawned on me: Perhaps he's just a genius straight guy perfectly positioning himself in a class full of attractive females.

Last week I got my answer. Unfortunately his confirmed hetero status came in the form of him wearing hibiscus board shorts. No self-respecting gay would ever be caught dead in those at the gym. Especially in September!

If I've said it once I've said it a thousand times: Board shorts are not real shorts!

But in his defense, he is still making me try way harder in that class than I normally would. My triceps thank him.

Weird Stuff Always Happens in 3s

Within a very short period of time at the beginning of the summer, J and I broke up, LA Jim and I swerved off the path of friendship toward something more confusing, and I met one of the cutest/smartest/least terrible guys I've ever gotten to know in a long time.

The guy, we will call him The Russian, I actually mentioned in the post about that silly little heart defect. Which I've come to realize was just an expensive hassle to finally figure out why it is I have zero rhythmic capabilities - hello I have an irregular heart beat! My internal metronome is whack! This totally explains amazing my terribly awkward dance skillz!

Anyway, The Russian worked literally two feet from me (separated by a glorious cubicle partition) for the first half of the summer for a small investment bank we share office space with. From literally the first second I saw him I thought, "Oh crap how could they have hired someone so good looking!"

I made it my mission to not let myself like him, especially once I found out he was a Foreign Ivy League FJO-in-training. They are the worst. Except that it turns out he wasn't. He was actually ridiculously nice.

We became lunch buddies, eating in Bryant Park together, running errands, and getting ice cream.

Once we coordinated a picnic with friends for a summer movie in the park, sipping wine and watching Sean Connery's James Bond cross the line with a woman in a situation that can only be described as not really consensual.

And one time we even met up to play tennis on a Saturday morning, which somehow included a trip to Donut Plant, the best donut store ever. (Clearly anyone who thinks it's totally fine to combine eating and working out might be my soulmate.)

Sigh.

But through all of that I figured it was platonic, total friend zone. Then the weekend before he was scheduled to go abroad for the rest of the summer, we kissed. Mission Accomplished.

And now, the next time someone asks me "What's a goal you ultimately reached after facing initial obstacles?" I'm totally going to bring up this example.

Anyway, since he's been gone, a lot has changed. But really, nothing at all.

And, because the universe is a crazy place, within the same week, all three guys came crashing back into my reality.

Having not heard from J in months, I got a text about meeting up. We went to dinner, discussed the good and the bad of our lives, and then out of nowhere (in my opinion), he announced he thought we should get back together. Whaaat? No. This time last year we went through this same song and dance. It's just not right.

The real icing on the cake of that night, though, was literally five minutes before I met J, I got an email from LA Jim telling me he had finally mailed some running shorts I'd left there. And PS, he "met someone," in case I was curious why he was acting weird and being uncommunicative. Oh I figured it was that he lived across the country and nothing was going to happen? Oh, and the real kicker, he felt compelled to tell me he met her right before I came to visit. Because obviously I really needed to know that.

The only good of having ghosts of "boyfriends" past coming back in my life was seeing The Russian last weekend. Still as cute (I'll be honest, gorgeous is a more accurate adjective) and adorable as ever. Who knows if anything will come from it, but even The BFF recognizes what a catch he is (and she was not a fan of the aforementioned others).

Like I said, so much has changed but really nothing at all.

Guest Post: The Fade Out

More genius insight from The BFF:

There comes a time in every budding relationship when you ask yourself, “Is this person really what I’m looking for? Yes, he’s x,y,z, but I need some a,b,c as well, and his t, u, v is starting to creep me out. No, this will not do.” This is when you should begin the process Rachel and I lovingly refer to as ‘The Fade Out.’ Sounds harsh, but doesn’t it seem harsher to have a formal ‘break up’ with someone you’ve met 3 times?!

Here’s how it’ll all go down:

1. Boy will call girl.

2. Girl will not answer.

3. Boy will leave Girl voicemail.

4. Girl will not listen to voicemail (most likely deletes it.)

5. Girl hopes that that’s the end of that.

6. However Boy waits 4 days.

7. Boy sends a ‘let’s get together soon’ text.

8. If Girl is nice she’ll say sorry she didn’t call you back.

9. Girl will be lying.

10. Girl will then say she has a bunch of plans already this week. (oMg life my is so HECTIC right now!)

11. Boy will say ‘okay then let’s do something the week after then.’

12. Girl cries herself to sleep because Boy just doesn’t get it.

13. Eventually Girl mans up and ignores all of Boy's outreach.

And you KNOW Boys do “The Fade Out” to Girls. This will be hard to believe but I’ve had 2 idiots use it on me. One apparently now twirls fire for a living and the other uses tanning beds and owns man jewelry…SO REALLY NO LOSS TO ME.

Now I’m going to put this out there and don’t be surprised if I end up receiving the Nobel Peace Prize or some other prestigious award in the near future:

Let’s cease contact after that gd voicemail. If you don’t hear from the person you called, just move on. Girl will get back to you if she wants to.

And if you have a real life example of a relationship blossoming because of incessant pestering THEN GO AHEAD AND TELL YOUR STORY, BUT I GUARANTEE THERE WON’T BE ANY.

That is all.

[Ed. note: The BFF is forgetting about the ease of the Fade Out when you have a blog! Woo!]

What I'm Looking For Is A Phil Dunphy

Please tell me you watch Modern Family right? It's so funny. I will be honest, I might not always have the best taste in men, clothes, or music, but I do know good TV. 

I love this show so much that I even wrote a "spec script" of an episode, otherwise known as "fan fiction." If you're extremely bored, I posted it here. Don't judge too harshly, this was my first stab at TV writing...



"In your face, girl with a negative tattoo." - My favorite line
from the season premiere.

Anyway, the point of this post! Modern Family's season premiere was last night, finally back after kicking some A at the Emmy's (hooray!). I love pretty much everything about this show, but I've realized I especially love the dad Phil.

He's sweet, romantic, nerdy in a cool way, makes people happy, tells hilarious "dad jokes." Sigh. I think that's what I'm looking for.

I mean, not that person right this instance, but someone who will grow into that person. How can you tell, though, if who you date now will end up being that quality of a husband, father, etc?

Okay this post is getting a little more thoughtful than I wanted. The real point is go catch up on Modern Family if you missed it.

Wining, Dining, and Learning Go Together Nicely (I Mean, If You're an Adult)

Not to say I didn't get a good public school education or anything, but I have very distinct memories of watching a lot of Bill Nye in class. You know, The Science Guy.

I mean, in seventh grade it made sense because our teacher had a self-professed crush slash obsession slash her mouse pad was a picture of him, not even joking, but the rest of the time I guess teachers just figured they couldn't do any better? And, really, who doesn't have a higher information absorption rate from someone wearing a bow tie and a lab coat vs. someone wearing mom jeans?



At one point I decided it would make things way more legit
if we had some signs. Thank goodness I happen to own
a ton of markers, like way more than the average 25 yr old.

So it was with this inspiration that it totally seemed feasible that The BFF, our awesome friends (who I mentioned live directly across the street), and I decided that we should create a tin can-string telephone across 14th street.

I mean, obviously. Who doesn't sit around thinking, "Hmm I wish there were a way I could communicate with people who happen to be saved in my cell phone that has unlimited minutes."

This seed of genius only took eight short months to blossom into a full-blown bloom of possibility. Maybe the logistics would have been easier to figure out had wine not been a part of each conversation, but whatever.

The point is that we finally had a fail proof plan! It could totally work! We were going to bust that myth! 

Step one: Find some long-ass string. (800 feet of kite string: Thanks, Dana!)

Step two: Get some cans. Easy peasy.


Step three: Out of the kitchen window, toss down one end of the string while holding onto a can.

Step four: Run the string across the fairly busy, two-way street while avoiding getting hit by a car.

Step four part a: Run back across the street to where you started because you realize there's a massive knot in the string and you're totally about to get hit by a car.


Step five: Make friends with people on the street who think you're effing awesome for doing science experiments on a Friday night.

Step six: Finally get the string across the street with lots of slack so cars can drive over it. Genius move.

Step seven: Get another string sent down from the other window to hoist up the can/string.

Step eight: Have everything in place only to realize that giant tree in front of the window might be a problem when attempting to make the "telephone line" taut and parallel.

Step nine: Realize the tree is in fact a problem. Contemplate calling the city to cut it down. Repeatedly call the other apartment to see if they "can hear you." Via cell phone, obv.

Step ten:  Admit experiment defeat. Congregate back together and make up for the failure with all that booze people kindly brought with them.



Failure never looked so good.

And what do you have to show for your weekend?

Kids These Days

I probably woudn't take advice from this kid,
but that's just me.

Maybe it's because I babysat the most adorable little girl yesterday, or maybe it's because I'm PMSing and not feeling like a cold-hearted monster, but kids are pretty awesome, right?

I mean, except when they're throwing tantrums in public areas. Or touching you and screaming Spanish in your ear for the duration of a five-hour bus trip to D.C.

But sometimes they provide entertainment. Like the ones quoted on this email my mom sent me. Forwarded joke emails, much like children, have a time and a place. For instance, Monday morning at work when I haven't quite committed to getting things done yet.

Here are a few of my favorite answers:

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming."
- Alan, age 10

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." [True!]
- Martin, age 10
 
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
"When they're rich." [True!]
- Pam, age 7
 
"The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do." [False!]
- Howard, age 8
 
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them."
- Anita, age 9
 
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
"Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck." [Soooo true]
- Ricky, age 10